PiHKAL & TiHKAL

I wasn't there, but here's a description of it written by Jon Hanna: http://www.erowid.org/general/conferences/conference_2010_ps21c.shtml

That would have been great to attend!

I've read Pihkal and never finished reading Tihkal, which I think I'll do in a month or so. The two tombs are currently holding up each of my duel monitors in front of my face.

I got the PDF versions of both too (full versions) and I was looking for a quote that I'm pretty sure "Alice" wrote in Pihkal about clearing bees out of their basement that goes something like... "the bees make the honey!" Until I'd read that, I had no idea what the whole bees and The Hive theme was about!

I'm looking forward to the Shulgin Index. Too bad Sasha's eyesight is so terrible now. He should try "Can-C" eye drops!

 

so, for the regulars who know about my gf...today she decided she would read PiHKAL. she's seen me reading it late into the night, and asked if it was a good story and good writing. i told her it was, but to watch out for all the drug talk so that's exciting news

but on the other hand (it might get personal now) tonight, after a couple beers (she had three, me - one) she completely lost it! over something so stupid. her falling asleep while watching a movie. i was lovingly teasing her about it, and she wouldn't admit that she was falling asleep. god this is dumb.... but i just wanted her to admit it, because she makes such a big deal about being so honest and makes me feel so guilty about lying to her about stuff in the past.....well we had a huge fight, she fucking threw stuff at me and slapped my arms a bunch of times. i think there may be some deeper problems and we might need to break up. honestly i've thought it for awhile now. i think we are both just too used to each other, too comfortable and afraid of change and of being alone. i suck at meeting people. i feel like such a pussy and so selfish to not just end it, because i'm scared of not finding someone else. why the fuck do i need a girlfriend!? i know i don't, but it sure is convenient.

and honestly i fucking love her. i don't want anyone else. i just want our relationship to be better.

[i reserve the right to hijack my own threads]
will post some quotes from PiHKAL later, to get back on topic

UPDATE
during the argument last night, she was accusing me of trying to change her (because i ask her to rinse dirty dishes, not talk so LOUDLY, stupid little things that i never think of as a big deal - like i don't think of her badly because of them - i'd just rather not have to wash crusty hard shit when it's so each to give a quick rinse, and i don't want our neighbors to hear her yelling, or to feel like i'm being yelled at even when she's talking in her normal loud voice - anyways)
so she wanted me to stop saying little stuff like that and stop "controlling her." so i mentioned what about her control over me? she said she didn't want to control anything, so i said, with bad taste and timing, "good. because i think i wanna order another drug." meaning 4acodmt. she reacted terribly to that, screaming that we were over and jumping out of bed, re-igniting the full blown argument. i suppose she has some right to do this, because in previous fights like this, i have agreed not to buy any more drugs as she puts it. she knows i have some 2ce and acid left, but thinks i'm gonna be done with psychedelics after they run out.

FUCK
this all leaves me thinking 50/50
on one hand i feel like she's right. i'm throwing our relationship out over drugs.
but on the other hand, i can't just change how i feel about this stuff, i can't stop having a passion for it (as pathetic as they may sound to someone who doesn't partake). i can't be something i'm not.

she sometimes will say that she doesn't care so much about me tripping, but that i'm obsessed with it and always on the forums and don't pay attention to her. she called me boring

OK, she has a point. but she has made it such a taboo subject, that i can't really talk to her about it, and lately there have been some hints that i CAN...but then this shit happens.
and to be fair - i suggest going for a walk or bike ride or doing something, and she often declines. so who's the boring one? she's always watching tv which she says is because i'm ignoring her. which i guess i have no excuse for. it's kinda true that when i get home from work i'd rather come in the bedroom, get high and get on the computer for music most importantly, but HFs 2nd - instead of go sit in the living room with some shitty daytime TV on. we need to compromise and maybe sit with some music in the background - i dunno we just don't wanna do the same things ALL THE TIME which should be OK. but i feel like she's not happy unless we are in the same room. FUCK fuckity FUck ufkc KFC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

