Am I actually gay?

Hey everyone,

This is Tim from Wisconsin (United States.)

I'm a 23 year old male and I've been "straight" all my life having 13 female sexual partners starting when I was 18 and stopping around age 20, and then around that time about 3 years ago I started questioning my sexual orientation, and I've been going back and forth about it now to this day ever since then.

I've been in an out of the psychiatric hospital over 10 times in the past 3 years for suicidal and homicidal feelings related to what I feel is my homosexuality, and all my friends, parents and psychiatrists believe that I'm not homosexual and have labeled me as schizophrenic and my gay thoughts as delusional.

While I've never had a gay relationship, I have been looking at gay pornography on and off for the past 3 years, and I'm still not sure whether I enjoy it yet. I'm definitely a "bottom" if I am homosexual. However, my theory is that I'm a severely repressed latent homosexual and that's why I've been having trouble accepting it. I've "come out" to everyone over 10 times, each time going back and saying I'm heterosexual, but now I think I'm homosexual again.

Another theory of mine 2 years ago went that many so-called "mentally ill" people are actually latent homosexuals, and then yesterday I came across this article yesterday which backs up my theory that I am homosexual and that my theory that many mentally ill people are simply repressed latent homosexuals using defense mechanisms to repress their thoughts which in turn manifest as symptoms of "mental illness":

http://ezinearticles.com/?Latent-Homosexuality:-Paranoid-Delusions-Rage-and-Anxiety&id=381537

"Others have expressed the opinions that latent homosexuality has been a convenient psychopathological "catch-all" category in which many types pathology are assigned, often, with little or no relationship to homosexuality."

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reaction_formation ;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism)

I think sexual orientation at its root simply is which *facial SHAPE* one likes. It doesn't depend on breasts, penis, hips, chest, muscles, facial hair, vocal tonality, vagina, buttocks, anus, smile, hip sway, etc - simply the shape of the face.

Right now I think I like the male face and that I've never actually been attracted to the female face, no matter how much more "pretty" it is in general than the male face.

I've spent the last 3 years indoors and the last 6 years doing little to nothing - no job, no car, living at home, etc - and the past 3 years has been spent trying to find my true homosexual self, but now I'm at a standstill because I'm really unhappy with my homosexuality if I am homosexual when the original intention in my exploration of my sexuality was to find more happiness in life, ironically.

Any input, comments, stories, help, anything at all would be appreciated.

Thank you,
Tim

 

Now I must admit, this is an interesting predicament to be in.

Personally I think the quickest way to enlighten yourself would obviously be to sleep with a man. I mean, that would be the ultimate test, and you obviously would find no trouble finding a guy since you have no problems with ladies.

I do think that sexuality is tricky business, and I am one of those under the illusion that every human being on this planet is smack dab in the centre of the spectrum- with this meaning I believe everyone has bisexual tendencies and some act on it and others repress it to the point they don't even know it exists.

So, my point, is that you might just be mixing up a slight 'rooting' of homosexuality with is so minor it may actually not be your true proclivity of calling.

I do think you need to call a spade a spade, and you will need to find an answer in this case. Most of the time I would suggest to people to just ride with it, and enjoy whatever energy they get off others sexually- but here I think your life is being effected by this problem and you need to find fulfillment.

Maybe looking at it as a Pansexual will help, and perhaps consider your ideal mate- who do you imagine yourself being held against, a man or a woman? Love conquers lust in my eyes, just slightly, and that would define maybe where your urges lie more so.

Good luck though!

 

I like the image of being with a woman and I don't like the image of being with a man, but I'm afraid. That's why it's hard to imagine myself with a woman. I'm afraid I'll say something wrong and she'll break up with me. Like always happens. It always happens. Always.

I guess I'll never know until I do something with a guy - but what if I don't like it and blame it on REALLY repressed latent homosexuality? I mean how far am I going to take this?

 

You mean image like the social image you would have?

Because if that's the case that's something you have to deal with, I mean no gay person ideally wants to be a minority- and being gay sort of is.

 

Not the social image - the living with and having sex with image

Pussy makes me cum - and I mean a guy with his dick hard in my ass doesn't sound that good but for some reason I keep looking at that kind of porn too, so it seems something is latent and is being repressed.

And I don't believe in bisexuality.

 

I know I'm NOT gay now because when I let myself go sensually with women (I've never really been sensual with a girl - I've always been really robotic) it feels right, very, very right, very awesome, but when I let myself go sensually with men, I don't enjoy it at all, at all. But at first I was thinking that this sensuality was somehow "gay" because it's far removed from the stoic-ness I imagine a lot of guys display.

