What do you say when

Straight up is the way I go, "(insert friends name here), I'm sorry to say it but your mom is right."

She'll hate you for awhile but it may shake her up so much that she'll pity herself, but then lose some weight. And then she'll forgive you later and thank you for being such a good honest friend.

 

Just be glad she didn't try and eat you.

 

is she cute?..I really need some and wouldn't care if she's a tubby

 

oh come on, some boundaries are necessary
being honest doesnt necessarily equate to being a fool and not all limitations are evil
if a friend were to ask me that, id say none of your fucking business...which is indeed an honest response

 

Blunt honesty to a person who is over weight is not only nonproductive, it is hurtful. There is no one who is over weight who is not aware of it. It is cruel to say so.

A mother is a mother and why they might say that is totally different than a friend saying it.

I have an issue with gaining weight now, I have a friend who can not control their weight. For me to even say anything other than she is doing great when she is trying to diet is nasty. We had a mutual friend who talked on and on one evening about how she has never had to watch her weight. It was horrible.

When I entertain I plan a menu with this person in mind. I encourage by deed not by words. If and when she stops (she diets in cycles) I never would say a word to her about it, I don't have to as she already feels badly enough.

This is not a question like do you like the colour of my nail polish, is my skirt a little short. This is a question that is very difficult to solve and stating the obvious is nonproductive.

The guise of honesty is always the best policy can be over rated if you are on the receiving end of it. It tends to only make the person saying it feel better.

 

This is true I might be doing more damage then good.
She's probably aware of it and just needed a boost.

 

Anyone with a weight problem already knows it as the whole world is more than happy to point it out to them.

Instead be supportive, that does not mean you have to discuss their weight or what they eat or do. They already hear that enough.

 

its only hurtful if the person asking cant handle what the other one has to say...in which case they shouldnt even ask in the first place if theyre not ready to hear the truth. someone so delicate is probably just looking for someone to sugarcoat the truth...and in what way is that productive? its really the persons response upon hearing the truth that determines the productivity of blunt honesty when it comes to weight

some people need that rough answer to give their asses a wake up call

to say that no one who is overweight isnt aware of it is a bit of an overstatement. i know several people who are considerably overweight but appear to have distorted self perceptions. body dysmorphia can work both ways

the question itself is actually really simple. either a person is a healthy weight for the height, age, body type..or theyre not. it doesnt get anymore simple than that. you know when someone asks you "am i fat/overweight" and you first answer the question to yourself before coming up with something to say outloud? that moment when you answer it for yourself before speaking....that represents how easy of a question it can be. if there is a weight problem, the difficulty is in coming up with the right plan to lose weight...thats a problem to be solved..not the question itself

one shouldnt pursue or pretend to pursue honesty if theyre not ready for it (like asking a "friend" if theyre overweight). if thats the case, then i completely agree that a real answer is likely going to have adverse effects for the person on the receiving end. some people want to be lied to...its kind of selfish to expect someone to hold their tongue for your sake though...especially if youre the one asking for their opinion


to the OP - you know your friend more than anyone here. i would just try to really take a step back and asses the situation based on what you know of her. try to strike a balance between coming across nicely without being too mean (for lack of a better word) if you think she is the type to fall to pieces

 

Dilemmaa!

 

I do not justify with friends if it is only hurtful if they can't handle it, I base friendship on trusting one another not to be hurtful. There are many rhetorical questions in friendship and in most cases simply letting it go is more of an answer without having to make an issue of the things that a friend already knows.

I would sure tell a friend if her lipstick is all over her teeth but I am not going to tell her she needs braces. I would tell a friend that her stockings have a run but not that her legs are better suited to pants.

If you are speaking of someone who does not think they are over weight (perhaps could lose 10 or so pounds) and they are content with how they look then that should be enough. If they wish to put on a slinky dress and have a little tummy and are happy, more power to them. They do not have to meet yours, mine or anyone else's image of body. Simply live in their own. That is in part the whole issue with weight is that unless it is to the point of being a health issue, it is do they conform with what we think they should look like. In todays society we worship lean and criticize what we deem to be not. The mirror that we hold up is the image we wish to see, if the person looking in the actual mirror is content and healthy then it should be a non issue.

This world is not one size fits all.

Who am I or you to judge someone needing to lose 10 pounds and that does not necessarily even have any bearing on activity level or general health. It is an image for others.

The self questioning before I would say something that might possibly hurt anyone I care about is not if I consider them overweight, it is if I consider them fair game for my own prejudice regarding image.

Anyone who I have met in real time that has issues with the way other people look all the time, it is most often that they have issues with themselves. They don't want to be labeled as overweight and project that onto others.

If someone is active, eats a balanced diet and is slightly over weight it is their business.

Amazingly, with my friends, very few have to ask image questions. Those are not ones I am generally going to answer unless I can help as otherwise it is simply not helpful.

As a society too much emphasis is put on weight and not enough on health. That goes for the person who may need to lose as well as gain.

 

i think its just as important to be real with people. there are enough wishy washy people in this world, i trust my friends in their ability to give it to me straight. if they wont level with me when i need someone to, then who will? we always have choice in how we choose to say the tough things that need to be said, there are certain ways to frame things in effort to cause the least amount of distress to the other person

if someone is pleased with themselves, then sure...its all good. but if they deliberately ask for my opinion, thats what should be given. its up to them to decide what to do about it (if anything). i wouldnt right off the bat try to overlook what they said or go around it if it wasnt absolutely necessary, i think people deserve more than that. i dont think its right to start calling people out, but if the situation comes up...and your friend clearly asks you out of trust, the least you can do is be real

and of course we all know about the issues surrounding society and body image. im simply talking about it things on a relationship-based level between presumably good friends

 

We both agree about societal and I think, image.

We both agree about health, as in if it us not a health issue.

I think we approach differently.

If I was shopping with a friend who I thought had legs like a tree trunk and she wants to buy an outfit, I am going to browse the tailored pants suits not the dress racks. If she then tries on a suit and a dress and chooses to buy the dress, I am going to tell her I like the colour and the fit and nothing else.

That is honest as she obviously feels she looks great in that dress. That is what matters.

 

cool

but thats just pussyfooting around the what you consider to be an issue (her legs). its a big enough issue that youre willing to change your own behavior, and steer her in another direction. you might as well come out and say what you think even though she didnt ask, i dont see how what you would be doing is any better. might as well be playing mind games

 

No a mind game would be me imposing what I think on her.

 

indirectly, you are...or, at the very least, trying to. by directing her towards apparel that you think is best suited for her, instead of what you think doesnt suit her, you are imposing what you think on her. youre just doing it without her knowledge...thats even worse

 

Instead of respecting her choice in that situation, next time you would propose that I tell her that her legs look like crap.

I don't think so. That is not her image of herself in that dress. As it should be. Her body, dress and legs.

She is comfortable in it, she is wearing it.

 

no, my issue here isnt with your choice in complimenting the things you like and remaining passive on the negative, its with the attempt to steer towards what you think she looks best in. youre trying to have it both ways - trying to encourage her to buy what you want, without you having to open your mouth about it. either say what you really think, or let her shop wherever she wants without trying to distance her from the dress section. if its truly her choice (and you dont want to tell her about her legs), then dont try to impose what you think by directing her elsewhere in the beginning

 

It is not my place to tell her. I did not impose in that situation, I did not even suggest. That is the difference.

She does not need me to tell her that. If is an issue for her then she either has a comfort level to wear a dress she likes or she does not feel her legs are not alright.

Either way she is comfortable. I am not. Saying anything would be trying to have her conform to what I think she should look like.

That is not friendship.