Am i trying too hard?

Hey guys,

As my previous post mentioned , I live in the middle east where any substance use carries the harshest of penalties (worse then even having killed a man while driving drunk)
I was always skeptical of my faith since i was 12 and am always questioning and reasoning it out to myself.. had my first spliff of mary jane when i was 19 and while it was great it wasnt something tht i would crave for on a regular basis.

when i turned 24 (last yr) an acquaintance started talking to me bout one of his LSD trips while at a festival in Hungary , since that day till date on occasion id always look up more info on the drug , trip reports etc.
I obviously couldnt find LSD in my area and after constant research i knew i was ready for it and wanted the experience tht soo many talk of.

A couple of months later a business trip for 4 days to bombay comes up and i figure itd be good to look for some while im there. On the 3rd day , a friend of a friend of a friend whos a Dj was hospitable enough to get me some Shiva's and let me trip in his home.
It was exactly what i had expected it to be and more. He set up a playlist for me , dimmed the lights , while me and another friend jus let our minds run wild. However it wasnt the spiritual setting where i could just close my eyes and be within myself.
I wanted to take some of the blotter back with me cus i was absolutely sure i wouldnt run into any issues at customs, friend of mine jus snatched em away for me nd said he'd hold onto em till my next visit there.

2 months later , on a whim .. i decide to travel to the Himalayas to a small mountain town called Manali and have the experience i wanted. I did , found myself some pure hoffman in liquid form (or atleast thts wht he said it was) stayed at a secluded cottage home managed by the holiday inn with an Amazing view and for the first hour of my trip i was just glad tht i managed to have it the way i wanted it, the rest of the 12 is more apt for a trip report, It was great though.
I couldnt bring any back with me since it was only available in liquid form.

2 days after i get back home , i find out a close friend is in bombay for a wedding, i call up the guy who had my blotter to drop it off to my friends hotel room, where he received it , stuck it on a birthday card and priority fedexd it to me. It was like music to my ears when the doorbell rang with the courier. There were only 2 hits in there so i call up a very close friend of mine who wanted to try it as well .. set up my dining room with Led's , started up my ps3 playlist with all the music i loved and had the visuals looping on my Tv and it turned out to be the best trip i ever had since it was less mental contemplation and jus more of a chilled out night with a buddy of mine.

Less then a month later i decide i wanna have some more and this time for sure id bring it back. A business associate was willing to comp. my trip to Goa.
As we got there i didnt waste any time and just hit the streets , marketplaces , beach shacks looking for some1 who could hook me up. I bought 3 sugar cubes , bottle of eye drops and flimsy lookin blotter, I was told that in goa tourists get scammed alot so i spread my bets with the different ppl who said theyd sell me some. Unfortunately , Allll of it was a waste , nothing worked and i was absolutely crushed by this.. not cus i didnt get any Acid but bcus i was willing to go to such lengths to get it. I think its cus i grew up in a society that shuns such substances soo heavily and i wanna have the privilege of being some1 who could indulge in such things whenever i wanted and in my own privacy.

Now im back home , again frustrated that i just dont have any on me to do whenever i please , not cus im some sorta junkie who wants it all the time, i jus want the freedom to be able to have a hit on occasion nd enjoy it.

My apologies , iv tried to keep this post as short and sweet as possible by not mentioning finer details , but yeah i guess it better explains what im tryna ask.

Iv kinda lost faith in "Lucy finding you" , iv always believed tht if u want something u have to go out nd get it , no1's gonna drop it on my lap. Should i be looking for it this much? i know im not addicted or nething like that..or should i just drop the idea of being able to jus store some for myself nd indulge in it whenever the opportunity presents itself? it rlly frustrates me sometimes tht it has to take me soo much effort to get some.

I think i might just let fate take its course nd whenever its around me ill have it , im finding it really hard to come to terms with that however.

Thanks for reading

 

Well, two questions:

Is your search having a negative impact on your life?

Have your experience been benificial/positive to you?

 

PS.

Sounds AMAZING!

BTW liquid would have been perfect to bring back as you could have put it on any medium you wanted. Let it dry etc.

 

I wouldnt say its having a majorly negative impact in my life .. i just dont like not having access to it .. and having to go through sooo much to get my hands on it ..

The trips have been extremely positive for me .. i think thts why im infatuated with it so much