Total Faithfulness, Is it Possible?

It's all I ever ask and NEVER what I get.

I'm tired of it

Lois

 

Yes, I think it is possible. Hard to find but possible.

I am sorry to read that you are having a rough time. I hope that today gets better and each day after that heals your hurt. :grouphug:

 

Well, define total faithfulness.

Yes, it's possible if you simply mean sexual monogamy -- after all, only roughly 50% of the population have cheated (or admitted to doing so, so you can even bump that up to 60-70% =P)

If you mean a picture perfect relationship, with complete symbiosis, and no dissent; I sure hope not.

Instead of doubting that there are non-cheaters, such as myself - I think you need to realize that a relationship takes two -- and maybe you could be doing more to make sure the person you are dating is one.

 

Possible? Yes, for many people but not for others.

 

Thanks All,

I have read and considered each of your answers.

Thanks for the hug Heat.

Defining total faithfulness-being there when your partner really needs you, even if it's just to"vent" about something upsetting.

Really being there when your partner is truly ill and needs your help and moral support.

Being supportive of your partner when he/she undertakes an endeavour that is new to them.

Being patient when your partner is going through a bad time and needs a lot of moral support.

Most of all-BEING TRUTHFUL. TWICE I have been dumped for someone who was "just a friend" until I said choose who you want!

I try to be honest, respectful and patient, but it is hard. My guy tends to lecture, which makes listening difficult and when he's being repetitive it's hard not to tune out.

In short, its hard to get him to understand my point of view, and we both tell each other that neither of us is working hard enough to keep the relationship going.

Which resulted in him cheating and me losing patience, because I got the "Just a friend" story, AGAIN

At least this one seems to know which side his bread is buttered on, the garden is here to help feed him and he has a camper for shelter, whereas if he took off he'd have nothing because he messed up with Welfare, working and not telling them and may never get disability status now!

So no income means stay put where there is the occasional odd job and start earning your keep-so he's behaving better.

Any other advice any of you may have after reading this, I will gladly listen to.

Lois

 

It sounds like you have too many issues on your plate right now and no wonder you are feeling a little overwhelmed.

Communication at the best of times is a really difficult issue to deal with as we are all different and how we verbally and nonverbally communicate is so varied. It becomes an issue I think for most people at some time or another no matter the longevity of a relationship. The only advice I have is to keep trying.

My personal opinion is that many people end up having an affair as they get something that at the time, fills a need. It is not the sex, it is the feeling that someone new gives you. They are not the person who for the hundredth time said pick up your own crap as I am not doing it. They fill the need or the stroking of the person who is looking to feel validated in a relationship and do not.

I know of couples who have worked out difference after on or the other has had an affair and it took a tremendous amount of work to do so. It is a difficult area for people who wish to have monogamy to accept and work through as usually the other is the type who would not do so and the hurt and anger comes from there.

I think you are going to need some plain talking between you and some really good listening.

I am not sure how it will be for you as if he is staying for the reason that he has no other options then I think you are in for a rough ride. It is not a reason to work things out, instead it is a reason to resent.

The ones I know who did work it out between them, they both desired to really still be together and both had issues to solve.

If you can get some type of couples counseling it might really be helpful to get to the underlying problems for both of you. It also give a mediated environment and sometimes an outside person sees more clearly than us when we are emotionally vested in the situations.

If you choose to work this out, I hope that you can and have a better relationship.
Look after yourself also as if not then it will be very difficult for you to do what you need to.

Take care of you, you matter.

 

Communication is difficult, particularly as my guy has serious responsibilities with his Mum right now (she has cancer)

And when he's home, he's usually tired, so I try to be considerate and not push too hard, but I have needs too and as much as I adore his Mum, she is taking up a LOT of his time these days, but I do not resent it, his brothers are too far away to help and church friends aren't truly considerate of his Mum, so he has taken a lot on himself.

Like painting the basement suite, which she is paying him for, because she'd have to pay a "professional" a lot more.

At least at the moment, he's fixing my van's starter again-the 2nd hand one I bought doesn't fit right and grinds on the ring gear.

Our biggest problem is TIME to talk, there rarely is any, and we have a room-mate so privacy is also an issue.

But I'm not one for letting go, and unless this gets truly unbearable, I won't-at least I got rid of the whore!

Lois

 

He then has his hands full and all the emotional that comes with his mom not being well. I am sorry to read that his mom is not doing well.

You are going to need to find time to communicate. Even if you have to go as far as to make time. With a roommate that is even more difficult.

Maybe just some quiet time together with a blanket and a creek. Sit and talk. A walk after dark, a fire to sit around.

Hang in there.

 

It's totally possible. Maybe you have to look within yourself and ask why you end up with unfaithful people. If there is a pattern maybe there is something to it. I am not suggesting that you are not worthy being faithful to (not at all suggesting that) but sometimes we keep making the same mistakes over and over. There is a reason for it.

 

I had thought of that, his youngest brother is coming to visit so after that we may be able to get some time, or I'm simply going to have to ask for time.

If he can take the time to have a few beers with the guys next door to unwind, he can MAKE the time to sit and talk with me, I hope.

