Questions about trips

I've long been hunting for some good acid, and recently came across it.
My question is this...I read things like this:

"However: be prepared for your world view to be permanently altered. After your first trip you will never be the same, there's no going back to ignorance. This is usually a positive thing though."

I consider myself an intelligent person, and I have an interest in philosophy. I've always done well in my intellectual pursuits, whether that be school or other areas of interest. I'm currently in grad school.

I've tried LSD (3 strong hits) once and mushrooms twice (2g then 3.5g)

Now here's my problem:

I really appreciate the different philosophies held by prominent figures in psychedelic history. I've read literature by McKenna, Watts, etc., and their writings really resonate with me. Just reading has led to an altered worldview.

HOWEVER, I don't feel I've gotten anything particularly enlightening out of my three trips.

First one- 2g with a couple friends, went to botanical gardens, got kicked out and wandered home alone, disoriented, lots of visuals, distortion; I would consider that trip to have been an entertaining and recreational experience.

Second time- 3 hits of acid- did it inside, alone. Classic bad trip--horrible anxiety, feeling trapped, feeling too scared to go outside because I didn't want to get arrested looking insane, fear and anxiety that persisted for a week or so.

Third time- 3.5g alone in the nearby state park at night. Right as I started coming up a group of six people showed up in my tripping spot, and I had to maneuver the pitch black trails alone. This I did with the intention of contemplating the current path I was on and whether it was what I really wanted. I got out of the trip that I wanted to change my path, but overall it was a confusing and nauseating experience, and I really knew that beforehand anyway- the mushrooms just made it very clear.

After all this, I really don't feel "enlightened". Is this likely because all my trips occurred in bad settings/mindsets? I do have some serious issues with my life right now. Should I keep trying? Because I want to understand- I'm not looking for recreation in these trips, and I'm taking them very seriously.

On a sidenote- what is an ideal environment for tripping alone? I've tried inside- felt trapped; tried outside; felt like couldn't let go because I had no one watching me/was somewhere people could show up.

Lastly, I notice when I trip that a lot of sexual things come up, that are clearly a big part of my psyche. I can't tell if these are things about myself that I haven't accepted that I need to accept, or negative fetishes that I need to fight against. Does anyone else have lots of sexual things come up during their trip?

haha lot of questions in there. please comment on whatever part you would like: ).

 

It doesn't matter for shit what drug you take, enlightenment is up to you.

 

On that note- has anyone tried reading writings by psychedelic-using writers while in the middle of a trip?

 

I don't think it's necessarily enlightening for everyone who uses it. The fact is (and this is especially true with heavier trips) that you have to not fight the trip. When you try and fight the trip that's when you usually get anxious and have negative thoughts that you dwell on and can't really enjoy the experience. I have never had an experience from a strong hallucinogenic trip that's been completely positive, or where like I haven't found my shortcomings magnified. That is part of what attracts me to psychedelics, removing that egotistical guard and becoming vulnerable. You have to be able to take that view and integrate it into everyday life. If you want pure positivity I say go for MDMA, it may be more suited for you.

I think I have read on one trip and I enjoyed it, yet when morning came I found I didn't retain much of what I read. I much prefer music on psychedelics as I find psychedelics allow me to interpret music differently and I usually find myself viewing a song i've listened to hundreds of times in a new light on a psychedelic.

 

I've tried MDMA...I'm not looking for positivity in a trip. I'm looking for a real experience. I try not to fight the trip, but it's hard when you have so much shit bottled up lol.

 

You know when your brain swells up and they have to drill a hole in your skull to relieve the pressure?

yeah.

You wanna play rough? Okay. Increase dosage.

 

Hmm.... well i've found on lower to medium doses I can do things like play guitar and I imagine drawing or writing would be just as good as a release on a trip.

 

Haha I tried writing on acid. I'm normally a pretty good writer. It was disconcerting, however, when every letter I wrote disappeared in a little puff of smoke and left a blank page behind. ; ) The end result when I came down was a page full of scribbles lol.

 

what kind of acid are you taking?

 

lol it was wow...puff of smoke is an exaggeration, more just a little dissolving of ink.

