psychotic depression and mental hospitals

this isn't really about LSD but i thought you guys might like to hear about my psychotic break... i've been away from the forums for some time now so here it is.

oh and don't worry, i'm not another peter popper i just understand that psychedelics aren't healthy for me, and i still fully support legalization of entheogens.

anyway, it built up over a period of time- started with isolation, depression, all that good fun healthy stuff. stopped hanging out with my friends because it was too intense... i'd always be looking for secret meanings in what they were saying. i interpreted everything, every gesture, as something against me. smoking weed constantly made this worse and i'd always get really creepy and panic ridden when i was stoned.

so i'd sit inside all day, thinking about god and cosmic philosophy. it got to the point where every day i'd have these intense revelations about mysticism, and i'd wander around my college campus in this weird daydream, feeling SO different from everyone. i was obsessed with shamanism and this idea of alternate states of consciousness.

it wasn't good. it sucked, i felt like a non-human. everything was dark and grey all the time and i'd always get sucked into the same bullshit every day and awake to repeat it all over again.

so i ate a weed brownie, some valium and klonopin and totally snapped. i went to my therapists office and just opened up everything i was hiding and went to the hospital that night. while there, i could feel a strange disc in my head (which i've also felt on LSD, interestingly enough) and could hear this LOUD internal chatter and whispers in my head. i was there for 12 days and started on an antipsychotic and slowly it got better, and now i've been out of the hospital for about a week and things are still going well, with only a few strange moments of thinking i had stolen someones thoughts out of their head and other discomforts.

i'm in the middle of getting organized but everything's pretty clear as of right now. i was diagnosed with depression with psychotic features, and i have to say, antipsychotics aren't as bad as i thought. my head's pretty clear for the first time in years and i can actually think again. everything's peaceful, serene. i like feeling sane, it beats the hell out of being disconnected and foggy all the time.

so anyway, there it is. if you wanna know anything specific just lemme know, i'll try to answer as best i can.

 

thats pretty crazy dude..

last year i remember when i would go on L binges i would be sober afterwords for weeks doing the exact same things you were doing like trying to find secret meanings to shit

i was a freshman in college and i was failing my classes because i would just sit in class trying to interpret something that i cant interpret unless im tripping, i seriously thought i was going schizo

after a while things went back to normal, i dont trip as often or as much anymore

i still think about it day to day but its not a bad thing, ive never had a problem smoking weed though, weed is the only thing that makes me feel normal i feel like.

 

reality is what you make of it, bro.

 

Yeah, he probably doesn't even have a PhD in Vedic Science either.

Cherokee, was wondering what happened to you. Glad to hear you're doing better. I've been through the same, but lighter. It does indeed suck, the anti-social spiritual daze is quite the trap. I suspect a large number of people on this forum are in it, its one effect of frequently subjecting your brain to powerful entheogens.

welcome back :coffee:

 

Wow, that's terrible man :\ Sorry you had to go through that, but maybe it's good you finally cracked because that's sometimes the shift you need to start making things better! Good to hear you're feeling more yourself and more connected now, keep on smiling and stay with it

 

Do you/did you feel there's any truth to the things you felt? Or do you now, as a more "clear thinking" person feel it was all in your head?

I guess for you to experience it was horrid, but to many "clear thinking" people, what you wrote sounds amazing and thinking clearly just sounds boring and plain (and they take LSD or other drugs to try and experience the intensenes I suppose you were). It's all about only paying attention to what you don't have, I say.

Very interesting read, though. I think it's interesting/fun to wonder if there's more to life or not.

 

I pretty much fell into that position, then sort of realized how counter-productive it is to over analyze and apply some sort of spiritual concept to every little thing that happens in my life, and then fell out. I'm glad you finally broke out of that yourself, and are on anti-psychotics, however, how would a day go by without your medicine now that you are on it? (It does seem like sort of a crutch but some people can live with that). Also, do you think you'd ever give psychedelics another chance and learn from your past mistakes? You obviously know what happens now when you strain yourself to see meaning where there potentially is none, why not pick up the trail again where you left off?

