Honest Opinions/Advice Please

I want to discover if I'm gay.

My entire life (I'm 23) I've believed I was straight, with perhaps a desire to be submissive to girls/dress up like a girl occasionally. Outwardly I'm a typical heterosexual male. I've always flirted with/hit on girls, but I've never really had a burning desire to have sex with them.

I've been in two serious relationships, both with girls. The first one we never had sex and were together for 3 months. She was a virgin, so we were taking it slow.

The second girl I was with for 8 months. Often I couldn't get turned on when we would go to have sex. We spent a lot of time in bed, but there were times when I wanted nothing less than to have sex with her. I would fantasize about being turned into a girl/humiliated etc. while I was having sex with her. I even tried Cialis because I thought it might be some physical problem, but that didn't work.

I tried hooking up with a guy once after we broke up, but I was repulsed and not turned on at all, so that was further confusing to me.

Basically I get turned on being in a girl role, but I don't particularly like vaginas, and I don't like guys either. I just like that submissive sexual role and being treated like a girl. I love girls emotionally, and I have no attraction emotionally to guys. My dream is to find a beautiful girl and be with her, but I don't have that desire to have sex with girls in a traditional way.

So tell me. Does this sound like a typical case of a gay person who has repressed his desires his entire life and has had such anti-gay ideas given to him by others that he's repulsed by men despite actually being gay?

What should I tell this girl? She still wants to be together, and I love her more than anything in the world. Tell me, based on what I've said, and the fact that in 8 months we never had sex that was GREAT, even when it worked okay. I think telling her I was gay would kill her (If I even am) and I really just want to do what's best for her, since I don't care about myself right now. I've been pretty depressed lately, and every time I see her it's just a reminder of how I'll never be able to have the only thing I've ever really wanted in my life.

Thoughts?

 

Thanks for sharing
This doesn't mean you're gay at all. I've known of people similar to you. There are many different aspects about sexuality, and it can all be different from person to person, from the aspect of being, to the aspect of liking a certain other(s).
For me (I'm a gay guy), my preference came from an emotional pull rather than sexual, so if you prefer girls emotionally and sexually, then it wouldn't even cross my mind that you're gay if I were you. You shouldn't worry about being classified as something and just be open-minded with everything cuz you'll probably find your sexual sensibility and strength there.

 

Well if I'm with a naked girl in the shower or in bed, and I can't even feel the beginnings of arousal, then that's probably a sign I'm gay?

And my fantasies revolve around being dressed like a girl/treated like a girl/fucked like a girl...so that seems pretty gay.

It's just that emotionally I LOVE girls. I just don't want to have sex with them like that.

 

no it's gay if you feel arousal towards guys and not girls. Do you fantasize about being a girl, or just dressing up/get fucked like a girl while still being a guy? Well thats irrelevant but i'm just curious . Sex isn't black and white, when you're anything but normal-straight-guy-that-strictly-fucks-girls-in-the-pussy, it doesn't make you gay. I know straight guys that are strictly into shemales if that makes you feel better. :coffee:

 

I suggest finding an aggressive girl.

 

I fantasize about being a girl I suppose...but I don't think about myself as having a vagina. It would be a turn on if I had boobs. And I do love transsexuals. : ) Maybe I imagine myself as a transsexual. Most of the porn I look at is TS porn.

And basically I can't get turned on by the idea of having penis into vagina sex with a girl.

 

You're basing your assumptions of a few false premises:

1. That gay is the one thing. The desire to dress up in female clothing, what has that got to do with butch gay guys that never do that. The desire to be submissive, what does that have to do with gay guys that are "Tops" who never feel that need

2. That gay has anything to do with the opposite sex. Whats flirting with girls got to do with it? I flirt with girls all the time, especially if i want something from them, tickets to a sold out movie, a free order of fries with my happy meal . Whether you get on with girls or dont, want to see them naked or not, how is any of that relevant if the thought that gets you most excited is blowing your load all over some hairy guys chest?

3. That all guys are as horny as each other, we are all supposed to be all about sex, and more so than the females. Maybe you're just in that bottom 5 % thats least interested in sex full stop no matter what gender it is with.

Sounds to me like you've been brainwashed by the rest of the populations bullshit, a rest of the popualtion that can have no clue unless they have the same feelings as you do.

If you want my opinion, from what you've said, sounds closer to asexual, but you are the only one that really knows what going on inside your head, so its only the opinion of those like you that you can find in real life thats really going to matter, and they are the only ones you are really going to listen to

 

Thanks for calling me brainwashed. I'm not asexual. I masturbate on average 2-3 times a day. But if, over an 8 month relationship with this girl, I've never felt as good as I have masturbating thinking about being treated like a girl, is it safe to say I shouldn't be with her? I officially broke up with her tonight...kinda heartbroken right now.

 

Well, we all are really, wasnt an attack

 

pttf.. I like watching hot trannies have sex with vagina women.. it beats the nasty looking hairy bodied men with little dicks..

 

no, this doesn't sound like a gay guy at all. but i was never a repressed one so others might have a differing opinion.

to me, the fact that you felt repulsed when trying it with a guy is the key element in this -- if you don't get turned on by guys you are not gay. you say you want to have sex with girls -- no gay guy will ever utter those words. so it seems you're straight, you just have a fetish -- you want to be dominated in bed. find a girl who will want to do that and it should work out just fine.

also how do you get off when you masturbate -- do you think of women or men? if you ever thought of a guy while jerking off and got off on it, then there might be something to it, otherwise no.

stop worrying and go get laid.