 

and you don't find any of those effects to drastically change your view of the world or mind?

 

What's an effect?

 

That's an effect.

 

I mean...it was interesting, and it was visual, but how would seeing letters disappear change my view of the world, except in the literal sense that it is changing what I'm viewing? It's just a slight visual change.

 

There are many kinds of intelligence, and many kinds of dimness.

Certainly was not taken in the spirit of anything deep, so that's what you got.

Acid is the top dog here. 3 hits of strong acid your first time . . . alone . . . not good. Few could pull this off.

Again, 3.5g of mushrooms alone in a state park at night? Are you reading what you are writing? This is not how to do it You say you are interested in the writings of McKenna, Watts et al, well listen to what they say about taking this seriously.

I really don't think it's a vague feeling that you might or might not feel, it's more like an arrangement of yourself, a focusing, an alignment, a spaciousness. You are a completely, completely, completely different person when it happens. But nothing changes. But you are overwhelmed by it, inundated by the sheer scope of what has happened to you.

It's like love, if you have to ask . . .

That is certainly the prime suspect at this point. All 3 of your trips have been worse than a waste, they may have even given you added negative psychological baggage. Your accounts of psychedelic use are really accounts of psychedelic misuse. Focus.

Honestly, probably not. It depends on you, and your issues, if you would like to outline them here generally I could give further opinion, but the general answer is that no, if you have anything remotely significantly negative happening in your life, stay far away from psychedelics.

Until you learn how to use them.

...

If this is how you take psychedelics seriously, I'd love to see how you use them when you don't take them seriously . Every single one of your trips is a textbook case of the wrong way to do it. Every one was doomed from the get go. The acid trip had the most potential, in that doing acid alone indoors is a very safe and potentially enlightening/healing way of doing it, but not your first time ever, on 3 strong hits. We must learn to crawl first.

Outdoors = NO. You say it yourself; shit can happen. People can show up. This is absolutely a no-go situation. The problem here is you feeling trapped indoors. It is because your mind is being expanded and you have a corresponding psychological urge to expand your surrounding to maintain comfortable enclosure. Psychedelic induced claustrophobia if you will. This is a theme/issue you will deal with eventually. You will learn to make your mind the size of the universe while you lie under your bed covers.

Sexuality is an appetite we have, and we are built around satisfying these. It is the driving force of life. Without even going into how sexually repressed 99% of people are, and societies, and how neurosis-laden sex is in any context for most people, the fact is that lots of shit will come up during trips. It also depends what molecule you use. Both LSD and Mushrooms are classically quite sexual, within a dose range. They are powerful aphrodisiacs.

Either you will fix this idea you have (that there can be such a thing as a "negative fetish" and that you should in any context fight against yourself) or this is but one facet of the glimmering jewel of your ego that will be shattered to smithereens when you finally take the journey.

Summary: You need to go back to basics with "set" and "setting". Be indoors. Have an experienced trip sitter. Increase dose.

Good luck

 

Wow.

Thank you Mr. Writer, sincerely. That was incredibly helpful, particularly the part about claustrophobia in my room. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone experienced with acid, let alone someone I would trust as a sitter.

You end with telling me to increase dose...do you mean eventually or immediately?

Would you consider one hit in my room, alone, while my roommates aren't home, after meditating beforehand, relatively responsible?

 

There's two ways to learn to swim. One is the tortuous route of starting with your toes, and then the tip of your foot, and then your whole foot, and then a little shin, etc etc, with each step having equal or greater anxiety and trepidation than the last.

Or you can jump into the water. Actually for this analogy to be perfect you would imagine a container of water which automatically empties after the trip is over, making death by drowning not possible.

Yes. But it probably won't be anything past 'recreational' at that dosage. Just some euphoria, light visuals, slightly altered thought process, no shattering of all you know. That comes with higher doses.

 

Jump in man, the water's warm.

 

I don't want a repeat of last time I did three hits of acid in my room and had a horrible experience.

Has anyone tried using recordings as a guide to a trip? I.e. some of leary's recordings?

 

Music is my recordings, there is plenty of psychedelic music out there that for me can 'guide' me on a trip.