How has your year been/new year resolutions

.... how are you?

Are you happy, are you well? We are now almost at thee half way stage of 2010, being the 147nd day (218 left) and so far it has been abit of a let down for me, after spending the first half of the year looking forward to some sexy, sexy sunshine, instead... I have been greeted by a summer wetter than a geeky girls flapper, and with no indication of it getting any better I am already looking foward to getting yet another tired old year out the way. With no holiday to look forward to due to being skint and no lovely young ladie to play with my willy to make up for it, I fear this may be a trend that will forever continue until the time I am well past the age when having my willy played with will not be followed by the discomfort of having a medical tube rammed up my japs eye while 5 spotty young gits in white coats struggle to hold me down in my retirment home bed.

Not that I have too much to complain about, I am in relativly good health and have not smoked a cigarette for the past 572 days. I am happy in my job and apart from the occasional accidents that can be credited to no one but myself (wanking in the bog, sexually harrasing death girls etc.) it looks like I have finally grown up and am now on the straight and narrow path into adult hood and all the trappings that come with it (Golf, Old jumpers, normal straight legged jeans, loafers, generic haircuts, the theatre, novelty boxers, pulling down my trousers to wee, doing my first "big shop" at sainsbury, not being scared to tell of groups of chavs in the street for spitting, backing in lorry drivers, owning a car sticker bought from Hemsby, being happy about being called up for jury service, having ear hair, using the corner of a door to scratch my back) and many more things that I have to look forward to once I have found that ever so special someone.

Those of you who had made new years resolutions... have you kept to them.... are you staying strong, or have you given up once again and discarded your hopes and targets because they were just too hard or because you found something more interesting on the telly. I made two very important resolutions at the start of the year that I hoped would increase the joy I could squeeze out of life, unfortunatly I have not kept to either of them so shame on me.

The main resolution was to spend more time appreciating my bumhole during masturbation, in the past this region of my body has always been a no go zone... not because I'm a prude but just because for me arsehole ticklery has always been something of a holygrail, the perverts paradise of which I have no place to be.

This is because ever since I was young I have always had an affliction of having any contact with my out holes due to having fallen arse first onto my bike pedals in my back garden when I was 10 and ripping a 7 inch gash in my poo shaft, I'll spare you the details but it involved alot of blood and a manic rush to the hospital fearing I may never shit right again.

It turned out all was fine and I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that... yes I was pooing like a fountain in no time but unfortunatly it also left me very, very tight arsed (literally) imagine every time you had a chunky poo stored you had to hope and pray that it disovled into mush by the time it came to pass it down the pan, it's fucking agony for me I tell ya...

All you smug faced cunts who can look forward to a good old crap with todays newspaper tucked under your arm as you whistle off up the stairs should spare a thought for me, who through no fault of my own... apart from lack of stability, when passing a normal sized turd feels like they are giving birth to a pint sized Mike Tyson.

But... as with most things I knew that sooner or later temptation would give in and yes I did give it ago but to be completely honest... it did nothing for me. I had kinda Psyched myself up for it and trudge off to the shower with all the enthusiasm of a weak child being forced into a peadophiles backseat. I took my time and enjoyed my final fleeting moments of wanking normality building up a steady rhythm with images of past crushes and carefully selected fantasies building in my mind and then I slowly wrapped my arm around to my buttocks and poised my finger at the entrace to my rear... a silent and still intruder, much like the trojan horse at the gates of troy... and then in it went, it was far easier than I had imagined much like pushing a snooker cue through a hula-hoop... but I felt nothing (what am I supposed to feel?)

I gave it a few coy wiggles but still I was unfulfilled, I expected waves of kinky pleasure to rush over me like a thousand sneezes all at once but instead it just felt like I was being buggered by a small boy (now surely that thought alone should have been enough to urge my body into waves of wrong types of pleasure) but it didn't, all I ended up with was the abilty to look even more pitiful than a fully grown man wanking in the shower by being a fully grown man soaped up to the bollocks with one hand on his genitals and the other reached around himself with one finger stuck up his bottom, all carried off with a confused expression much like a man awakening to find his dog licking his left over baby gravy - (Fantasy number 4)

What was I doing wrong, was the mood not right had I not used enough fingers... It could be the biggest disapointment of my life apart from when "Cool Runnings" came out and I missed the last copy at BlockBuster to some chubby little fat kid in a celtic shirt who pushed past me to get it. (If that was you... Haha gutted it was a fucking shit film anyway and I got "Hocus Pocus" instead which was the fucking tits, so fuck you. Omri Katz is 10 times cooler than a buch of Jamaicans sliding down a hill in a hollowed out dildo anyday, you only have to watch 1 epsiode of Eerie Indiana to see that.)