Hey guys! I wanted to share a few of my poems with you, and I want your honest opinions, on if their good or just sound like mindless teenage "no one understands me" stuff. I hope they don't but I mean alot of stuff can sound like that. I really appreciate the honesty here goes! kso, this one is about a not-so-fun time in my life. its called never again. never again so Naive; you sip and smile and laugh oblivious to where you'll be in a few short hours Alcohol; the bile fills your throat it burns as it rises Mistakes; your judgement slips momentarily these brainless choices, inescapeable Regret; salty tears drip down your face, your mascara stained cheeks, sore Guilt; unsettled and churning in your stomach burned into your brain, it feels like forever Blame; try to push the fault aside weave lies and insist on fabricated excuses But there is no escape We have to live with The things we bring on ourselves And carry us as we go Forever darkened, Forever changed, Never Again. This ones kind of trippy. It's untitled. In this eccentric reality every little moment, action, frame of time, every single noun I see, collides in perfect harmony, flows to the sound of our music, beautifully, artistically, and is unexplored until now, and everything becomes clear and real and strange and every second of it is ours to share. But I’d rather just take it in, and watch my life pass by, than to force things to go my way. So I’ll sit in this strange, eccentric reality, and laugh to myself. Like acid, it burns a hole in my memory. I wonder if I’ll ever find my way back here. also untitled. I tear through this, my fingers crossed, my eyes closed, ready to live and ready to die and I look into your eyes and I realize you are the same as me, it eats my heart away, consumes us both, we are broken, but I leave not as I entered, my eyes my mind open, my heart prepared as you will always be with me, my first, my only, and I'll always remember the songs, the stories, the lies and the heartbreak that made us who we are. this ones called paper dreams. the graphite crumbles on this canvas under my rage and all i want to is show the flowers in my hair and the way you smiled that day. but it's fading in my memory not yet captured where i can always rememeber. when will we collide, and not clash or shatter, but join again? on my paper dreams. i can still see you, paling i need to syncronize this lead with my mind before i'm out of time. let me know what you think. i don't wanna be bashed but I would love constructive critisism.
Free.Spirit. Like you, I also appreciate honesty, and quite honestly, all i have is good things to say. I write similar things myself, so i know and understand what real legit quality scripts consist of. You are able to express and illustrate things with precision and intelligence. You have a unique point of view and way of observing things and it shows in your work. Keep writing and keep expressing yourself. I'd love to read more. -ExperimentWilderness
It seems like you are breaking your poems up very unnaturally to sound stereotypically poetic. I can't get into them at all cause there's no flow.
I disagree Duck. I'm not saying your wrong at all, but it may just be the way you traditionally read poems and writings. Personally, I do find the flow in these. Read it with different speeds, patterns, and even different accents. Ive found even so much as reading it like a european can change the flow and pattern. You must find the flow.
I read it how it is written. That's what punctuation and spacing is for in poetry - to control the way it is read.
I have recommended reading if you would be interested. The Raven - Edgar Allen Poe, it could be argued that he was the master of flow, and he took a very mathematical approach to poetry, he felt that the Raven was his most perfect poem due to it's algebraic rhythm I'm Nobody! Who Are You? - Emily Dickinson I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us — don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog! To His Coy Mistress - Andrew Marvell Still I Rise - Maya Angelou I selected these because they all have a very distinct voice, and flow plays no small role in that voice. Now, this poem is broken up a bit more like your own, but it still flows together, albeit in a very slow pace: Who Places Things Exactly where they don't belong is he who knows how hard it is to find things, gone from where he knows to look. -General Ulysses S. Awesome By breaking it up this way, he's emphasizing the importance of his words, and giving it a sort've wise tone, but if you notice, the breaks are very deliberate, placed in the least disruptive manner possible. It seems to me that your breaks are completely without reason, and that's just inhibiting your ability to express yourself clearly. When you write, write it how you want it to be read, and think out loud how you want it to sound as you write it. I tried reading your poems again and I want to focus on this one a second: In this eccentric reality every little moment, action, frame of time, every single noun I see, collides in perfect harmony, flows to the sound of our music, beautifully, artistically, and is unexplored until now, and everything becomes clear and real and strange and every second of it is ours to share. But I’d rather just take it in, and watch my life pass by, than to force things to go my way. So I’ll sit in this strange, eccentric reality, and laugh to myself. Like acid, it burns a hole in my memory. I wonder if I’ll ever find my way back here. The part I made orange flows quite nicely to me. The part I made red gets a little choppy in the middle, but ends with a beautiful crescendo, I really love the way the last two lines of that part build up. The rest of it however, feels sorta cold and lifeless. More like a textbook than a poem. Do you write anything else? Do you worry about flow at all when you're writing?
If the reader has to struggle to find acceptance in a work such as flow, pace and tempo then the author has failed. A work should have a natural tone, rhythm and pace that is born with the work from the outset and ultimately, guides the reader along the path chosen at the time of writing.IMO You must not search for flow. Flow should guide the reader down the head waters to the discovery of the work's meaning and message. All without hidden interpretation lockings; as this is a symptom of bad writing of which is found in 96% of works posted here. Peace brother. Love n light.
thanks! that actually helps alot. I never really thought of flow while I was writing, I just kind of.. wrote. They have never been edited or altered, just written and taken as they were. But after reading all this I understand. They do get kind of choppy. and sometimes they strat to flow nicely, then stop almost disruptively. And that example of the kind of choppy poem you posted, the stops are deliberate. Mine just stop where ever. I get it. I wrote short stories too sometimes, but I'm more of an artist than a writer. Thanks again. I'll work on fixing these up to make them flow better
writing isn't good or bad, thats an opinion. I don't think 96% of all work posted here is 'bad writing'.
Yeah, I actually have some flow problems myself, and I find reading poetry and listening to melodic music really helps me get a better grasp of it. Rhyme can help flow, but sometimes it's best to avoid it, I find it can make me too Dr. Seuss-y at times =P I do see a lot of potential in some of these, others aren't really my taste at all. What kinda art are you most focused on, or do you mean it in a general sense? I'd agree with him that most of the works on here are bad, and I disagree very strongly with the opinion thing (and think that this widespread belief is why the mainstream machine can put out whatever it wants), but I would also say that lack of direction is the main problem on here, and that there is a lot of unlived potential.
visual arts. photography, drawing, and painting in particular. Although I'm thinking about becoming a graphic designer. Or a freelance photographer. I can't decided between a legit career or passion. hahha its a toughie. but thanks again
Wo its crazy because the first time i read these i didnt realize there is 4 poems..hahah i guess cuz you really drew your feelings down nicely like a picture Im impressed..keep it coming
