Hubby gone off sex –advice needed from men please!

Gentlemen, I’d like your honest opinion. I’m 31, my hubby 30 and we are recently separated, mainly because he’s not into sex but mostly because of how he dealt with the issue over the years. We’ve been together for 6 years, married for 4 and a half. 2 months after we got married, the sex started to vanish…Over the years we’ve had sex less than 10 times of year and I’ve initiated most (not all) of it. One time I waited 4 months. Nothing. He didn’t even notice.

He never once raised the issue. When I do, he storms out of the room, cries, sulks, screams, or remains silent. It certainly is the big elephant in the room. I’m rather attractive and get a few phone numbers when I go out with girlfriends (I’m not bragging, just saying!). I’m his 3rd sexual relationship, I had more – not that I care!

He’s not the most confident person and needs a lot of reassurance which I have been providing in buckets. Until now. I’ve been seriously thinking about having an affair but it would have been to boost my ego and I believe affairs are the outcome of a deeper symptom, not a solution. That said, I just couldn’t take it anymore so suggested we separated for a while to thing about what to do next…

Is there such a thing as a low sex drive for 4 years, or is he just taking me for a ride!? He admitted that since we got married he thought to himself ‘I’m safe, she’s there, married, I can now be complacent’. I’m happy he admitted that but do feel worried that this kind of thinking won’t get us very far. I’ve suggested couple counselling – he always refused saying that he didn’t feel he needed it…You wouldn’t believe the stuff I suggested…He masturbates and watches porn sometimes (caught him a few times). I don’t mind but surely if you have a nice wife at home gagging for it you should take care of her, no? He doesn’t want us to watch porn together. And now, well, I’ve lost total interest in him sexually after being rejected so many times. Never had this problem before, not sure what to make of it.

Even now that we are separated he’s already covering his back (in case we get back together) by saying that we will have to compromise as we just don’t have the same ‘need’. I’m no nympho! I can understand that we maybe don’t have the same needs but we used to do it all the time before we got married…This kind of statement just brings more questions…

Would you stay with a woman who just doesn’t like sex? How would that make you feel? I feel disgusting, unattractive; my self esteem has gone down the toilet. It’s not a pretty picture and yes you need to work on marriages, no problem there, but to what cost?

Thanks for your advice, much needed! X

 

#1: Maybe he needs to get checked by a Doctor for a hormonal issue?
#2: I've heard Prostrate issues may also lead to E.D. Could this be part of his hangup?
#3: Examine his background, family structures and so forth, perhaps he's just "Stuck in the Closet" for fear of his Family's reaction to his hidden sexual preferences?

And if the rest of that fails, start slipping him some viagra or Horny Goat weed.

A couple other thoughts,
Is it possibly an issue that he doesn't find you attractive? I mean, do you take care of yourself, are you aging gracefully? Do you avoid the Twinkies and hit the Gym or lay around the house eating Chips and wearing sweats? What sort of Porn is he watching, how do you "measure up", have you tried emulating various scenarios from some of the porns he watches?

 

Thanks Fritz. Some good points you're raising.
I hope I can convince him of going to a Dr - he is reticent...
I thought about the closet issue a lot - hard to tell although he does get a hard on (sorry to be so graphic, oops!)
I do take care of myself very much and look more like a 25 y.o. although I suppose he could still find me unattractive..! Porn - women being taken from behind, typical porn really!

 

Well while he may get a hard on, it doesn't sound like he's getting one often enough. I mean I'm 39, have a pretty a-typical American diet filled with fatty foods and I chain smoke, occasionally drink and use some drugs on occasion and I'm still up for it 5+ times a day when it's available. Maybe it's just in my genes? (Sorry, the pun was unavoidable.)

I think one big question you need to ask yourself here is, "Is this really worth this much effort?" Because it sounds to me like you've coupled with someone who's really unwilling to try and work towards any sort of solutions towards what is an apparent problem in your relationship with his reluctance to dare conceive that he may have some sort of problem.

Life is too short to settle for shit like this i.m.o. and it doesn't sound to me as if there's allot of mutual investment of effort going on here. Time to walk on if ya' really want to know my 2 cents on the matter. Leave him to his Porn and go find yourself some Man Candy.