Then again, now that I think more about it, I think I might enjoy men more in this sensual state.

 

Todays society has many poisonous institutions

NARTH, for instance, seems to exist for the sole purpose of insulting and demeaning gay people.
Western Monotheism and Islam also contribute to this.

Society itself is quite delusional. The culture of our western industrial capitalism is on a collision course with the apocalypse...but there is still cause for optimism

Many people enjoy the physical/emotional/mental aspects of both genders and they are not 'delusional' or 'schizophrenic'.

Is it wrong to percieve the young and healthy members of our own species as pleasing to the eye!?

Must we find ourselves ugly and grotesque in order to be psychologically and spiritually healthy!?

Thats what much of our culture seems to sell. Don't buy it.
It's OK to find your own sex attractive
Though I wont lie - It can be very confusing.
I'm not certain it will get any less confusing, and more than likely it will get even more confusing as time goes on. But don't worry.

I long ago stopped trying to slap a label on myself.
That's what causes so much grief for many people on this forum - trying to determine themselves as being 'gay', 'straight' or 'bi'.

That's not enough flavours! and I don't even think the scale is linear!
And for me it changes all the time!
So don't worry too much about coming to a 'conclusion'

Seek love

 

What the fuck would they know?

Most guys do, they just never admit to it, hell a lot of girls do too. The straight population is a far bigger market for gay porn then gays themselves are


"Am I gay" its a stupid question when you think about it, what are you actually talking about when you say gay?

Are you one of those little dudes pinning over men since as early as they can remember, no, we can cross that off the list, the ones that are like that arent going to consider you the same thing no matter what you call yourself.

Are you 100% homosexual, no you've already been with girls, are you 100% straight, no you've already jacked off to gay porn

So you are somewhere in between

 

Somewhere in between is bisexual. He doesn't believe in it allegedly

 

sexuality has nothing to do with believing. whether you know it or not but bisexuals do exist. your faith will not make them go away.

ever thought that it might be something else that you're repressing?

also, you do sound schizophrenic.

 

yeah, people who've spent their life studying mental illnesses/disorders and practicing in the field must know nothing about it, right?

 

Nothing about what? That this guy on the odd occasion jacking off to gay porn might not be a delusion

 

so us on these internet forums who are completely unfamiliar with his medical history and have a limited knowledge of the whole situation know so much better, right?

 

Were you SURE you were gay before you did it the first time? Or was it the sexual experience that was mainly responsible for your knowledge that you're gay? Have you ever heard of a guy not knowing he's gay until after he tries it?

The reason I ask is because I'm thinking that I guess I have to try it now, it's just that I have to try to figure out how to go into it with as few preconceived notions as possible so as to minimize the chance that I don't ruin my experiencing a good thing before it even happens and falsely conclude that I'm not gay.

 

I have. For some, the sex just breaks the dam and it just makes sense, but that's more rarely. A lot of gays are already gay before sex but it doesn't really mean anything. cuz what if they didnt like the sex? they might be in the same situation you're in now.
I don't necessarily think trying sex is a final test.

Why don't you "believe" in bisexuality? I think that's your issue.

 

yes, i've heard of guys like that. but i don't know what that's like in person. i knew i was gay before i ever did anything with any guy. all my thoughts were of guys. that's where my sexual/romantic desire was directed to. for me there was never any question about it. i guess that makes it hard for me to understand guys who are confused about their sexuality so i'm probably not much help to you.

 

Did you ever have any hangups about using the butt region for sex? If so, what happened that made you feel comfortable with it? Also, is this a common issue amongst the homosexual crowd?

 

Maybe you're bisexual. Lots of people are. It's more commonly accepted for women to be, but once you accept it you'll know that you always have options with either sex and won't feel so trapped.

 

I've always worried about and still do a lil cuz i haven't officially done it. I've only done it when I was plastered drunk. But I'm not nervous about it anymore cuz everyone is in the same boat. and I find that people are very lenient when it comes to sex so it's not something to overthink.
And yes this is very common with gays to be reluctant. There are a lot of gays that want their butt left alone. Anal is definitely something that you have to get into, whether you've been gay your whole life or are acknowledging it later on.

 

Humans are very sexual creatures. Don't limit yourself to just one side or another.
And, in the same way, don't try to label yourself. Labels are a creation of our society, and are truly an illusion. Are you an exact set type of person? No! Why label yourself as such?
Free yourself. Be who you are, and don't be afraid of whoever that person may be. You'll appreciate it!

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our mind." -Bob Marley, Redemption Song