OKay, which one of you asshole's is Mike?

ChronicTom · Jun 9, 2010

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Original ad:
LARGE CRIB WANTED
I need a large(tall) crib for my 9 month old. The crib I have right now is too small - he keeps climbing out! I need a crib that is too high for my baby to get out of it. Please respond with pictures. Contact Julia @ ********@verizon.net

From Me to ********@verizon.net:

Hey Julia,

I may have the perfect crib for you. It is a very large crib that has some features to prevent your baby from escaping. Please let me know if you are interested.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

How big is it? Do you have any pictures of it?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

It is very large. As I said, it has modifications to prevent escape. The entire top perimeter of the crib has been reinforced with a metal frame that is connected to a car battery. When someone tries to escape the crib, they will be given a gentile electric shock, which will discourage them from attempting to climb out of the crib again. The price includes a 12 volt car battery, but a higher-voltage battery can always be purchased, depending on how fat your child is. Here is a picture of the setup:

I am currently using the crib for one of my friends who happens to be a midget. He tends to frequently get drunk and violent, so we put him in this crib when he starts getting belligerent. The battery works great for keeping him in, so I am assuming it will work great for your child. The only reason I am getting rid of it is because the midget was recently arrested for arson, so he won't be around for a while.

I have something else that you may be interested in as well. Are you tired of waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your baby crying? With this clever device, you won't even have to get out of bed to calm your baby.

It is a little mobile that I invented called "The Lullibinator." Simply hang it above the crib, and the microphone will detect when the baby is crying. If the crying reaches a certain decibel level, the box will spray a calming mist of pepper spray into the crib. It trains your baby not to cry in no time! It worked great on the midget when he started yelling. It comes with 2% CS pepper spray, which is practically harmless. It can be upgraded to bear mace if your child continues to cry. I have decorated the Lullibinator with friendly smiley faces to comfort your baby.

I am asking $50 for the Lullibinator, and $250 for the crib/battery combo. Let me know if you want to set up a time to stop by and check this stuff out.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

Oh my god

From Julia ******** to Me:

Please tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, right?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

Why would I be kidding? I thought $250 was more than reasonable. I got a lot of use out of these things before social services took my kid away. I still do whenever the midget comes over.

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

I...don't know what to say to you. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. How dare you ever think that I would use this for my child. Don't you ever e-mail me again, you scumbag.

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

I've been called some harsh things for my haggling tactics, but you seem to have been very offended by the price I have offered. I am sorry; I had no intention of offending you. I will drop the total price to $200 for everything, and I'll even throw this in for free:

Now you won't have to get up to give your baby a bottle when he is thirsty. This handy crib-bottle will allow your baby to quench his thirst any time he wants. It doesn't have to necessarily be filled with tequila (like I said, this crib was set up for a midget). It can easily be filled with Gatorade, breast milk, or whatever else your baby prefers. Throw in a can of food and the baby can practically live on his own!

Please let me know when you are going to pick this stuff up. I am going to Atlantic City for the weekend, so I need you to get it before I leave.

Thanks,

Mike
Click to expand...

yellowcab · Jun 9, 2010

Well that will certainly make parenting easier, I especially like the crib.

psychedelicg1rl · Jun 9, 2010

lol crazy

spirits... · Jun 9, 2010

haha awesome crib

Boogabaah · Jun 9, 2010

just..

hippieatheart · Jun 9, 2010

Hahahahah!

neuroptican · Jun 9, 2010

Haha that website is pretty hilarious.

SweetBlasphemy · Jun 9, 2010

Hahahaha... this is a prime example why it's a terrible idea for me to have children.

TiedyeDreams · Jun 9, 2010

that seriously made my day. lmao

Death · Jun 9, 2010

That's how I was raised when I was a baby

scratcho · Jun 9, 2010

Spikes around the crib top might be cheaper.Those would cut back on the battery charging,which costs money.I can see an advantage in placing a metal plate with a spring under the bedding in case you're in a hurry---just press a button(remote would be handy) and precious baby will be flung 15 to 20 feet towards the door and out you both go without wasting time for diaper changing,eating,ect.( One might need to practice this a few times to ascertain where baby is likely to land.And hide the remote from other children--there have been incidents). Placement of the liquor bottle may slow down your own consumption,so it would behoove one to leave it where one can peruse it handily. Just fill a standard baby bottle with liquor of your baby's choice. It'll sleep like a---well--you know.

daisymae · Jun 9, 2010

The mother is an idiot and deserves to be screwed with...babies normally get out of their cribs at that age, it's called a big-boy bed...get one.

deleted · Jun 9, 2010

DC current wouldnt even move, its not wired right.. It has to pass to ground.. there is no ground the baby can touch that shit all day and lol.. ..

Death · Jun 9, 2010

all it would do is short out the battery

deleted · Jun 9, 2010

yeah that too..

ruski · Jun 9, 2010

i was just looking at a similar style website the other day. this guy is hilarious!
http://www.27bslash6.com/

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OKay, which one of you asshole's is Mike?

ChronicTom Banned

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neuroptican ...hadouken!

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OKay, which one of you asshole's is Mike?

ChronicTom Banned

yellowcab Fresh baked

psychedelicg1rl Member

spirits... Member

Boogabaah I am not here

hippieatheart vagina boob

neuroptican ...hadouken!

SweetBlasphemy Senior Member

TiedyeDreams Member

Death Grim Reaper Lifetime Supporter

scratcho Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

daisymae Senior Member

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