a masochist, i might be loving you with reluctant glee fooling myself again and again changing the grasp, of which you said twisted and contorted, is the world i reside fooling myself into thinking, theres feelings you hide but here i sit, alone yet befriended as you share your love, with unworthy contestants a thorn to a rose, as you are to me gripping your stem, as i slowly bleed fooling you with a wink and a smile inside screaming, like an unloved child these words on paper are how they must be expressed never to be said nor released from my tortured chest your angel and your demon reside on my shoulders weighing down heavier, than st. helens boulders forever there will be, feelings unrequited forever there will be, a riot you incited
What happened that resulted in this work? You left out the reason this combination of words came about and thus my interest was not anything to remember. Give me something to worry over and something I can care about please. Thank you friend Love n light.
I think you convey your message rather clearly. The poem has a constant sense of agitation and obvious frustration (as the title would suggest). Its fierce and well worded. Nice work.
To arliss, I think your poem is beautifully stated. You let us feel your frustration and gave us insight as to what is actually going on with your relationship. You let us see it isn't as you want it to be when you wrote, "fooling myself again and again changing the grasp, of which you said twisted and contorted, is the world i reside fooling myself into thinking, theres feelings you hide" I think you stated this very powerfully, and hope you share more of your poems with us, as I will look forward to reading them. With best wishes, Sugarplumplum
You might try using something other than "there's". Maybe "there are" or "these" Seems to me like it might sound better if there was as break between "your angel and your demon reside" and "on my shoulders." Maybe that's just me, though. I think it would add a little more emphasis and make it flow better. Don't know if you'll dig my suggestions but I just thought I'd try adding my feedback. Hope this helps.
Hi arliss, You're welcome. The only thing I would change is breaking what you wrote into stanzas, omitting a few words, and adding punctuation. Your content is well worded. I am of the opinion that if someone "critiques" and puts their words in to try to make a poem, "better," then it no longer is your poem, but more of a collaborative effort. This is all that I suggest-(stanzas, a few words deleted and punctuation) A masochist i might be Loving you with reluctant glee- Fooling myself again and again Changing the grasp, of which you said. Twisted, contorted is the world i reside Fooling myself, thinking-there's feelings you hide, But here i sit, alone yet befriended- As you share your love, with unworthy contestants. A thorn to a rose; as you are to me Gripping your stem-as i slowly bleed, Fooling you with a wink and a smile Inside screaming, like an unloved child. These words on paper must be expressed Never said, nor released from my tortured chest Your angel, your demon, reside on my shoulders Weighing down heavier, than St. Helen's boulders. Forever there will be Feelings unrequited, Forever there will be- A riot you incited. Sugarplumplum
I was going to suggest some capitalization. Sugarplum put it in the proper format imo. Enjoyed it a lot more reading it that way.