 

!!! That would be a major warning sign to me...

I have found that since LSD i have more patience and love for others, seeing that we are all in this journey together, which would seem to be the opposite of what most of you are describing.

 

I've been wondering where you were Cherokee, welcome back.
I'm glad you were able to find help, it was the intelligent thing to do. Regardless of how we feel about psychedelics, there is such a thing as "too much" and whenever something is making you not feel right, it's time to reevaluate your relationship to that thing and make some changes.

And to counteract some of the more distasteful things people have said in your thread here - you do not have a weak mind for seeking help and seeing a therapist Cherokee. I've only ever known you to be questioning and humble, and that speaks of a curious mind that is willing to listen to and accept perspectives that are not your own, a sure sign of intelligence and is what I think the only way to eventually find peace. In my opinion, you have stumbled upon the dark side of psychedelics, and you were smart enough to recognize it for what it was.
Anyways, hope everything goes well, and welcome back.

 

for real whoever said it was "weak mindedness" can go suck a dick

 

Cherokee from reading your posts it seems you used to place a lot of significance on some of your more "out there" ideas. For you to look back and see the disconnection and foggyness for what it was takes a lot of inner strength. Its really hard sometimes to be honest with ourselves and rexamine our beliefs/convictions. It can snatch the rug right out from under us when we discover that some of the things we believed in so much are not accurate to reality. For you to reach out like that does not show weak-mindedness at all. In fact it shows someone who is strong enough to take a good look at themselves and re-evaluate whas important in their life. Even better was that you took steps to get yourself some professional help and thats far more than a lot of folks on here would of done. I applaud you for that.

I hope the healing process can begin for you now and someday you will be able to live a happy and fulfilled life- without meds or substances. Welcome back.

 

That's more like it I knew there was maturity here.

 

*proceeds to puff the peeter*

well actually, yes, i do attribute personal psychotic breaks, delusions of insanity, chaotic scatterbrainess, and any mental or psychological so called "problems", whatever the percieved "cause" (traumatic events, psychedelics), to weakness of mind. i find it to be quite ego-centric.

the weakness lies in the fact that these mental conditions arise from a state where the user has become completely self-absorbed, self-indulgent, ignorant of the external beauty; they've bottle-necked their whole awareness to consist of only items of thought that reinforce their perceived psychosis. it becomes the totality of all that they "see" in their mind's eye.

all it is, is merely a perception that they cling to out of a desire for self-importance, a rabid ego-centrism that leads only to misanthropy.

again, it's only a perception. step outside of the perception using strength of mind, and you see the nature of the psychosis objectively: it is silly, compartmentalized, useless, at best academic... learn from it and move on.

 

You typing out your post was ego-centric.

If you aren't joking, then wow, you have absolutely no clue what you are talking about.
You honestly believe that people choose to immerse themselves and remain in dysfunctional, chaotic, and severely uncomfortable mental states out of a desire for, lol, self-importance?
Wow.

The fact that you seem to be willing to discredit the legitimacy of the suffering of a person who has to deal with these issues just shows that you don't understand it in the first place.

 

in reference to the last paragraph('discredit the legitimacy'), you seem to have a habit of trying to twist what i say to fit your own impressions of what i say, then claim that is what i'm actually saying.

 

What part of describing the experiences of someone suffering from psychosis as "silly, compartmentalized, useless, at best academic" ISN'T attempting to discredit the legitimacy of that person's suffering?

 

that statement followed from previous statements, that after the individual has discarded the perception, able to see as for what it is, then it becomes those things(compartmental/academic) in hindsight.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGnl8dqEoPQ&feature=related"]YouTube- Schizophrenia: Gerald, Part 1

what an academic douche

 

Oh, wonderful.
Got any insights for Cherokee on how he can "discard the perception" and "see as for what it is"?

 

Can you believe how pretentious that guy is?
What nerve!