Came out to my best friend...and it sucked!

My best friend is my roomate.

We used to spend hours upon hours just hanging out together. We were inseparable. He thought of me as a brother, essentially.

Unfortunately, I thought of him as a surrogate boyfriend.

He started liking a girl and was hiding it from me. So I snooped around his stuff and found out who he's flirting with. He caught me snooping and we had a big row about it. I was getting more and more jealous and territorial over him and he didn't really understand why I was acting that way.

He expressed concern about my weird behavior. He said I should seek help because I seemed disturbed. This prompted me to come out to him a few days later via AOL Messenger.

We had a big conversation about it on AIM and he pretty much says he feels betrayed. He also thought it was shady/creepy of me because he thinks I hid the fact that I was gay from him to "gain an advantage" such as seeing him scantily clad, etc.

I guess my timing was bad. He was studying for two big tests and so he has plenty of things to worry about, let alone having to deal with the bomb I just dropped on him.

I've told my friends and they said to give him space. So I've been trying to avoid him at all costs to not have to see him face to face, which is hard because we are room mates. It's been five days and he still hasn't talked to me since our initial conversation.

I really want him back as a friend, but the more days that pass, the more I feel like I should accept that I've lost my best friend.

Any advice on the issue would be appreciated. I've pretty much tried to just not think about him the past few days but it's hard. When you spend 15 hours a day hanging out with a friend, and all of a sudden its yanked away, it's a hard adjustment.

Your advice and replies will be greatly appreciated. If you need me to reciprocate, let me know.

 

Years ago I came out to a best friend. I had no sexual attaction to him but I loved his company and our time together...we were not room mates nor ever had been. I knew he was somewhat homophobic in jokes but thought/hoped our friendship would outweigh that. As is currently said, Epic Fail. He was at my home when I told him. His response was first disbelief then denial that quickly turned to anger. He left almost immediately and I have never seen or heard from him since save for the damage he did by telling/poisoning a number of mutual friendships. I was young and dumb, had just started coming out to others and had hoped it would be something shared and appreciated between us. I had not accounted for his narscissim and emotional limitations. Because I allowed lingering hope that he would rethink his feelings, I suffered for months until the hurt finally began to ebb.

I hope your situation is different. Be ready to simply let it go if thats the way it turns out. Cherishyour good fortune if he comes around. Others will perhaps have better outcomes to report to you. All you can do is be protective of yourself and value yourself if it does not turn out well. As a final thought I consider that episode in life to have been an important lesson in my ability to judge people and to respect myself. I have honed my skills and intuition greatly since then. Good luck to you however it turns out.

 

why was he hiding liking a girl?

 

Dude,

You have made all the wrong steps in the book.

You snooped around his stuff!!!
You dropped the bomb at the worst possible time.
You freaked out when you realized that he was about to have an affair with a girl.

Frankly, if your best friend did NOT freak out on you, he'd be a new Jesus Christ or someone to that effect.

Give him time to sort out his urgent issues. Man up, look him in the eye and apologize sincerely for all the mess you have created and ask him to forgive you.

Make sure that you move on ASAP. Do not stand in the way of his dating, and find someone else to date yourself. Both you and he have got one life to live, so there is no need for you to waste your and his time here.

KD

 

yeah i completely agree with KewlDude.
you should apologize for snoopin and freaking him out. be humble and courteous of his own business from now on or at least til you guys are like you guys used to be.

 

Yeah, you really can't do that. I don't care how open-minded we straight guys are, it's really uncomfortable to have Gay friends try to cross that line.

I hope you can repair the platonic friendship. He sounds like a decent guy, and with any luck, you'll soon find someone else for your not-so-platonic intentions!

 

Nope! I had pretty much a similar loss of a former best friend.

No big loss at the time. We were hi school best friends and both quite str8 and this was when I was in the counter culture years later.

His family was Sicilian Catholic, mine Southern Baptist (both displaced in St. Louis County). We joked about the pope and other religious silliness and had common cynical interests. I accompanied him to see his G/F (that's how it was done with best friends in those innocent times). We even shared a bed in one of those weekend sleepovers.

Years later when I opened up to my love of men I wrote him (yes, pen and paper letter) explaining my new revelations of sexuality and that I realized that I had deeper feelings for him as a best friend than I realized at the time. (he was an Adonis actually)

Oops, my candor probably scared the shit out of him. Possibly not just by expressing my teen feelings for him but maybe making him reflect on his for me. Who knows the reason, but I've never heard from him since.

 

I was wondering why these posts seemed so serious. Then I cleaned my glasses and realized the header read: Came out to my best friend...and it sucked!
Not...Came out to my best friend...and WE sucked.

Sorry for my confusion.

Zen

 

By all means, tell him you're sorry. Sorry for concealing that you're gay. Sorry for snooping. Sorry for secretly being desirous of him. Sorry for being jealous.

It's doubtful that things will ever be the same with you two again. How could they? Neither of you are the 'same' as you were before.

You may not be best friends again, but for the sake of your karma admit your mistake, apologize and then just be as normal as you can be, talkatively, socially. If he can't return to friendly behavior at least you'll know you tried to make amends and can move on without guilt.

 

Coming out to your best str8 friend is always a risky affair.

Str8 guys are guys, too. They usually have a problem with a best gay friend on several levels:

A) Are you after him? You want to jump his bones and he has to go on defensive.
B) You are NOT after him. Is he not attractive enough? What's wrong with him?
C) What are people going to say, once it becomes known that his best friend is gay? Suddenly, there is a cloud of suspicion about him really being str8.

It helps to try and put yourself in other dude's shoes and try to understand his concerns, too.

KD

 

I bumped this post because you should see what I was up against in high school.

This is the year book pic of my best friend, the dark and charming Sicilian.

 

I have the best advice, move out

if someone cannot accept something as little as that in this day and age, they are obviously a dick. You need to consider what the word friend actually means.

He sure as hell isn't acting like one. No one chooses their sexuality, no one chooses who they are attracted to- you just are. Accept it, move one.

 

why you need AIm is this your room mate?

 

Never creep through peoples personal stuff. And def a bad time to come out.