When i was a little girl, maybe 8 or 9, i met a boy who would become my whole world, the stuff a little girls dreams are made of. His name was Jay. He lived on a farm in Indiana, which is where i spent my summers with my cousin. We loved eachother for so many years. Many of those years we spent tending to a long distance realtionship. We made it work sucessfully. When i was 18 he drove across the country to take me home with him. And i loved him for it. We lived together for a while but something was wrong. I was young, pretty stupid, and had no idea how much he loved me. I did alot of bad things that i wish i hadnt. We ended up being pretty rotten to eachother and i left town, never to see him again. But i never forgot. I have spent my life since, searching for home. Not a place to live, but that feeling you get when you know you are where you belong. I have always been missing something. I moved across the distance to Utah where i felt that i could finally settle. I married a wonderful man. Our life together has been great. Three weeks ago i got on facebook and saw a friend request from Jay. I was thrilled to talk to him, thinking we'd just shoot the shit and catch up. To hear his voice, stopped me in my tracks. It took me back to 20 yrs ago, sitting under a shade tree, bonfires, falling in love with that boy. I never stopped lovin him. I looked for him on the internet for years with no luck. I thought he'd hate me after all that we went through. But i came to learn something very different. He had been searching for me too, to tell me that that love never went away. To tell me to come home, that home was where he was. The boy is about ready to drive across the country again to steal me away from Utah and take me back to where I belong. And I am a girl torn in pieces. I love my husband. He has been so good to me. He is one of the greatest men that i have ever known and he has sacrificed alot for me. He's sweet, patient, beautiful, and genuine. And he has accepted me as I am, which is not easy to do. You see, I have hiv. So for a man to be willing to be with me is no small matter. He was and is willing and happy with me. I have no major symptoms of my sickness as of yet. But I do get sick quite often because my immune system is weak. I just get colds and the flu alot. But when i do, I see something in him that upsets and scares me. He gets frustrated when i'm sick. Frustrated at the whole situation. It makes me wonder if, when it comes down to it, will i be sitting in a hospital by myself, lonley and afraid? I'm so scared he won't be able to handle this and that i will be alone when i need someone most. I am here in Utah with no family or friends, just him. I knew that before i could allow Jay to say he loved me still, or allow him to drive across the country again, I had to tell him about this. He didn't know, I contracted hiv long after he and i were together. I was scared to death to say those words. Scared of the reaction i would get from him. I have had my heart broken many times. And i know that there's alot of ignorant people out there in the world. I didn't know what to expect. Finally, I did it. I told him and got the most sincere reaction that i ever could have imagined. And it tore me open. We ahve talked alot about it, i want him to understand fully. And i think he does. And still, he wants me home. I know that he loves me all the way and that he'd take good care of me. I know that i would be a happy girl in his arms. I have grown up alot since our time together and i would never again treat him the way i did when i was young. I can't even believe that he would make the ultimate sacrifice for love. I am amazed by love. I can hardly comprehend what made me worthy of this. Am I a terrible person? I feel like it. I feel like I'm doing a terrible thing, messing with the hearts of two of the best men in the world. My heart is wide open, i am guilt ridden and confused. I just want to do the right thing. I am so scared to hurt anyone. So i will hurt. I have aked God to help me, to be in my life and remind me of his presence. To lend me his strength and patience and compassion. I've told him that i trust him to guide me where i need to be but i need his help to understand. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and i've never been very good at keeping my feelings to myself. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see. If i keep this in me it will eat me alive. So thanks to anyone who read this. Really, thank you. Peace, Kitty
You've described your situation thoroughly enough, but not what you plan to do about it. Or is that your question? If it is, all I can tell you is to decide which one of them means more to you. It will be one of the hardest choices you'll ever have to make, and you may well end up making the wrong one. But you have to choose. One piece of advice I can give you is not to stall too long. Jay is waiting around for you; the new guy isn't. It may be tempting to stick with the new guy for a while, because if you choose Jay there's no going back. If you stay with your husband, the choice is still open. Don't let yourself become comfortable that way. Take some time, but make a choice.
