I'm only Seventeen, you know... well, okay, you don't. I'm new here, and I don't know any of you... At least, I don't think I do.. I might, in real life, but not here, anyway. Wondrous google, right? Anyway... I want to be a boy.. I have for years now, since I can remember (though that's not particularly long to some people). I suppose.. nearly eight or nine years is a good estimate of it... At first, I dressed like a boy--I had baggy pants and shirts, baseball hats and everything. I convinced my friend's brother that I was a boy, even, which was probably the highlight of that speck of time. Then I went from Tom-boy, to some sort of lazy punk who refused to take a shower--I couldn't stand them. I didn't know why I hated them, I just did, even if I know now. I turned that into some feminine sort of.. thing. I don't know why. It didn't make me feel any better, getting some padded bra and earning a boyfriend by just slouching when I talked to him. It wasn't until I moved away from everyone that I knew something was off. I wore things I hadn't before--skirts over jeans, 'cause wearing nothing under them made me uncomfortable... I thought I was bisexual for a while, and told my sister about it, as well as this weird urge to be a boy and be done with it--she just thought I was butch. I kissed a girl--just a peck... It was the weirdest thing ever, and I have no interest to do it again. So, I know I don't like girls, but after that, I knew what I wanted. I took showers more, though, if only to get my family off my back about having nappy hair. When I was in my sophomore year, just at the beginning, my mom discovered a letter I wrote a few months before, to my dad.. about everything.. not the gay thing, because I knew that she would just stick onto that and not let go, but the gender stuff.. She flipped.. in a.. mom sort of way. She put herself in her room and cried, then called my dad home from work so he could take me to some un-trained "psychiatrist" at our Church. My dad just wanted to know what he did wrong, and I think, no matter what I said, my parents kept thinking it was all their fault. I went to talk to the guy at the church for a few months, but I think he gave up with trying to convince me that I was meant to be a girl from the beginning, and that I had no right to change that--and that it was a phase that would all go away. I didn't tell him it'd been there for years in the first place--there wasn't any point. He stopped calling to arrange meetings, and, at home, everything went back to normal, as if my parents had just forgotten about it. I called my oldest sister up, the one who thought I was a butch, but she hadn't changed her mind. She just said that I could be the man in the lesbian relationship... but I asked her to talk to our mom and dad, and she did, which just convinced my mom that I thought I liked girls. But after just a night of my mom crying and trying to convince me not to, and me just sitting there, everything went back to normal again. Recently, my other sister had a baby, and I swear to God (forgive me, if that offends some of you), if they call me 'aunt' one more time, I might explode, and I'd hate to do that. I've always been close to my family, in a way.. I get along with them, at least, and they usually get along with me, and I would hate to see them hate me for this, or cry because of me. Even so, I can't change it, and I won't. I know I'll get the surgeries, as I told my other sister, the one with the baby.. She just said that they'd kick me out--at least when I started hormone treatments--and that she wouldn't know what to tell her kids, something I didn't.. really care about. Selfish? Maybe.. but I couldn't find a reason why it would be a big deal. They'd be too young to care anyway, and by the time they got older, they probably still wouldn't. I want to start as soon as I can, at eighteen, even if I'll still be in school then--a senior, actually. My friend was talking about moving out as soon as she was eighteen as well, but that's months after from my own birthday, and since neither of us have jobs, or any sort of income, I can't see us moving in together when I'm transitioning--not now, anyway.. I don't know what I should do anymore. My family, besides my oldest sister, even if she might still think I like girls, will be horribly disappointed, and I hate that, but I can't do this anymore. I can't answer to 'aunt', I can't wear dresses to events, I can't answer to my name, I can't pretend that it's all okay. Sometimes I just want to die, but I can't. Dying scares me almost as badly as living this way for the rest of my pathetic existence, not to mention, I wouldn't just disappoint my family by suicide, I'd disappoint my friends.. and if I failed at it, I know my friends would be pissed at me, and my parents would be so sad, and blame themselves--again. I don't have money for a binder right now--I don't have money for anything. I wanted my parents to help with the cost, of the surgeries and treatments, and binder... but I don't know if they will. And if they don't, and they kick me out, where am I supposed to go? I don't have a license, much less a car, and starting the career that I want to start takes at least some money, and it'll be harder to make a really good living from it.. I want to be a freelance writer, see... I'm scared and I don't know what to do with them anymore. I know what I want to do, and no matter what, I'll do it, even if it takes years to get the money. My friends are offering to help, but taking that makes me feel bad too... I don't like whining, I just.. need to know if telling them what I'm going to do when I turn eighteen is a good idea, or if I should wait until I'm more financially stable, so that I can have money for a place to live if they can't stand to look at me anymore.
Awww honey, that must be a terrible situation to be in. You certainly have my sympathy and I with there was something I could do to make your family more accepting of you. As for whether or not to tell them now...if they love you, discovering your true gender shouldn't affect that in the slightest...it shouldn't, but it still might. I don't have any experience at all in this area so take my advice with a pinch of salt if you wish (I've been blessed with very accepting parents)...but if I were you, I'd have one last shot at telling them. It's probably a good idea to it them down and gently explain that you KNOW and always have known that you were born in the wrong body and that being in this body you're currently in is dragging you down. Explain to them that you're still the same person you always were and nothing will change your soul. If they're very religious, then I'd suggest asking them why, if God does no wrong, he put you in this body/gave you these feelings in the first place. If they respond with ye olde free will argument, tell them that the Bible promotes love for everybody. If, after all this, they still cannot accept you or who you are, they are, in my opinion, very much deluded. It may take a while, but I'm sure that eventually you can open their hearts and they will accept you. If not, that's their problem, not yours, and it's not something you should lose sleep over. If, however, you're really confident they will kick you out, it may indeed be sensible to wait until you're in a more financially stable situation before telling them. For example, if on a scale of 1 to 10 you're between 7 and 10 confident they will kick you out, waiting is probably the best option. I wish you the very best of luck with your situation and I hope you can resolve it. Sending peace of mind, love and happiness your way, LPM. eace: <3