as i type this i think we will continue our relationship, but this will continue to be a problem. we might have to end things. i'm not positive what she is thinking. we slept next to each other last night, and she wanted to hug and make up before we went to sleep. and she was nice before she left for work this morning, but last night was asking if i could just be nice to her while she looks for her own apartment. ideally some time off, might be a good thing for us. but if that happens i'm sure it would be the end of us. moving into her own place (she doesn't know anyone around here, she came here for me) would be such a drastic move, that we would never wanna move back in with each other

she wants to get married, and i think it's evident that we have too many issues for that
she was fucking insane last night screaming "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU, you are a miserable person, i hate spending time you you, etc etc"

WHEW! i have no fucking idea why i'm sharing this with you guys
please don't judge

 

If you feel that way about her, then try to work it out and solve these deeper issues.

...PiHKAL & TiHKAL

 

here's some interesting quotes from PiHKAL. BOOK I - The Love Story. Part Two: ALICE'S VOICE.

from Shura when he's apparently pissed off:
"I'm so sick, sick, of being the one who has to solve everything for everybody. I'm sick of being the candy-man, the one who busts his ass in the lab to create new materials, new tools for exploring the human mind and how it works, while everyone around me only wants another trip. Nobody cares one whit about real research, real investigation, real work in this area. Nobody else wants to go through the trouble of writing and publishing what they've discovered through the use of these drugs. They just look to me to turn them on, give them goodies. Not a single one of them cares about me, just me, for my own sake. It's the candy-man they love, not Shura Borodin."

here's one from Alice (on 500 mg [synthetic i think] mescaline) that rings true:
"Funny, I'd forgotten that what comes to you when you take a psychedelic is not always a revelation of something new and startling; you're more liable to find yourself reminded of simple things you know and forgot you knew - seeing them freshly - old, basic truths that long ago became cliches, so you stopped paying attention to them."

and another from Alice (on 3 mg DOB):
"The hero had wandered into a valley where he saw, all around him, plants thrusting up by the tens of thousands, each individual plant totally unlike any other, some exquisitely beautiful, others grotesque and mis-shapen; he saw each plant blossoming, withering, then falling lifeless, within moments of it's birth. The hero looked on in growing horror until, unable to stand the sight any longer, he ran out of the valley.
I remembering [typo] shuddering at what was obviously a portrayal of human existence, each new person emerging with a completely distinctive, never-to-be-repeated set of genes, fingerprints and psychic structure, billions of such one-of-a-kind entities continually being born and dying, all over the earth. The picture was one of terrible waste, of vast indifference on the part of the producing force...
what was the use of all the suffering, all the joy, all the searches for meaning, if this obscene birthing and dying, this implacable thrusting into blooming life and disintegration back into the dirt was all that was really happening?"

Alice's messages aren't really new information for most of us, but i think she puts it eloquently.

 

Help is where you find it brother. As other people have written in other threads, this forum isn't nothing. And it's not just a habit. So say on.

Old basic truths - yeah.

Photo: Looking into the heart of the Titcomb Basin in the Northern Wind River Mountains. The year this photo was taken there was a lot of snow higher up and we aborted going over the mountain pass in the far distance at the left. The next year I came over the pass from the other (west) side and down into the basin.

 

you know... there's a forum for this kind of thing.

You might get some good advice there.

 

i guess i was looking more to vent than to get advice. and since our main issue is kind of about synthetic drugs...it's somewhat relevant. AND since it's MY fucking thread, i didn't think you'd have to be a dick about it

 

I see what you're saying pork, probably the last 3 relationships I've had sparking off...ended early due to me not being willing to give up psychedelics and marijuana for them....I HATE THIS FUCKING STIGMA associated with drugs, definately when all I do nowadays is smoke weed and trip 2-3 times a year (its been almost 2 years since my last lsd trip). anyways, people think Im a "fiend/addict" because I won't give up marijuana for them, when really, I just want someone who likes ME for ME regardless, its not like I tell them to give up lil wayne cause I don't like him.....maybe I should ?