 

from this i would say you either
1. have a gender identity disorder -- do you feel like a woman otherwise, outside your sexual fantasies?
if no--
2. have a sexual fetish, of wanting to get treated like a girl in bed. there are other guys who have this. it's kind of fringe but it has nothing to do with being gay. gay guys do not think of themselves as women, and don't want to be women not in bed, not anywhere.

 

I don't really feel like a woman outside of sex. Also, plenty of gay guys have sex with women. There are a million stories about gay guys getting married to women, realizing they're gay, and divorcing them. I will say that I would get turned on by this girl, but not turned on by the idea of sex. I would lose my erection nearly every time we went to have actual sex.

 

actually no, no plenty of gay guys have sex with women. most of us are quite repulsed by the idea. the examples you quoted -- guys marrying and *then* realizing they're gay, well some people figure it out a bit later. it happens. have you also heard stories of gays figuring themselves out later like that and still continuing having sex with women? i don't think so. because it doesn't happen (unless they're trying to be something they are not). it seems more like you want this to be an answer.

i don't know what to say to you -- you say sex with women is not a turn-on and trying it with guys ended up being repulsive. it's not an indication of any sexuality. and yet you masturbate so you can't be asexual. i actually think this is the first time i hear something like this. you seem to have this singular configuration that turns you on -- the idea of yourself as an abused female. has it always been like this? i mean you're 23 -- have you jerked off to this one fantasy for 10 years?

sexuality is always defined by the preference of partner. if you exclusively prefer guys you're gay, if it's exclusively women you're straight, and if it's both you're bi. but it's impossible to define your sexuality if you don't have a preference for partner at all. you think you're gay? -- go watch some gay porn -- if it turns you on what you see, go try it with a guy you're attracted to (not just with someone for the sole purpose of sex or experimentation), if it doesn't turn you on you're not gay.

 

I think you're labeling gay guys far too narrowly. Not every gay guy is like you or your friends. And plenty of guys keep having sex with their wives while having a gay relationship on the side because they aren't fulfilled by heterosexual sex. Love, to me, seems completely separate from sex. I love this girl with all my heart. But I can't get turned on when we're in bed together.

And I know her fantasies involve HER being tied up, controlled.
And if that's what I want done to ME (somewhat differently, but me in that being controlled role), then I doubt we're really compatible in that way?

When we were broken up I told her I tried kissing a guy friend to see if I was gay and liked it. In actuality, I found a guy and tried to get naked and hook up with him. I wasn't turned on at all, grossed out even. I left after 20 minutes because it felt awkward and disgusting.

She really wants to be with me. I just can never keep an erection around her, and I lose it when we try to have sex.

When I masturbate, which I've done quite frequently lately, I look at transsexual pornography and read stories about forced feminization. I have no trouble getting turned on when I'm using this material.

I don't like normal naked female porn. And I don't like gay porn. The exception is some transvestite porn.

So what the hell? I would be with this girl if there were any chance of it working. It just destroys my confidence to not be able to have sex with her because I'm not turned on.

 

he's not really labelling them that narrowly. the majority of gay guys find emotion and sexual attraction to guys. People can be sexually attracted guys and emotionally to girls and vice versa. If you aren't emotionally or sexually attracted to guys, you are neither gay or bi.
I think you just have a fetish that isn't common. There's bound to be those certain girls for you though

 

Hmm I do kind of like gay porn actually. I've never watched it before. It's possible I just have so many ingrained anti-gay ideas in my head that I've never even allowed myself to consider having love for another guy. Culture brainwashing is pretty powerful;p.

if you guys were in my situation, and say you found out you were gay...would you tell the girl you love in the hopes of remaining close friends? or would you let her keep the memory of you as a straight male she loved and not freak her out by telling her, even if it means you can't be friends.

When I told her I kissed a guy she was pretty disgusted..but I do love her\ :

If I had to choose between-->
fucking a girl (of my choosing)
being fucked by a guy (of my choosing)

I'd choose being fucked by a guy. Clear enough? I just wouldn't really want emotional connection or kissing them or anything. But that could just be conditioning.

 

she was disgusted? well that's lame. But people would probably be more disgusted by a presumably straight guy saying "i kissed a boy" rather than "I'm gay". And if she gets disgusted by gays, then she probably isn't open-minded enough to do what gets you aroused. Do you love her more romantically or more like a best friend? If romantically, I would rethink that. no offense or anything. If the sex isn't workin for you, you can find someone more potentially compatible.
If you think that a gayness can emerge, then that's good, just do what feels right for you.

 

I think of her romantically. And she has gay friends, she's definitely open-minded...I think it's just the idea that your straight boyfriend who you've loved and given everything to for a long time is actually gay underneath all that and was never even attracted to you in that way kind of thing is what would freak her out.

 

you don't seem to be able to make a difference between a rule and an exception. and you're projecting the qualities that apply to the exception onto the rule. by this kind of reasoning most of heterosexual men should be considered gay because most of them too have had sex (experimented) with other guys. which is as you see an absurd conclusion.
and i know everybody is not like me.

how 'bout a male-to-female transsexual who hasn't had his dick cut off yet? how would getting fucked by someone who looks like a woman but has male parts sound to you? would that be a turn on?

the way i see it is you're not turned on (at least for now) by either men or women, but transsexuals (male-to-female). it's quite interesting that someone would have a sexual response only to something so specific. there are quite a number of transsexuals around why not try it with one of them? see if you can retain your arousal in that kind of situation.

and i quite fail to understand what an emotional attraction means... maybe you just haven't met a guy you've connected with yet? being gay doesn't mean you have to feel attraction towards every guy. although in our age of information chances are if you're gay you've seen at least a few. being gay means finding guys beautiful, being attracted to them.

it sounds really unlucky to want to be with a partner of certain sex but not being able to have sex with her.