so, since the dread forum is so dead right now (apart from nattyfredlocks very entertaining threads) i thought i'd ask all y'all advice on something in my REAL LIFE. gah! do you think it's ever appropriate to cut family members out of your life? have any of you ever? why? my mum has done some really selfish things recently under the umbrella of 'i'm doing this for your own good'. in this situation she has the legal power because of some random circumstantial shit, + bad decisions by several people (myself included) + underhandedness by several people (herself included). basically the selfish shit she's done revolves around money. anyway. ultimately it seems she's decided that money + control was worth hurting me, a lot. i cut her off a few months ago and since then she's tried to communicate a few times, with emails talking about random shit, like how she's doing at work. completely ignoring all the shit that's going on. it infuriates me that she won't just say "so hey, some fucked up shits been going down, huh". so. is it okay for me to just divorce her? + she did it all because i have dreads. cough. which is the relevance to dreads bit.
yes it's totally okay. i've had to cut family members out of my life for various reasons. sounds like your mother doesn't deserve your attention. and i see this is because of dreads? well if she acts like this over a hairstyle, then fuck her anyways
if she fucked your life up and hurt you in a harsh way just because you have dreadlocks then she is indeed selfish (although i do not know your mother personaly) i think cutting her off for a while is justified depending on what she actually did to worsen your life.
Hmm, so you got dreads so you are obviously not thinking straight so i'm gonna pull financial support or any access to your own funds that you may have... is that it? If so... Then yes... play the game. I have family members that I'm not too friendly with. I now hold my emotions close to my heart and chat with them at arms length, cuz they can be nasty. You may regret cutting her off later on and you may regret that you never do it. There is no right or wrong answer... you gotta do what feels right for you.
This is my tactic, I've had a family member or two that I've wanted to cut off, but know I'd regret it later. I've just made it so they can't abuse the relationship but still keep in contact, just on different terms.
thanks for the responses guys. i was kidding about the dreads. she doesn't like them, but that has nothing to do with this whatsoever. that was me being hilarious. just trying (half heartedly) to avoid the inevitable "what the fuck is this doing in the dread forums" comments. it's not financial support as such. i've been independent for years. it's money that should be mine that she has control over for stupid reasons. i don't need it. that's not really the issue, just the straw that broke the yada yada. about the arms length thing. that's sort of what i've been doing with her for years. we've been 'closer' in the past few years than ever before because i removed my feelings from the equation, but i'm not sure i can do that anymore. i'm just so angry about so many things that i can't just ignore the elephant and talk about the weather with her. and the last few months of no contact has been such a relief. another thing to take into account is that i have three brothers. two of them still live with her and are financially dependent on her. since i don't live anywhere near them, they are the ones who've had to deal with the impact that my actions have had on her. she's been pretty crazy and unstable. but the biggest thing i'm struggling with right now is honesty and openness and respect. i feel that all people deserve honesty. so i feel that if i'm going to cut her off more permanently, then she should understand why that is, and how she will or won't be able to influence that decision. but at the same time i don't want to open a line of communication because i'll almost certainly be dragged into some drawn out stupid thing. she's illogical and irrational and emotional and i don't know how to communicate with her. blah blah blah.
fuck her off. If she would put her own self interest ahead of her child's then what debt of family love can you be expected to owe her. If shes not being your mom then she's just some random bitch you happen to know, and could well do without. (Not a terribly catholic answer, but I'm becoming increasingly mother agnostic as time goes by)
I've done the email thing, it turned around somehow and smacked me in the face, so I'm assuming fickle's mum is like mine and having any sort of serious discussion turns into a huge thing and no one gets anywhere.
Definitely makes sense. That's how I feel I guess. Just gonna be a heck of an email to write. Thanks for the advice Sorry you have a crappy mum ... My mum was actually awesome for young children. She was like supermum, and then once we started growing up she just had no fucking idea what she was about. I know that for the most part she still has good intentions, but that's not good enough anymore. She needs to wake up to herself and be accountable for her actions. She blinds herself with her own rhetoric, and convinces herself that the selfish things she's doing are actually for us (her children). and she has a bunch of family members around her who will support her and agree with whatever she does, which just enables her craziness. my family is so fucked up lol. complete emotional retards, all of us, in one way or another. thanks - luckily i have some great friends who are motherers lol.
