I can't take it anymore.

I can't take it anymore. I give up. I have to start my trans process. The only thing is I don't know how. I am a college student majoring in engineering. I come from an extremely conservative family. They would kill me and my mom would litterly have a heart attack if she found out. I think the best thing for me to do is perhaps lower my testosterone levels(if I can), and secretively live a a female while away at college. I don't know what to do. They thing is, I can't let my parents know. Are there any natural ways for a guy to lower his testosterone levels? Is there anyways that I can slowely do this and wait until the time where my parents are out of my life? I am just getting tired of it. I feel like I am getting too old to have a proper trans process too. I am 21...

 

I also have a lot of dreams that I am a girl. Does that mean anything?

 

You're absolutely not too old. But when it comes to hormones, get thee to a doctor and do it right. Body chemistry isn't a good thing to play with on your own.

As for parents. Get thee to a trans-friendly councillor. Not only will it help with dealing with your internal conflicts, they can give you the tools to deal with a potentially unsupportive family. Your college should have something available.

Best of luck with your transition.

 

I feel lost though. Like I don't think I am ready for councilor just yet. I need to keep this confidential at the moment. Any advise on how to start? I want to work on my voice, but have a lack of instruction and tools. Taking it slow I think is better for me. I need help.

 

Don't do it alone!
I'm here today because I had a therapist. I have a female body because I have had HRT for 4 years under medical supervision.
HRT has to be monitored because if done wrong can lead to serious health issues. The Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders state that you have to be under mental health care as well as medical for good reason.
Society throws a lot of crap at you when you change gender. It sounds like your family will give you even more. You are going to need a therapist. Please don't attempt HRT on your own. If you want to give yourself a start you can use herbals that block testosterone & give phytoestrogens. They will get things going but aren't going to significantly change your endocrine system so you will be safe.

 

Thanks. I don't think I can see a therapist just yet. I think the only thing for me at this point is to work on my voice and iduno...herbals or something like you said. Maybe when I transfer to my college in the fall there might be a LGBT center around that will have counselors. Yes my parents will give me a bunch of crap. So they can "never" know. If I don't get the opportunity to trans-gender...so be it. I will live, I guess, but will be much happier as a female... :/ Is there any tools or readings I can read that will help with basic stuff such as voice ect...?

 

A lot of my friends go through the speech therapy department at the University here. I have done well self training but my voice wasn't that deep anyhow. I sang songs by women that had lower range like Janis Joplin, Stevie Nicks, Joan Baez, & Bette Midler every chance I got. That's not the most scientific method but I also focused on letting my voice be breathier & at first intentionally held it about two octaves higher than I had before when I spoke. Like any other muscle group my larynx is now toned & I don't have to think about it.
I do have to say though... Your parents are eventually going to find out. Either that or you are going to end up having to hide yourself to them. I've been there, it was hard on me. You have an advantage in figuring this out much younger than I did. In spite of what I said earlier society has changed in regard to this too. There is still improvement to be made but it's much better.
Have a look at these sites. They both are chock full of information
http://www.tgnow.com/
http://www.susans.org/
That should get you started.

 

Make sure this is true. I've seen friends hit the 30 mark and get to the suicidal point before giving in to therapy. No need to wait to see if you get to that edge or not.

What's makes you think you shouldn't see a therapist yet? I know there is something scary about therapy. I was nervous as all hell, despite my rational side knowing that it was the best thing to do.

 

haha You are scaring me. >_< I was told that by someone before. I just don't want to see anyone yet because I still live at home and my parents will find out. I think the best solution for me is to hit the LBGT center when I transfer to my college in the fall. I hear they have a strong center and the college is really big. I hope there will be someone that I can talk to. And that you for those links, snowdancer!
Side question. I have dreams every now and then that I am a girl. Like I have woken up half asleep and felt like I was in a girls body...ummm is that kinda normal? Like it comes and goes. Sometimes the feeling is rewally strong where I get all dtressed out about it. Other times, I am fine. 0.o

 

I have very conservative parents as well which is why I waited until I was 26 to transition. So far I've gotten by without them noticing though. You'd be surprised at the level of denial parents can have. I pass well enough to have friends that have no clue that I'm trans, yet when I visit my parents my mom still doesn't notice a difference. If your parents are anything like mine you shouldn't have too much problems keeping it a secret.

As for making yourself less male looking without looking like a female I'm afraid there's not much that can be done. It's very unhealthy to suppress testosterone without replacing it with estrogen. Hormones regulate bone growth so if you don't want osteoporosis it's either one or the other (male or female).

 

I totally agree. My endocrinologist told me when I wouldn't take testosterone because of all the ugly side effects that I had to take either estrogen or testosterone. So I changed to taking estrogen and became the girl I'd always dreamt of being.

My brothers and sisters would simply not accept the way I was. My younger sister told me to wait until after my mother died. I said that might never happen. She insisted that it would break her hear or cause her to have a heart attack. I was already in my fifties at that time. I continued on with my transition and decided that I wasn't going to put my life on hold for anyone.

Last April my wife and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary and my mother came out to help us celebrate. She always has commented on the length of my hair and offered to pay for my haircut, but last year I informed her that I felt the need to live my own life. This year while she was visiting I had a chance to sit with her alone and explain that I really never was a man and I was very careful to explain that this was not her fault. I believe that part of the reason why parents are not willing to accept the transition of a child is that they feel somewhat part of the problem and that is why they fight back.

One of the reasons why I feel so strongly about seeing a therapist is that I found with my own feelings that I felt so out of place. When I discussed this with my general practitioner he send me to a psychiatrist who helped me to understand why I felt the way that I did. He made me feel good about where I was at. And he helped me find my direction. It is important for anyone just starting out to work with a professional.

Erin