Forgiveness

When my aunts were growing up my grandpa sexually abused them. I dont know to what extent, but I do know that a couple of them have not recovered. This was well over 30 years ago, his family has had nothing to do with him since the abuse became known. My grandpa is now trying to reconnect with me and my family. I dont know whether I should communicate with him, because while he has not done anything to me...he has done years of damage to my family members. I just dont want to step on any toes ya dig? like i feel that he should be offered forgiveness...but its not in my place to forgive him..and if my aunts dont forgive him then should I back off? But he deserves love just like everyone else...and I love him...but in shunning him I'm technically hating him? Any advice?

Wishing you much peace and love
Lauren

 

Limit your contact with him to written letters.

 

Wow, what a terrible dilemma. Do you feel that he is sincere now in wanting to establish contact? Did he ever go to jail or have any legal consequences? What do you mean when you say your aunts "never recovered"? Did they get therapy?

My gut feeling is that 30 years of being ostracized is enough, but I think it depends on his attitude now. If he has owned up to it and taken responsibility for it, then I think forgiveness is the right way to go, for everyone in your family.

This is a tough situation, though. I can certainly understand if it turns out your family wants no further contact with him ever.

But if it was me, based on the limited information I have, I'd forgive him.

 

I think that he does want to become more involved. He never went to jail and as far as now there were no legal consequences. My aunts have severel issues, that are more than likely a result of his abuse. My one aunt is extremely cruel to her husband and kids. I think a couple of them have had therapy...

I do think my dad said something about my grandpa having no regrets...but I'm not to certain if this is true. I dont really know alot about the situation...

thanks for the replies...it means very much

 

If you make contact, be sure to know that recidivism is in the upper 90% for pedophiles.

DO NOT LEAVE CHILDREN NEAR HIM UNATTENDED.

IDK if there is any therapy that works for child predators, but apparently he hasn't even sought treatment.

Have you run this by the abused aunts - if they would hold it against you if you resumed contact with the family pariah?

 

I also suggest discussing the issue with your aunts- avoiding such dialog as, "I think Grandpa should be forgiven..." and such because there's no telling how much it will take to resurrect the hurt your aunts are feeling over their history. Sometimes the cost of behaving a certain way involve innocent parties being forced to make choices where there is no perfect options. You seem to be in such a place.

It may well be how this is handled that determines whether you are able to have some limited contact with your grandfather while maintaining a relationship with your aunts. Limiting your contact strictly to written correspondence seems an ideal option of not appearing to stand in judgment of your grandfather while being sensitive to the related emotional issues your aunts are coping with... and probably will for the rest of their lives.

 

I havent talked to any of my family about this because I wanted to really think it through first. The contact would be exclusively limited to letters/emails. But I think I am going to talk to my aunts as soon as I can.

thanks so much

 

As an adult survivor of child sexual abuse I am vividly aware of all of the issues that survivors face including forgiveness. I was abused by a cousin for 3 years and I honestly have worked through all of my issues surrounding it. I am an anomoly since I started my healing process at about age 20. The thing is your aunts healing process is their healing process. Just like my healing process is my healing process. I forgave my abuser. I haven't told him since it really has nothing to do with him. It has to do with me and releasing the negative emotions that I carried around about it.

I advocate forgiveness. Who are you really punishing by carrying around that resentment? Yes it was hard for me to get to the point where I got tired of the anger, the flashbacks etc. But in the end it has made me a much more compassionate and understanding person. I think that you need to weigh your options and the repercussions of being in touch of your grandfather. What is it worth to you? I've written a lot about my experiences in the "Worried" thread.

Peace Out,
Rev J

 

If there has been no communication for 30 years, everyone involved are different people.No one will know him and he will not know any of you.Though time stops in our memory in reality people move on an start new lives. More than likely this man is just reminiscing about his younger days, because he certainly couldn't know anyone after 30 years away.

 

Forgiveness? In terms as Rev said, if it is about the people who suffered letting go of the negative emotions surrounding, then it is a good thing.

In terms of this being expressed in any manner to the ones who caused the suffering?

NEVER.

Should you contact your grandfather?

Do you want people who have demonstrated the ability to harm little kids as a part of your life?

To those who say things like, "it's been 30 years, I think it's enough"... Time does not change people... people either choose to change or they do not, time has nothing to do with it. Beyond that, even if he had spent the last 30 years in a hard labor camp as punishment for his actions, it doesn't change the fact that he, beyond ANY doubt, has the ability to cause such harm.

Why would you ever want someone like that around?

 

this type of behavior is unforgivable. it's worse than murder in my eyes. i would love to fuck your grandpa up.

 

I meant to adress this part and I forgot.

When a person demonstrates such an ability to be able to harm those in our society who deserve all of our protection (kids), then they do NOT deserve love.

