As many of you will know by now - I suffer from chronic depression and lately its got me really down. Been drinking and been heavily into drugs for the last 3 weeks. HOWEVER - this weekend I had a Revelation and have been feeling fine ever since Today at college I was finally confronted by a "Attendance Management Team" We got off to the wrong start.. Came into the room and Immediately asked "Hi, Is LUKE WILLIAMS In here" - this get me worked up straight away. It instantly reminded me of police of some reason. So, walk into this small room and he starts asking me questions with a sheet of paper with a picture of me and various other information - Instantly defensive and aggressive. He continues to pry into private matters and ask why my attence is below 50%.. Even tho I get the work done.. its still an issues. Finally I let him know that there are various issues going on in my life which I don't want to disclose that is affecting not only my college life but my work and personal life. - This is where he continually offers help such as counseling and trys to find out what the real issues are. Due to having massive privacy issues from school days involving me being weakened from drink and having been taken advantage from by one of the school sluts. (Yes, thats right a innocent lad? How CRAZY.) The reason for this post - anyone ever experienced this.. someone genuinely trying to help you and you want to let slip.. but everything is telling you not to? I honestly don't see how telling someone my issues that I know will help me.. This is why hip forums is the shit. The only thing that can come from it is for it to be used against you. So.. why bother in the first place? - after all of this I was feeling like shit again. I WAS FEELING GREAT FOR 2 DAYS.. and this **** comes along. Hang in there fellow people suffering from depression!
I'm notorious for rejecting help from people who genuinely want to help me, but for an entirely different reason, I think. I just don't believe I deserve to be helped. I know that that is a completely self-defeatist, garbage response, but I still don't let anyone help me. The second rejection comes from pride. If I'm going to do it, I want to be the one to discover my trigger for healing before anyone else. So to speak. Be well. <3
I see, that was one of my reasons why I said I didn't want help - I want to sort it out myself rather than let someone else do it. Lately I have come to realize its not because I'm afraid or what have you - its from shame. Its not weak to ask for help, no - but to suffer from it in the first place is weak. Thats my attitude to wards myself not to any other suffers before we start getting aggressive
The thing about it is that eventually, there will be people who will help and won't even ask.... and you'll be thankful as fuck that they did. I've had those moments, too. With depression, I believe the hard part is remembering one's own worth and valuing oneself appropriately. I don't really care about being weak (I've already decided that ALL humans are squishy by nature anyway) but more about what people will say about me if I couldn't do it on my own or whatever.
