I have massive Psychological trauma but

I also know I am not going to get help.

This is a confession. That is it.

Regardless of what anyone says here, I will not get help from a doctor or a Shrink.

But I just want it to be clear, I am aware I have major problems in my head.

I would never do anything stupid like killing myself or anything. Nor would I ever hurt someone in anger.

I am a functioning member of society. I own businesses and have tons of responsibilities.

If you would see me and talk to be you would think I am completely normal and highly intelligent.

But I am admitting I have major problems in my psyche

Are we clear. I know my mind is really screwed up.

That is my confession.

 

i like you just fine as you are. maybe you won't be the person you are without the trauma.

 

well....can you at least tell why you are screwed up? I think we are all messed up to a certain extent

 

Dude...Mabey it's time to forget about bein' a capitalist for a while, hmm?
Tell ya what, Smoke a fat one then eat you up a big plate of beans 'n rice and take a nice long nap...

Take a tip from them "lazy" locals... I'm serious man, life's too short.

ZW

 

Agreed. OP, what is troubling your psyche?

 

I echo these sentiments. Financial worries on top of your psychological trauma will surely be of great help to you and those around you.

 

No doctor, ok
No shrink, ok

How about one of those with a stunning nurse.

Different things work for different people. You are where you are and to be honest if you do not wish to seek outside help for this then it would accomplish nothing to do so.

That is making the assumption that it would if you chose to. That may not be the case.

You cope and that is more than many do.

Sometimes coping and getting on with living is enough and where it should be.

 

The issues are just challenges you must rise to. Perhaps they are part of why you've dealt so easily with matters that intimidate most other people? That is, compared to grappling with the demons in your dead, picking yourself up from being homeless to financial and political independence is a cake walk.

I see character as being less defined by all that appears good and more by adapting to what can potentially destroy us. Your massive psychological trauma functions like a workout regimen for your psyche. You wouldn't be the same person without it.

 

Okay here is the deal.

I am going to post a link so all of you can get a feel of where I am coming from.

The first 5 pages has the general story.

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=403573&f=51

The other thing that was not on that thread came out in anger as I was infuriated at someone who was saying rape was funny. I am not posting that link.

As far as that one I got so pissed off at the poster I revealed one of my darker secrets.

When I was living on the streets someone drugged my drink and 8 guys raped me repeatedly. I was helpless.

As a guy who has always straight it was one of the more horrible things that happened to me. Part of me is still humiliated by the whole thing.

Anyway this thread was I kind of public acknowledgment that I know I have massive trauma in my Psyche.

Believe it or not I had other things happen that were just as bad that I still am not going to talk about.

To sum it up. I experienced a tragic loss of my fiancee, followed by 4 years of unimaginable violence.

I got myself off the streets and made a major success of my life. Beyond any dreams I ever could imagine.

But the thing is my mind still has a lot of that stuff inside of me.

I mean I can deal with it becase I know what is going on.

But sometimes in my daily life things will trigger what I would call flashbacks. These sometimes happen while I am doing normal everyday things.

I have learned to appear totally calm and cool while my mind goes into absolute terror.

Since I have been through so many things one of my goals has been to reach out to people and give them hope.

That was my motivation in writing my "I don't hate the world" thread.

I want people to know they can rise beyond any challenge and make something of their life.

Well what I did not know was writing about it has triggered the flashbacks and nightmares almost non stop since I posted the thread.

It has been a living hell for me this last few days.

This thread is admitting that although I can function, my mind is freaking out.

It seems to be getting better. Although I am being constantly reminded about my past. Things that I would rather forget.

So there you have it.

I am Unknown American the multimillionaire who is a complete basket case.

It is nice to meet you all of you.

Thanks for your replies.

 

Some people go to church for mental healing or a hindu temple.

 

"Its always darkest before the dawn."

 

I have found all clichés to be of great value- almost as much as generalization!

UA... please take some time to rediscover peace and please don't place too much value a stranger posts in discussion with you. Sometimes these forums are for entertainment purposes only- the key is recognizing that before digesting opinions others post here.

 

The key is knowing who is a troll..

 

Well- sometimes it's useful to temporarily bestow that on people who actually aren't trolling. Ultimately it involves cultivating the ability to just let shit roll of without taking too much of it in- and THAT I can tell you is no easy task... I say this from experience.

 

I know what you mean, especially being around the internet for a while, but many people still seek to cause emotional reactions in others for their own entertainment.

 

Sometimes it isn't that though... some folks are doing little more than just being themselves. In a sense the honesty can refreshing... that someone respects another enough not to alter put on airs- instead entrusting them the unvarnished honesty of who they really are.

Then there are those unwilling to just walk away with the knowledge that what they say is right and the dignity and intelligence to recognize how unimportant it should be that anyone else see that and the dignity to walk away from something before it degenerates into something else.

 

Why such a strong aversion to seeing a therapist?

 

Are you kidding?

He’s an independent self-made man who’s had to rely on his own wits and ingenuity to lift himself up
from a very dark place.

His pride won’t allow him to see a shrink which has always been the achilles’ heel of this personality type


Hotwater

 

Neither you or I doubt any of those 8 guys were gay

Currently in the middle of dealing, yet again, with a powderpuff that has landed in my zone, left home from years of abuse at the hands of the older sister, then taken out of school at year 9 due to abuse at the hands of his male classmates. Is currently staying with friends and finishing high school at a TAFE college. But is jittery as all fuck and just turned 16. I wont go into detail, but obviously more than one incident, some as nasty as your ordeal. Anyway its a story I've heard time and time again


My point is not one of point scoring, but that part of your "healing" is coming to terms with just how not unique your story is.

Can I hazard a guess and assume that when you encounter gay males or concepts in real life some of that anger surfaces? Some of us will know a certain variety and level of anger only means one thing. If that does happen, some of those you are directing that anger to will have gone through similar ordeals themselves.

It may seem irrelevant, but another part of that "healing" process is to ponder on whether that humilation you described would be any less valid if you or they were gay or even if they werent male for that matter.

And at very least, you have others validating your ordeal, Your tale of getting drugged and then abused by 8 homeless guys, people hear that and dont question the validity. Powderpuff I described before tells the tale of what his male classmates did, only some will accept. He tells the tale of the kind of thing big sis did to him and the parents shut down in complete denial, most wont accept cos apparently young girls dont do those kinds of things, thus he and some of us get to go through life keeping up the pretense that all little girls are made of sugar and spice. What if adding to the trauma of that ordeal, no one believed you when you told them?

 

Thanks for the replies.

As for god. I honestly do not know if there is a god. Even if there is, there is no way of confirming that god has any interest in out lives.

Yes Stinkfoot I did let someone get the best of me. When the asshole started talking and laughing about rape in the other thread, I went off. To be honest I did not want to say anything. It just came out.

Please understand that I am not saying that that I have had it worse than everyone.

As I look around when I live and travel the Third World it is clear to me that there are many people who have it worse than me.

Even in North America I do know of many people that have had it much worse than me.

The people that raped me were not homeless. I would have to explain the whole story of what happened.

And to be quite honest, I think I feel vulnerable enough right now.

I was simply expressing my humiliation.

As for if no one believed me, well that is their right. I can control my life and emotions. But I have no control of what other people believe.

But you know what talking, about all the things has helped me take it from inside my head and get it released.

As for the comments about a therapist. I did that for a few years after I got off the streets. They wanted me to start taking pills. That is not how I roll.

I need to leave this thread alone for now. But thanks for all the replies.