 

My guess is that he has one or more other women that he has been fucking.

 

Divorce him.

 

I understand that some men have a lower sex drive than others, but what's with him watching porn and not having sex with you. That just doesn't add up. Obviously he does have some sort of a sex drive or he wouldn't watch porn. I can't believe he wouldn't watch it with you. That sounds like a sure way to get you both fired up enough to attack each other. Maybe porn is easier because he doesn't have to please anyone else. Sounds like he's being selfish.

 

Have you considered counseling? It would help both of you understand, and perhaps compromise, on your different libidos. I think checking into his background some might help to understand where he is coming from. Mind you, I am not saying his lack of sex drive is something you have to accept, only that there may be a reason for it. Therapy, especially for him, may help to see things from another perspective. When you are in the middle of the situation it is hard to see it from all sides...if that makes sense.

Good luck. I wouldn't rush off to see a divorce lawyer just yet

 

put on some porn, get naked and finger yourself. if he dont wanna join you then.. hit the road..

 

There's your clue right there

 

I'm going to assume he watches hetero porn and is therefore not closeted. You say there was an acceptable amount of sex in your relationship for the first year and a half so that indicates he's hetero as well.

Hetero men who stop being interested at home can be a sign of getting it elsewhere but it seems unlikely in this case as 1) he masturbates and 2) you don't seem to think so - probably becase he's a stay-at-homer making the logistics of that unlikely.

As to ED, that too is unlikely as he's of prime age, does get it up the once a month that is still happening and when he masturbates. His lack of passion is almost certainly psychological.

If we assume that all these things are true, we are left with the following likelihoods:

1. He's sexually LAZY. Having to exert the physical exercise with you; maybe the 'chore' of cunnilingus (some men don't like to do it) is tiresome to him; his own orgasmic payoff is less than he gets with his own hand which is also obtained with much less effort and more relaxingly. If this is the case (and it is selfish to be unwilling to exert yourself for your loved one) the prognosis is bad. Laziness runs deep and is almost never curable.

2. He is BORED. Like it or not men have a roving eye (even if they don't actually cheat) and they often compare what they see to what they get. Only you know if your practices are varied and would compare favorably to the porn he is interested in watching. And familiarity breeds contempt sometimes and no matter how attractive you still are to others he may be bored with your look and feel. The thrill is gone. Fickleness is often the primary cause of lost passion. Sex therapy has some success in this case, but if he refuses I think we have to assume that his selfishness is too deep and his love for you is simply insufficient.

Probably it's both boredom AND laziness and that's not a hopeful situation. Now, when a wife seperates from her husband that is almost always the shock to his system that brings him around to being a far more appreciative spouse. As an impassioned John Lennon sang 'you don't know what you got until you lose it. Oh baby, baby baby give me one more chance!' If this hasn't worked (brought into his attitude a re-engergized resolve to 'get you back and this time show it), there is a high possibility that he no longer is in love. This happens, is almost common - there's a reason most marriages ultimately come to an end.

There is one other possibility that I've been hesitant to mention but I have heard of a couple of times. But it might be offensive to you (particularly if it's true). Only you will know if it might be THE factor. As attractive as you may appear to be when dressed up, when the panties come off there may be odors that can be a real turnoff. People often give short shrift to body orders but any anthropologist worth his salt can tell you that odor is a huge factor in sexual attraction/repulsion. Hygeine can be a deal breaker. Before attempting to make love, bathe, douche if necessary, fds and thoroughly clean the anus. As I said, some women may find this advice unwelcome and offensive but as you've requested advice from a man I feel comfortable straight shooting all the possibibities for you.

Best of luck. Hope you can fix your relationship, but if not don't despair. Your real fate mate may yet be in your future.

 

Plenty of Penis for him to look at in "Hetero porn" last time I checked. Could be envisioning himself as the Chick on all fours and taking it from behind. As far as having a tapering sex drive, perhaps he was more or less Bisexual and now coming to terms with his lack of interest in Tang'?

 

I honestly can't even relate to this guy enough to make many suggestions, but I do have one thought: Is he on SSRI antidepressants? They can kill a sex drive.