I can take the time from my writing, I've not got a mad buzz of ideas in my head to be expressed right now.

If he can ever get home early, maybe I'll give him a backrub so I have a captive audience

I'm hanging in, I've got a lot of knitting on the go to be finished and washcloths and towels to make from heavy crochet cotton-but that belongs on the recycling thread.

Thanks so much Heat, you are a very soothing soul.

Lois

 

Anything worth doing takes time and patience. You did not get to here overnight so it is going to take some time to fix it.

There is also nothing wrong with that little back rub either.

If I can help, even if it just to listen, I am around. I, thank you, for the lovely compliment.

 

Yes, I know, and in just over a year I have accomplished a lot. He had never gardened on such a large scale before (3500 sq. ft.) and I had to teach him a lot, and I'm still teaching him.

When we have the time, we do great things in the kitchen together, but lately his time is spoken for and I have to be patient.

We are also involved in another "project" with a friend if you get my drift and that also demands a portion of his time.

Sunday is "my" day, I go to the flea market, get us odds & ends and whatever vegetables we don't have ready yet.

With a room mate, there are 3 of us all running on different schedules too, and some days its a struggle to get up if genius has been burning away and I've done a bunch of writing the night before.

But I try to at least sit down with my tea while he has his coffee and don't start writing until he's gone out to do whatever chores there are here that we don't share, before he goes out.

We both do a lot of the planning and the garden has reached a point where we have to change a quite a few things, so hopefully we'll have time to talk about that soon as well as everything else.

You are more than welcome for the compliment, I appreciate your input, thank you

Lois

 

Things are quieter here, Some gardening still going on, and the usual chores. Today he took off in a hurry because he couldn't get his Mum on the phone, when she was supposed to be home with a bunch of company

I told him to take the cel and am waiting to hear what's up.

Nothing bad, I hope.

It's brain cancer so anything could have happened.

I just hope nothing has happened. The meds his Mum is on make her very dopy and its possible she has simply slept away past when she should have gotten up.

No sign of the she-cat, at least in this area, I have seen her in town though, so I'll have to keep an eye on that situation.

Thought I smelled her perfume on him, but it turned out to be something he'd put on after a long session in our "medicine garden" to cover the smell of the medicine

Thank heavens it was only that. I think he is learning which side his bread is buttered on. We have been having LONG talks about the potential of the garden and I got out my copy of John Jeavons book that explains how to plant for maximum yield.

If we go by that, we'll have more than enough for ourselves and some to sell or barter with

We have nearly 3 times the space the book talks about, so we can really produce a lot here simply by tripling the example amounts in the book!

So I'm hoping he keeps that in mind, and the fact we will have room for goats and some sort of fowl for meat, plus laying hens and some banties for raising chicks. (much better than an incubator and less fuss!)

There are ups and downs, our room mate has been rather mouthy towards us the last few days, but we consider the source and ignore a lot of it.

When he goes too far I either find him a chore to do or tell him to SHUT UP!

Downside of NOT having cable TV, can't shut him up by planting him in front of the tube. (yes we are dealing with a mentally damaged person with passive-aggressive disorder)

All in we are doing okay. Just have to stick with the priorities of NOW and deal with the rest later.

Hugs to all of you
Lois

 

wish to you..i hope you can be happy every day.

 

who in their right mind wants to eat hot dogs day after day when they can have a steak an cheese sub every now and then? EVERYONE cheats at one point in time....

 

If there was an ignore button, I'd turn your comment to dust

 

Sorry, it doesn't look like that is going to happen, if it were only him caring for his Mum, I can handle that, but when he doesn't come home because his damn brothers are there and WON'T make love to me on ANY terms--PHOOEY--its OVER!

 

:grouphug: Just for you.

Umm, not sure how to put this delicately, so I am just going to say it. Maybe he can not right now. I mean physically he may not be able to get an erection due to all the stress and emotional he is dealing with. He may not be even able to express that.

Just a thought.

 

It's not can't.It's WON'T and we had a screaming fight on the phone about it, I'm underweight and he's trying to consider my health-what a lot of road apples! SEX makes me hungry, the more I get, the more I eat-I keep telling him and he won't listen

 

Very possible. I was just talking to someone I'd recently started seeing, and discussing why people screw around in relationships. Probably the number one problem is picking a partner when we don't yet feel good about ourselves. We "settle" for someone who has a shaky record or a little shifty or even not to our standards in other ways: Insecurity is often what drives someone to cheat or otherwise be jerks in a relationship, and lots of folks can sense that off the bat.

The best thing we can do to attract the right person is strive to meet our own standards of excellence where we can. I'm never going to get the right man based on being a beauty. It's going to be based on how I dress, educational background, being in good physical condition, having a good sense of humor, personality, etc. Having confidence in yourself gives you the confidence to ask for what you need. If there's no room for compromise, you put them out on the next thing smokin' out of your life.

In short, don't be afraid to demand a higher standard. There are worse things than being alone, and meeting one right person three years down the road is a thousand times better than going through loser after loser. Just my humble opinion.