Desperate for understanding a complex situation

For those that truly read this entire post, bless you because it will be long. I need help in many ways, advice and some wisdom about how to help, deal with and perhaps get focus on a situation.

First of all understand that I am married and a male. This issue is concerning my wife who I love deeply.

Our background is colorful as many peoples can be. She came from Asia after we met overseas. She is a professional and I am the average layman worker yet I own a small business and we live a very simple life within our means. Material things never mattered much. Her upbringing is of Catholic origin yet before she met me she converted to a Protestant faith. As for me, I have been of a Protestant faith my entire life. I served with the US Marines and have worked with the US Intelligence community.

During the first few years of our marriage everything was "normal". We purchased land and there was a lot of cleanup for the previous owner left behind a lot of junk including a home that was beyond the ability to repair. We began to clean up the land and in a shed we found some pornographic magazines. Understand we have never looked at porn as a couple before, nor as individuals during our marriage. It simply was not something either of us did although while I was in service I had my fair share of exposure to it.

I never have had a repulsion to porn, nor the idea of homosexuality. Men with men or women with women I always considered to be a personal preference and normal despite the upbringing I had. My travels in the world opened my eyes to many lies we are told as children and the real world is just not as simple nor cookie cutter as many would like to present it. Yet my wife on the other hand looked at this lifestyle where one utilizes porn and the concept of homosexuality where it was wrong as per her training and upbringing.

Yet that day when she found the magazines, I have never seen anyone look at porn with such curiosity. After having looked at virtually ever magazine she asked me if we could go to our vehicle and look at it together. I had no objection. Being on our land and no one around I agreed. In our vehicle she became very aroused by what she saw. Yet what surprised me was how aroused she became by women with other women.

It went from casual browsing to foreplay where she met her peek looking at photos of women with women. At this point, it blew my mind how such a straight laced woman who claimed what she claimed apparently was not so straight laced.

After this account, she became very vocal about not wanting to see anything like that again. Yet it did do something good for our relationship in that it opened the door for toys that she had otherwise also been against.

Some time passed and she one day came to me asking my thoughts on homosexuality. I told her I had no problem with it. At first she acted totally disgusted at how I could find it acceptable. Then she asked if I liked other men. I told her that I did find men attractive, some anyway. She then mentioned that she would like to see a picture or video of men with men. So I downloaded a movie, once again she enjoyed what she saw but after it was over she discredited her liking of it as wrong and said she regretted ever having opened that door.

The other night we were out in town and the kids were with the parents so I decided to stop into our local "sex shop". She had never been in one and I thought she might enjoy looking at the clothing and toys to find something we both could enjoy. At first she refused to go in but it really didnt take that much persuasion for her to volunteer on going in. Once inside she did find some things she liked.

Then came the movie aisle. She found a movie she thought she would enjoy so I purchased it it. I tried to point her in the direction of the playgirl movies where she could see more men focused play but she insisted on this one she found due to its "story".

Once at home, we watched the video and a scene came where there were multiple women with each other. Once again she became very aroused by what she saw. After the night was over, the next morning she was stating that she does not want to see the movie again, albeit this time she was no where near as animated. Her expressed displeasure was far milder and meeker than in previous instances.

There have been other occasions that she has also looked at some pictures of women with me which led to some interesting discussions on homosexuality. She has admitted to being turned on by women and saying that she believes that it is natural but to later only recant what she said.

Understand, I am not a woman. I have no idea how women discover or deal with or rationalize this facet of their being. With men it is not quite as complicated I believe. Perhaps I am wrong, but it seems women have a great deal more sophistication when it comes to this part of their life than men do and perhaps this is in large part due to how deeply rooted sexual experiences can be tied to the emotional and personal well being of the woman.

Yet for those readers here, what exactly have I found myself in the middle of? Has she discovered something or am I making too much of this? If she has discovered something how can I help her without pushing her or causing harm?

I really need some help understanding this from a womans perspective.

 

A case of ambivalence? It sounds like she is finding out she is turned on by the homosexual pornography but at the same time feels guilty about it due to her religion. I would assure her there is nothing wrong about exploring her sexuality.

 

Yep this is the first direction that I took off in. In fact there was a blog where some religious figures broke down the whole controversy and proved that there really is nothing wrong with it at all.

Yet at the moment I am not pushing her towards it at all. The events I described have taken place in over six months or so. But your right in that its like the sudden "discovery" and then the "guilt" kicks in.

The conclusion to several conversations are along the lines of despite the fact that I can prove that there is nothing wrong with it, her upbringing still has her head wired to believe there is something wrong and she admits that and chooses to at this time stick with that.

I wouldnt normally come to a place like this and post about personal experiences other than the fact that it has caused some friction in some places within the relationship. Essentially things being taken out of context within innocent conversations on generic topics and so forth shows that it has been and is on her mind.

 

Nothing to worry about here at all. Your wife has discovered that she has a somewhat ambivalent attitude towards f2f sex. Adopt the attitude that sex IS fun and that she ought to be fine with having her fantasies, too.

Stay away from making any of this into an issue at all. Say, she has discovered that she likes Spanish food. Nope, she would not want to cook spanish every day, but a nice set of tapas or a paella now then would not harm anyone.

KD