 

exactly

BUT, i have a problem there too. earlier in our relationship (a couple years ago), she smoked cigs, but not REALLY - when drinking or just randomly. i guess i should have let her, but i gave her a hard time about it, and she "quit" for me...but would still do it occasionally. but anyways, she always points to that, when i say that i never tried to change anything about her.

 

I'm guessing she ignores you when you point out the difference in tobacco and psychedelics.

 

most women aren't cool with this type of behavior.. and this is why i'm single haha

 

i think she believes that psychedelics are worse than cigs.

 

I know quite a few chicks that are into drugs (actually almost all the girls I know are into em to some extent).
They're out there.
Pork your woman needs some serious educating, but it obviously can't come from you, cuz she won't listen to any valid point you can make.
Try giving her some reading material about studies done with psychedelics.
Shulgin's books aren't a bad start, but I think actual studies may open her eyes up a bit more.

 

yea, i know a lot of cool chicks that trip.

i know a girl [she's 13 years older than me] who has taken over 1000 hits of lsd in her life, i know many girls who love to take drugs and dance all night!

but could just be the fact that they're around my circles of friends

 

Dood, this is so what happened to me. EXACTLY... This is some craziness.

Listen pork, it will help salvage what might be there till. I learned to late

1. You can NOT change what you like and love. People grow up and you will phase out of drugs like other hobbies you have had. Let it happen naturally. You can't drop something you love to do, have a habit of, and think helps you learn.

2. GET THE FFFUUUCCCKKK OFF THE COMPUTER! The computer is SO lame in comparison to life. Its an addiction for real. I didn't realize how lame I was until I got away from it for a while. Life's so beautiful without drugs and computers its amazing. You might realize this when you forget about the world, concentrating on drugs and computer shit for so long u forget what life is about. (BTW, everytime I am talking to you your getting off to hang with ur girl or do something. Might not be that bad, to me (yet!)) You might have to let it get really bad before you realize how lame it is. Nature naturally flow relax.

3. "i feel like she's not happy unless we are in the same room". This is a bad thing. Very bad. You need to have other friends and time apart to work out. If you don't know what other people are like you can never know why you like her. Then you will compare her to yourself (the perfect person). This needs to be fixed asap too. Time off needs to happen daily, forever. Not being away from each other for weeks.

You know, I feel like I know for sure these are the problems, because I have had this exact same situation and feelings before. I did start to fix it too, but she didn't change. Now we are divorced.

But who the fuck is going to listen to some drug user off the internet??? lmao... Maybe you will because there are not many people who have the same problems, our group is unique. A marriage counselor isn't going to have any idea wtf your real problems are... Eh, take it or leave it. I urge you to try.

 

thanks cod.

i will try to spend more time off the computer and with her. and she does give me some alone time, but def more needy than i am. i enjoyed living alone, but i enjoy having her with me too.

i've thought about giving her reading material, smitty, but she was never open to it. much like she has to let me "get over" psychedelics myself, i will have to let her learn about them herself, if she so chooses. her asking to read PiHKAL was a thrilling start. and with that, maybe we can try to get back on topic (aka let the thread die b/c no one was really talking about the books)
if anyone has anymore helpful advice, feel free to pm
thanks

 

man, i stop checking the forums for a few weeks and when i come back i find out about a new Shulgin book?! how awesome!!

i still have to get my actual copies of pihkal and tihkal though, and finish a other books i have. i must get to reading!!

 

Shut your fucking face, you retarded piece of shit.

There is a whole other forum for people like you; http://www.indegayforum.org/

His friends aren't on that forum douche clown, there here.

 

Yeah, its pretty rad huh?! I know I'm super stoked!

 

^^ for sure