For a while now, I've had very strong suspicions that I'm gay. Supported mainly by the fact that I fantasize exclusively about men, and that I've not been attracted even slightly to a woman in ages, not since my first girlfriend. Recently these feelings have been getting stronger, and I'm starting to accept these feelings for myself; instead of trying to supress or deny them like I did previously. The trouble is, I have no idea how to go on from here. There's generally not a lot of gay approval (none that I can detect, at least) at the college I go to, or among my circle of friends, and no-one I really feel I can trust 100% at home or outside to come out to fully. It's not like I know anyone else in a similar situation - so I can't seek advice on what to do next. And at the same time (perhaps beacuse of this) I can't fully confirm these desires, since I've never had any real same-sex experience before. It's a self-perpetuating cycle, and not taking any action only makes things more stressful and uncomfortable. ... which is why I'd really appreciate some advice. I don't want to isolate myself from my peers, but at the same time keeping my feelings supressed like this has me in a state of turmoil. If anyone out there sympathizes with this mess, I'd love to hear about it! Being the "odd one out" is one thing, but not even knowing if you are for sure is real torture.
You don't mention the area you live in but its hard to imagine any campus (unless its a fundy Xtian school) not having some gay folks. However it is often hard to find individual gay folks. Does your school have any Gay organizations, support networks? Although I really don't like them personally, some areas have decent gay bars. It will probably help a lot just to have a face to face conversation with someone your own age. If you are fantasizing about guys and find little attraction to women then you may well be gay. Only you will be able to figure that out. Just don't let homophobes and right wing religious nuts influence your self concept and feelings. For that matter don't let someone try to talk you into being gay if you aren't. You're at the perfect time in life for self discovery and that search for self is quite an adventure. Thank God you got the internet to give you lots of facts and thoughts. Have fun finding youself.
Ask yourself first, why would you need anyone's approval to live your life the way you find fit? There is a wise sayíng "Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the approval of the others" In all likelihood, the approval will never come since people do not feel like granting you something and getting nothing in return. (Why should they do so? And why should you ask for it in the first place?) This is your life. You are calling the shots. Dispense with the notion of seeking anyone's approval for something that is purely your own business. Second, no one is entitled to being privy to your intimate life. Coming out is purely optional and nothing that you owe to anyone! When you come to think about it, very few people go around sharing the details of their intimate affairs with the rest of the world. Why should you take that path in the first place? What you do in your bedroom stays in your bedroom. Third, remember that the huge push towards coming out really comes from the trendsetting marketeers who see a huge $$$ potential in having a target group that buys what they tell them to buy. No one is really gay unless he buys $35.00 pair of Aussiebum. We all know that. Right? Fourth, dispense with the notion that coming out in college will do wonders towards improving your (sex) life. It won't! Most college dudes are either in closet, undecided, experimenting or simply keeping their own lives to themselves and their own group of friends and buddies. Wearing your sexuality on your sleeve will most likely scare other dudes off and leave you wondering why is no one interested in you. Well, they very well may be interested in you but see no reason to be associated with someone who is openly gay and who will blow their cover by association. Get on the net, find dudes whom you think are attractive, make friends and have some fun. Enjoy your life and do not put any emphasis on making it all public and in other people's face. Once you feel that you want to come out since this will make your life easier, because you have a permanent partner or a permanent group of friends, etc., do so. There is no need to cross that bridge before you get there! KD