Sort of adding on to what Mandy suggested about sending her a very direct e-mail...When you do that, you're going to have to be the adult in the situation. Give her a year to say anything, throw a fit, be angry, have a tantrum,whatever... tell her she will have a year to be a dick about this. You will still come for Christmas, still visit her and talk to her, etc...Then at the end of that year, if she's still being a bitch about it...then tell her you are not going to see her anymore, not come home for Christmas or visit or talk or whatever. Then you give her that year. The leverage you have as an adult child is your presence in their lives (That is if you aren't financially dependent on them). You need to go to her and say "You need to stop treating me like this or you will not have any face time with me so you won't be ABLE to treat me like this." And stand your ground!! Good luck! <3
i know this is none of my business but seriously, how old are you? i'm not trying to insult you by getting your age wrong or anything but judging by the situation you explained in the OP im guessing you're about 15-19 y/o and going through that time in mental/emotional maturity when you start to realize that your parents are just as caught up in their own worlds as you are. correction: you had no idea what she was about. im sure your mother has always been the same person since your birth. it's just that you got older and you were able to see her in a different light. wow... queen baby personality much? seriously though, how do you expect to have a personal relationship with another human if asking for more than good intentions and not giving the same. when your taking care of yourself and doing everything right in your life, the only thing you want from other people are good intentions. who are you? God? it really isnt your place in a family setting to be telling your mom whats wrong with her. you should be more worried about yourself rather than worrying about how your mom is going to take care of you lol.... thats what family's for! get used to it cause im pretty sure you're going to find your self doing some of the crazy shit your mom used to do when you get older. family helps to make you feel normal. i dont think holding a grudge against the woman who gave birth to you is such a good idea. it just makes you look immature because you're unable to realize that shes not just a mother but a human being who has their own thoughts and ideals like you. you need to respect that in order to get respect. believe me im 18 and ive been dealing with similar issues in my self and within the family for the past year and a half. it really is easier to just grow up than to piss and moan about the situation. sorry for being so blatant but i believe thats what it takes to realize things like this. no bull shit ya know? i hope this helped some. im probly going to get flamed for this...
On one hand, it sounds like she fucked up. On the other hand, we all fuck up at some point. And it sounds like she at least was trying to do the right thing, sounds like the kind of thing my mom would talk about, just to try to start conversation. She IS your mom, tell he strait up, we've got to talk this through like adults before we can continue our relationship. I guess I really can't tell from a post online of course, but it would be a shame to destroy a relationship just because your moms not perfect, none of us IS perfect. Some people have flaws that you've got to live with, or work with them to fix.
thanks.. this doesn't entirely fit my situation but i know what you're saying lol, thanks for the response i'm actually 23. it does sound like a bizarre situation for an adult to be in, which is why it's a problem. i think perhaps you didn't read the entire thread, or just misinterpreted a few things (perhaps because of your own situation, it's easy to project in situations like this) but i am independent (financially and otherwise) and have been for years. no... really.. she's great with kids, but doesn't relate very well to adults, and even less well with teens. all she wanted in life was a family, which she got, but the dream was ruined when my father left (14 years ago) because he couldn't trust her anymore. he didn't want any more children after me (the second) because they didn't have a lot of money and he felt a lot of pressure as the sole breadwinner. mum lied about birth control and got pregnant again. and then again. she was upset when i left home at 19 because i wasn't 'ready'. she moved out of her parents home when she got married to my dad, and thinks that that's the right way to do things. it's not a cultural thing either, it's just her. she has never let go her grudge of my dad, despite him continuing to support her and us. i think that she's afraid of being alone. my older brother has moved out now, and the younger brothers are 16 and 19, so it won't be long for them either. she wanted MORE kids. we grew up below the poverty line. and she wanted more kids. not religious, she just wanted more kids. she's emotionally unstable and is unable to maintain many friendships. since i was a young teenager she confided inappropriate things to me. about my parents sex life, her belief that he cheated on her, financial issues that i shouldn't have been made aware of. i have supported her emotionally for a very long time, and the more i've tried to distance myself from her, the more she tries to control me, in whatever ways she can. she has emotionally blackmailed me on so many occasions i couldn't count them. she truly believed that dad was going to come back to her, even after fourteen years (more than ten of those spent with another woman). when he finally tried to file for divorce she said "i'm going to drag you through the courts. i'm going to ruin your life the way you ruined mine". i don't want her good intentions when the results in my life are anxiety, depression, her controlling any of my finances, me having to listen to her talk shit about my dad, emotional blackmail, being denied legal rights, misinformation, lies... if any other person had this effect on my life i would have dropped them years ago. why should i put up with it from her? she wants a relationship and i don't. therefore if she is not willing to compromise by listening and changing her behaviour, then i'm not willing to compromise by having a relationship with her. my life is much easier without her. thanks for the input made this thread a lot more interesting. good advice.
also, re: intentions, RooRshack (i think?) posted on another thread "Mussolini probably had the best of intentions from his point of view. It's the outcome that matters." i don't agree entirely, but there are certainly limits as to how far your good intentions will get you.
