Please forgive the long post - I have Aspergers and have a complete inability to summerise. Sorry. I've never been in a real life, face to face relationship, because of my circumstances. Im a full time carer for my parents since the age of 13, and have been also ill myself - this meant I am a prisoner in my own home, also because mum can't bear anyone in the house, to 'cover' for me, due to her mental health, so I often can't go out even when I am well enough. Then last year, when I got sick and things changed. I was too sick to leave my bed, so they had to fend for themselves, and they proved they could - now I can go out a little more....but my own health restricts me - like I am allergic to alcohol, so pubs and clubs are out - I can't afford night classes, and because of the nature of work I previously had been in, all my friends have moved away with the trade, and everyone is telephone and internet based. I have trouble in socialising because I mis-understand people, and don't know what to say. I lack in social skills with my own generation, because I never had the chance to mix outside of school, due to needing to go home and run the house from 13yrs old, and in school I was only bullied anyway. With that in mind - I have never had a relationship of any sort, with anyone until 6yrs ago, when a much older guy I met on some phone-line, opened my eyes, made me think I was in love with him, but hurt me, because I naively thought he felt the same about me, and it wasn't just about phone sex for him. He made me feel safe and protected every time I talked with him. We had regular phone sex, as the relationship developed, and he showed me how to grow up, and we were so close - it was the best time in the good times. I miss that feeling so much. But I told him too much about me, where he never told me a thing, and we never spoke outside the chatline, and after 5yrs of almost daily talk, he changed and he started making me feel used and worthless, by talking about my friends in sexual terms to get himself off, and also turning me on over the phone so much, and just as I was breaking into orgasm, he would disconnect the phonecall and leave me slamming out of the fantasy, to hear some random perverts masturbating with heavy breaths, on the chatline. The orgasms feel like the suddenly slam into a halt and it leaves me feeling dirty, confused, and used, where as he had previously made me feel special, and grown up and feel a woman. I stopped calling him so much, and I crushingly thought there would never be another man in my life that I would love so deeply. Then, just over a year ago, I met this other guy - a younger German man, who was amazing, and we got on so well, talking, texting, msning, etc, after a year of daily and nightly, what felt like, constant contact and him telling me how he felt about me, I actually went out to Germany to meet him...it was fairy tale perfect and he was the perfect gentleman. A week before he went a little weird on me, but I put it down to stress at his work. The actual visit was almost sickeningly sweet perfect. It was so hard to leave -he behaved wonderfully and didn't try anything on me, even though if he would have done, I would have lost my virginity with him. I wanted him so badly and I was so into him, and it all felt so right. After the trip for about 2 weeks it was ok, but then things changed - he turned into a jerk. Rude, unattentative, homophobic (I have a lot of gay friends which he criticised), and was very critical of me, and he talked repeatedly about needing some "drugs, booze and B***hes to stick his dick into". We got through that patch - which did appear to be through stress, even though it rocked me, and proved his age. But I still loved him and tried to support him. I have had 2 big 'girlie' moments, of wondering if there were other girls...got paranoid, and emailed him asking about it, because I couldn't bear asking about it. It has driven him nuts, but he has answered patiently and honestly, and the answer has always been no and not looking. The problem is that he is in Germany, has had relationships before, and knows what it is like. I am in London, 9yrs older than him, nothing to offer him in terms of future financial stability, or a family (I am infertile), other than love, and am used to being single, and having 'relationships' by phone and internet, even though I would love to have a 'normal' relationship, where I can just curl up with someone. I have always regarded him as 'my boyfriend', but lately I noticed a shift from his side, and he no longer tells me "I love you", and I just had to know if there was anyone else. I emailed him again. Last night he responded by calling me. He said there is no-one else, and his work has taken all his time up, but he has been single for 2years, and he is desperately lonely. He has had no time to look, and its hard for him, because he is also so torn over me. He doesn't want to hurt me, and he has such strong feelings for me, but he needs to settle down soon and start a family, and through distance and my health, we can't do that together. He finds it hard being single in real life, and he will need to start looking for someone soon, and he hates it because he knows its going hurt us. He said he cares for me so deeply, but we both know there was never going to be a future because of the distance. I was pinching myself so hard, last night as he talked, and concentrated on the pain, just so I wouldn't cry, and I now have brusies on my arms. I guess I just coped better because I have never had an offline relationship...and I always just hoped it would work out somehow. I know I need to change my love for him, from being in Love with him to loving him as a friend...and then break away slowly so he can be free to get what he wants, but right now - since he told me last night - I just feel so numb, hurt, lonely, and devastated. I want to roll into a ball and cry the pain and frustration over the reality of the situation out, but its not happening and it feels like it's crushing me. While he's in my life like this, I don't want anyone else. But I'm hanging onto a dream, that will never go anywhere. I don't know how to facilitate a step back. I know I need to 'break-up' with him for both of our sakes. But I don't know how to. It hurts so bad that I am in this situation. Last night - as I have been doing again recently, I have been speaking to the phoneline guy again. He is my equivelent of comfort eating. I just needed someone to be there for me. I still and always will have feelings for him, but its futile with him too - because he will only hurt me again and he never wants to have a relationship with me, offline. He saw me once offline at a concert, but didn't like what he saw, and didn't introduce himself even. I am just good on the phone - a voice in the dark. I just don't know how to sort my head and heart out this time. Why can't I cry it out.
Hello sweet lady- reading your post has amazed me.. your phone bill must be out of this world too. Save your money and heartache and get out to a few things that are a bit sexy like a dance class salsa or drama, anything to build your confidence!!! You have expressed yourself well in the post, im long winded too its a talent You have social abilites, you have shown you need people around and seem very vunrable. This must come thru and attracts sleazy men. These men have used you and you let them, now you can see it and want to make changes in life hense this post. DO IT What are you afraid of ? make friends first so uno ur likeable then see what develops.. Gain some social skills, uno its possible. People are well aware these days of mental problems and there is help out there look up mind, in fact your lucky as they offer some cool stuf for people just like you. Pick up the phone to sort yourself out not these inadequate men, they quite capable of that as you know. I wish you luck, if all else fails forget looking to men for love get a puppy much less hassle! I wish you well xxx
Your live has value, Don't let assholes manipulate you like that. They know exactly what they are doing and it sounds like your falling for it. Stand up for yourself. You need to find your passion in life, something you really love and it will make you happy. You don't need to go out drinking to socialize either. why not try chatroulette? that is a good way to meet interesting people all around the world and it's free!