 

That's a good call there csotp. Lot's of med's can screw with that. Wonder if he would even be open enough to let her know this considering his reluctance to do any sort of therapy or admit he's got any issues to deal with??

 

Thanks guys you all raised some valid and interest points. He's not on any meds and he is definitely a lazy guys in ALL spheres of life - in bed too. He did after all cover his back already...

Something I forgot to mention is that he recently admitted that he sees intimacy (kisses and cuddles for him) as separate to sex (the act, perhaps more porn like in his head - don't know). He explains his lack of sex drive that way but still says he just as a general lack of sex drive. I think that's bull**** but please let me have your thoughts, us women do see things differently and I'm open to see and envision all possibilities!

He has no problem with kisses and cuddles, compliments etc and says the he is still attracted to me. Of course, his words and actions are so different that I've stopped believing that...Worldsofdarkblue you make some good points even about the hygiene but I don't think that's a problem (tried and tested!) it doesn't seem to make any difference. For years he didn't like BJs but now he does. I'm a lost really, I feel like I'm wasting my time...

I don't think he's having an affair (time wise it's very unlikely) and I did wonder if he was a closet - he obviously says he isn't. as I said he won't watch porn together but we did go to some sex shows/booths in Paris and Amsterdam...which makes me believe that he's just not that into me! I'll spare you how that makes me feel but at this point I'm just interested in whether or not it's something that can be improved...

As much as my rational mind and other people might think that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage/relationship I do think that its the glue that holds it together...It clearly ain't sticking, eh!

Frtiz, again some good points, - about porn...he does expect me to do everything, somewhat of a role rehearsal...Errr..have I got myself a closet there or just a lazy one!!? Kind of makes me sick but eh, better know now than never...

Thanks again for your support, I'm really at lost with this situation. It's embarassing enough to talk about - we share mutual friends which makes it impossible to discuss with anyone.

Dx

 

Well the whole thing with his being up for kisses and cuddling just screams "Homo and his Fag hag" hanging out together in my mind. And not saying there's anything wrong with either of those two or trying to use the phrase in a derogatory way, just not what one would want to build an actual marriage around.

 

What star sign is he?
He seems like a selfish baby, maybe an aries?

I seriously suggest slapping him one really hard. and ask what the f### is wrong with him.

I dont have a problem with male sensitivity, but if he cant express what he feels to you, and just runs away to his little corner, there is definately more than just a low sex-drive.

What do you guys do on your regular time, watch movies, converse, joke, play. These other things are very important aspects which help lead to sex, and maintaining a "connection" between you.

 

He wants other women. I don't know what the big deal is...why so clingy? Let go.

 

barbatruka, i really feel for you in this situation. I think most of the conceivable theories have been covered, so I won't bother repeating things. You seem like a wonderful person, I mean sticking to your morals regarding an affair and trying so hard to figure things out and work things out with your hubby. Given the person you are it must be really hard to think you might have to let this go.

There are people out there that don't try, that have affairs, that are selfish, dont look after themselves and all of that, and a lot of them get looked after better than you have been (or perhaps they don't even care). Would you want this to go on another 5 years, getting into a routine and leading to 10 years? I don't think anyone here would want to see that. You're not going to be happy. So short term pain may be the only way to go for happiness in the long run. Meet new people, make new friends, enjoy being wanted again.

Doesnt matter what type of person someone is, what they look like, or believe in, there are people out there that want them. You on the other hand just sound like a wonderful caring person who puts effort into a relationship. Who wouldn't want that?

Just remember people do things for whatever reason, and someone not wanting you in any given way isn't a reflection on you at all, it's a reflection of your differences. Remember you are wonderful and go out and find happiness again.

xx

 

Auriga, he's a leo but defintely a lazy one! I have given him a serious slapping about but he insists we need to 'compromise' on his sex drive...I would consider it if he only told me what it was about...he keeps on giving me bul**** answers. Agree with you about the fact that there is something else going on..that's what I also think...We are best friends, we laugh all the time, watch movies, go to plays, really we have loads in common in terms of connection. We're also travel buddies, that's how we met.

Aussiestud, thank you so much for your post. I hear you. XxxXXXXxx