I Can't Deal With Myself Anymore

I wake up angry and frustrated for no reason everyday, I cry for no reason, and I can't help but to feel negative about everything always. I can't seem to hold a job down because I either black out and then freak out or just get so stressed out that I eventually make up a reason to quit. My relationship is suffering and I don't have the money to get help. I was diagnosed with PTSD in the past but I am starting to think it is something different or worse. I have not felt right emotionally since in elementary school. I can't eat, sleep, or make anyone happy let alone myself. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night.

 

MQ-this upsets me. I have seen your recent posts here and there and things appeared to be better with you. I am sorry you are still struggling so much. I hope things can turn around for you.

I'm far from an expert on any subject, but feel free to PM me if you want to talk. In the meantime I will continue to send good vibes.

 

OP - sounds like you need a new doctor. If you have all these awful feelings and you have no idea where they come from, that sounds like it could be a brain chemistry imbalance. PTSD could make sense, if something terrible happened in your early childhood - do you know of anything like that? But jeezus - that's no way to live. I don't believe in medication as the answer to everything, but it seems like you need something to help you function.

 

such horrible times we are living in right now did you try talking to a close friend or somebody in your family that you are really close to and can trust ??

 

when you fall off the horse

get back on the horse. In failure of that, smoke some pot.

 

That is my problem Zengizmo, I do not have a doctor right now. Fortunately I moved to a big city where county funded facilitates are decent. I have had some messed up shit happen to me, but looking back at it I guess it never really effected me at the time it happened. I can deal with the depression though it's the anxiety I can not deal with. Last time I went to the Dr. I lived in shitty Central Florida and they would not even treat my anxiety because they automatically think that you are asking them for xannax. I do have a friend that lives close by that is going through some of the same shit, he has helped some but we are both not good at communicating, and I have a problem communicating in person with men (because of what happened in the past). Thanks for your responses guys, I appreciate it.

 

:grouphug:

have you talked to a therapist? i have one i see and it helps.. slightly.. i refuse to take any pharmaceuticals for my issues.

you can always vent here if the need be. seems to be a lot of supportive people.

what about books? i read a pretty good one called "healing the child within" by charles l. whitfield m.d.

keep pushing forward!

 

I used to love to read Boogabaah I just can't seem to concentrate long enough, lol. I'm going to check out the book you listed though, seems to hit home. I try to talk about it as much as possible but sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling to talk about it. My emotions seem to get all jumbled at times. For now I seem to be having an ok day. I miss reading Stephen Kings books, they are soooooo long though.

 

therapist dont do shit they just put idea's in your head and push meds

 

i know exactly what you're feeling.. and it fucking sucks. i hate that i can't get away from ME sometimes..

i haven't found the answer yet... sometimes i think i just need a change.. a major change.. a small vacation.. and that'll help..

maybe do the opposite and write? scribble? draw? paint? let it all out!

glad you're looking for what you need.

 

this is a very bias statement. i have had wonderful therapist and a few shitty ones. not all push meds, especially if you tell them upfront you refuse to take them. you must "shop" around for one that works well for you.

 

MayQueen, I'm kinda wondering about that "messed up shit" you mentioned, and wondering if it might have had a delayed reaction. What you say about having mixed up feelings and not even knowing what you're feeling sometimes makes me think you have some suppressed shit that is pushing for expression and acknowledgement. But if so, it could freak you out when it surfaces, so you want to be really careful with that - a good therapist could help, if you can find one - county staff are spotty, in my experience, so you might have to try a few to find a good one. Your male friend going through similar shit seems like a God-given resource to me. Maybe communication is hard, maybe it's hard to open up with a male, but if you can spend the time just talking, I can see that friendship possibly being a catalyst for you to find your lost feelings and express and heal them.

I like Boogabaah's suggestion about finding some creative expression - I would ask: What are things you really love to do? In other words: What activities make you forget about time and the rest of the world when you're doing them? If you have anything like that, you should do it as much as possible to keep yourself grounded.

My hopes for the best for you. And as Boogabaah said, if you want to talk or vent, lots of folks around here like to listen and try to help, and I'm one of them.

 

Erm, first thing I would say is consider dietary changes. As mad as it sounds, I believe that intolerances to certain foods particularly things like gluten can cause considerable imbalances (including mental). Not that I'm saying it is that, but just that eating a good diet and steering clear of common allergens (gluten and dairy, basically) should be a starting point I believe in dealing with general anxiety or depression where a cause is tricky to pinpoint.

Also, certain natural treatments may be great particularly for anxiety. I would recommend in particular magnesium, and an adaptogenic herb such as holy basil or maybe ashwagandha. Vitamin C, b vitamins and things are also good. All these things help the body to deal with stress, lowering the key stress hormones (mainly cortisol) and just getting things into better balance

I think that dietary changes, magnesium and holy basil in particular should all have a positive effect

 

This sounds just like deep seated anxiety.

 

exactly. I can not really seek help right now because I have no money what so ever, none. I used to play guitar but I have no motivation or desire to do anything creative. My creative juices have been drained from me. Thank you for all of your suggestions everyone, I really appreciate it.

 

I would love to eat better but eating better = spend more money on groceries. Fresh fruits and veggies are outrageously priced...I can barely afford food period. Just a bad time right now I guess. I agree with you though, my body feels better mentally and physically when I eat better.

 

Yea, I`ve experienced that. Mine was terribly debilitating. As cheesy as hell as it may sound, you have the answers. You know why you feel this way, you know what you`re afraid of and anxious about. Try looking within yourself and spend some time thinking about it. Be honest with yourself, but you can`t judge yourself in the process. Seek counselling when you can afford it.

 

thank you lunarverse

 

No problem. Feel free to pm me any time if you like. Peace, and good luck.

 

I dont know where you live, but if it is a big city then there is bound to be a community mental health agency that provides services for free or on a sliding scale. Where I live there are counseling centers that charge people as little as $5-10 per session because they are unemployed. Usually there is a waiting list, but if you feel this bad I would say keep looking for services, support groups etc. Maybe even check out Meetup.com. They sometimes have support groups for people with anxiety and things like that. You'd meet up once or twice a month and it would be free.

You sound really depressed. I hope that something falls into place for you.