Im really very confused right now and just want some opinions. Sorry for the long rambling post. Scroll to the bottom 2 paragraphs for the main issues plaguing me. I have Aspergers and can't summerise! I have never been in a real life relationship because of my circumstances, and those circumstances haven't changed much really. So I have had to make do with some online relationships. There is no opportunity for me to 'get out and meet people'. However, one guy actually wanted to meet me (he lives in Germany, I in the UK). So I took a holiday over there, and despite a shakey start from comments he said, before the trip, it was perfect - he was the perfect gentleman, and it really helped me settle a few trust issues. It was only at the very end, just before I was due to leave, he suddenly, came over to me as I was on the sofa about to get up, flung his arms around me and lay me down, lay on top of me, and kissed me on the lips.... it was my first kiss, at the age of 34, and it was over in the blink of an eye. There was a second or two later, and a fumbled struggle as he got off me, and I sat up. I wish he hadn't got off me. Lol. Then in December, a month later from the visit, I was facing surgery and fell apart, he wasn't there for me at all - completely stopped talking to me. After the surgery was postponed, that very night he came back, but on msn, he stopped connecting via cam or voice, and when he did connect via voice, a lot of the time he was also msn-ing other people and completely ignoring me, and it hurt and confused me so badly. Since then, I have found the conversation hard work when he was talking to me, as I have been so ill and spent a large amount of time in bed, with no visitors, so have nothing exciting to talk about. But when we did have good days, I felt a 'love' for him even deeper. And a desperation like I've never known to just be there with him. When he had a serious back injury, that for a few weeks, and was in hospital with questions over whether he would walk again - it didn't matter to me. I still wanted to be with him and be there for him. Thankfully he recovered. He told me to leave him then, but I said no and supported him as best I could. It honestly wouldn't have mattered to me if he'd been bedbound for the rest of his life. I feel I am in love with him unconditionally. Then a couple months back, I got more and more frustrated about being ignored on MSN, while he typed for 40mins or longer to someone else, so I asked him outright if there was someone else, and if I was any more to him other than a good friend. He told me that there wasn't anyone else, and I am more to him than just a good friend, but that he is lonely and doesn't feel loved. He misses the physicality, and he wants a family (I am infertile), and he will be looking out for another girl., but I am always special to him, and he feels for me, but the distance and the fact that I can't have kids, is an issue. Then he added 'girls and boys love differently'. It simply crushed me. And at that moment and for ages afterwards, even though I was glad he told me truthfully, and because of the distance, I always knew in my head, we have no future...I was soooo very grateful I hadn't slept with him in Germany. Even if at the time, I would have gone with it if he'd made a move. The problem is I still feel so deeply for him. I think about him nearly all the time, and in my fantasies, which until I met him face to face, were largely romanticised, and involved faceless lovers. Now, they are with his face, his smell, his weight. My body is turned on all the time, catching me unaware, and sometimes I feel like crying with desperation of pent up sexual desire. If anybody touches my hand on the palm, accidentally, where he touched me in Germany, I get tingles in my lower belly, breathless, and get goosebumps and end up pulling away quickly from whoever did it. It's over whelming.This lust is driving me crazy. It's waking me up breathless and trembling with lust. And it's been going on for months, even through the bad times. I always thought I would experience being loved and wanted, and being in a relationship, before sleeping with someone. I lived in fear having seen how desperately horrible friends have felt after one night stands, of being a one hit wonder, just because some guy wants a notch on his "I've had a virgin" bedpost. And in my head, all my life, sex was always going to be when I was someone's girlfriend. He used to tell me he loved me. I used to feel loved by him. He used to send me kisses, and talk affectionately. He is the first guy that carried that on after seeing me, but with more passion, after meeting me. But all that has stopped now, because he said he is 'trying to fall out of love' with me. And I know if I saw him again, I wouldn't trust myself not to sleep with him... in fact I'm so desperate I would probably initiate it myself. And then live with regret, because we have no future. My body is so screamingly ready now, and desperate to have sex, but my head is saying no, to wait until someone actually really loves me and who I can first experience all the things normal couples do - like at least a second face to face date, before getting intimate. Lol. My heart tells a whole other story and it's all just tearing me apart. Even more so because after a fight one day, over him seeing my naked body on picture, I just did it. Took a picture with all my body flaws visible and sent it. He spoke with me as soon as he got it, and said all the right things, and still makes sexual references about me on occassion, and makes positive comments about my body. His acceptance of my flaws, makes it even harder than if he'd been repelled by my disfigurements though. Another part of me is worried. I am submissive by nature. He keeps having these explicit dreams about me being dominant over him, and forcing him almost to do things, to make me cum. Like forcing him to lick me, and pulling his hair or scratching him so hard, and making his face hurt, and yelling at him.... I'm just not like that, and never could be. He always came over as strong, and I do need a strong man in my life - his dreams on me being dominant in sex, just worries me. I find submission in men confusing and it is actually a turn off. However 5 different men in the past have all said they see me as being a sexual dominant, particularly where being licked is concerned. It scares me. And it also scares me because I am a natural girl, don't want to shave, and don't care to be licked because I would hate to think the guy would find it revolting with the hair in the mouth thing. So I would simply not get involved in him doing that to me. I just don't know what to do. Go to Germany after surgery in a few months time, all being well - and sleep with him, and live with the very deep regret when he repeats his MSN ignoring me thing, or tells me he has found another girl? Or never go to Germany again, and somehow - try and find a way out of this love and lust thing for him....if indeed, there is a way. Would sex with him be such a bad thing??? He is at least special to me, and I know he'd be so careful and go at my pace. I'm just so mixed up between my head and my body desires.
If you were to go back to Germany, you know it would be for sex. He isn't worth your heart, imo. Just have fun, if you can do only that and live with it. He sounds like he'd have no problem with that. But is he clean? You wouldn't want to get VD from some guy on your first time. Why not get out when you can and meet someone. Fall in love, and make it special with him. That sounds more like what you really want. Love at first sight is wonderful, but the guy should be in love with you as well. Not busy messing with your head.
Ha he's right. Don't ever go make yourself an object for someone. You'll find someone who loves u for who u are and can always make time for u. This guys not worth it. And for what its worth, stay natural down there if that's what u like lol. Its your body, and that's another thing a guy will accept if he loves u. That kind of stuff can be worked out later anyway. The point is don't bend over backwards and don't transform yourself for someone else. There's plenty of people out there willing to take u for u