They had love, the best love there is... the love of a child.... and they took that love and they used it to hurt the one who was giving it unconditionally.

Worst part of it is, is that when they first did this, it didn't destory the love the child had for them, it made the child question what was wrong with themselves that caused this person they loved to treat them this way and made them feel guilty.

For some of those kids, they will never recover from it, while others may shrug and never think of it again.

But to say that the person who did it in the first place, in some way 'deserves' love... no, they do not.

Save your love and your compassion for the children that these predators harm.

 

While I understand the Sentament of this statement and even fealt this way myself at some times. I now do not agree with it. Here's why. I have said it once I have said it a million times: DON'T FUCK WITH ANOTHER PERSONS HEALING PROCESS!!!!! For some people the only way they can get closure and move on with their life is by confronting their abuser and taking their power back. And by "Fucking up Grandpa" you are stripping the abused of the opportunity to do that and heal.

Peace Out,
Rev J

 

lifes all about making mistakes and learning from those mistakes whether it be petty theft or a destroying a childs life and future. Put yourself in his position.. these pedos are sick in the head and even though it is their choice to commit the crime, they most likely feel deep remorse. especially an old man... i would make my peace with him especially if your not the one who got abused. but if you were the one that got the abuse its a whole nother story.

 

wow. thats such an awful situation to be in.
sorry i have no advice but i wanted to say that i think its really cool that you realize that he needs forgiveness and that your thinking about how to handle it without negatively impacting anyone in your family. i dont know i just think thats really awesome and i totally respect you for it.
i really hope things go well. :]

 

Yeah, I don't think I could be friendly with someone that I know has done something like that. And, I'd explain to him why. I don't think shunning him would necessarily mean you hate him, but that what he did isn't something you want around you. I'm sure he wasn't thinking of the child's feelings when he was abusing them.

 

Yes. I say even if you were the victim- though the rules established in the process of getting past it would certainly restrict the frequency and type of contact I'd have with an abuser. How gracefully they accept that would determine how much actual contact they were privvy to but there's no good reason to harbor anger... which is arguably poisonous to the soul.... and nursing a hatred would victimize me further and I'm not going to grant anyone the power to continue injuring me.

This is certainly reasonable counter to what I posted above though it hasn't changed my opinion.

 

hmm this is a hard one with me because im stuck in a similar sitch. the thing is like shale said- its not something they can just stop thinking and move on from- its an illness and they will always be turned on by the thought of doing this to children. i try not to be terribly judgmental anymore- even though ive got a lot of anger towards pedophiles. the truth is- he made the decision to do it- and lost his family because of it- he has to live with it- its not up to you to forgive him- he has to forgive himself and move on- but he will ALWAYS be a pedophile- even if hes not doing it anymore- hes thinking about it- and fighting the urge to think about it. your family didnt shun him- he Xed himself out of your family and from his loved ones when he decided to molest your aunts. hes done years of damage on them- and their children- and now its on you.
im not too sure how you work these things out- im figuring it out- but if you want contact- deffinately leave it to letters- nothing else. IMO-

 

Forgiveness isn't something you "offer". It is something you feel. Clearly you don't (and I'm not suggesting you should).

Forgiveness is about being okay with how everything worked out. Not being okay with what happened, but satisfied that all the repercussions are over with. (For an excellent essay on Forgiveness, see Stephen Gaskin's book, "Mind at Play") As long as you don't feel forgiveness for him, it is misleading to talk about it.

Shunning him is not hating him. Hate is much more active than that. You can hate him and shun him, but you can also love him and shun him. In some circumstances, shunning might be the most loving thing you could do.

 

^Yes this is all true. I don't know, it's a complicated situation and I would really have to know everyone involved personally to make a final decision. But I definitely feel that he does indeed deserve love. I do not think there is a being in this universe undeserving of Love. Remember eventually everyone must be forgiven, because we are all One, and regardless of our place along the path, we are all heading towards the same destination. So all sins must be absolved and love and forgiveness must be felt towards every being because everyone and everything is a reflection of yourself!! That being said, I understand the delicacy of the situation. I would recommend going with the route you've suggested in keeping written correspondence with him. That seems the best bet. Terrible things happen to people... your grandpa too. Completely ostracizing him I do not think makes matters much better. I understand what he has done is awful but people DO change, and 30 yrs is a long time... whether he took advantage of this time to heal himself I cannot say but I think if he wants to reconnect with his family by god you should allow him this... imagine dying knowing that your entire family hates you for something you've done... everyone will cry for their mothers one day... every bows before the almighty universe and the powers that be... everyone is humbled by pure white light, yaknow what I'm saying?? we are all truly equal, innocent and guilty, we've all done horrible things and we've all done beautiful things... whether in this life or any, we are all one... not a single being excluded...