I am ridiculously confused and need opinions. Sorry for the long post - I have Aspergers and over think things, and can't summerise. Sorry. ______________________________________________________ SUMMARY BY MY FRIEND: Dilemma: If I do something, there is a 99.9999% chance I will regret it forever, however if I don't do something, I will always wonder if I should have done it, and will always regret not doing it. So what is better??? To live wishing you HADN'T done it, or to live wishing you HAD done it, and which regret is easier to shoulder ??? ______________________________________________________ There is a guy who I like. We met on the internet, He lives in Germany, and I in London. He's younger than me by 9yrs, and essentially a prat at times. I've posted about him before. However, we've kept in nearly daily contact, and met offline in Germany, and it was like a fairy tale - and I fell in love for the first time (I think). The meeting just felt so right and we didn't break physical contact the whole time we were together. It was mind-blowing for me even more because while I was always on guard to defend myself the whole time, he was the perfect gentleman and didn't do a thing wrong, even to kissing me on the cheek (my first kiss) because he knew that I was worried about how to kiss. He has said and done a lot of things that make me feel very upset and p**sed off with him, but I do have strong feelings for him... and those feelings are also very lustful. I asked him how he felt about me and he made it clear that our feelings are very different because "men and women love differently", and we ended up having a heated debate over it. A debate that ended up with me in tears after he logged off, and after over a year of daily talk, in me sending a first naked photo of myself to him (long and sad story as to why it ended up that way) and showing him some of my bodies deformities from an accident I had. And was shocked to see him still come back, and send messages and talk to me and when things had calmed between us, to tell me how sexy I was. Which was nice, because we don't talk a lot of sex, even though I think of it all the time. Of course the cynic in me says he would still tell me I'm sexy, because he knows how I feel about him, and things would be easy for him if he wanted. So - wind forward and the relationship is coming to an end. The reason is primarily distance, and that also, while he knew this from the beginning and said it would be fine, he wants kids and I medically cannot give him that and his biological clock is ticking now. A couple weeks ago he broke the news to me that also, the reason why he was single was from an issue which he said makes people judge him, so he is having a cosmetic surgurical procedure to correct it, and said that once done, he can be himself, and get girls and they will want to be with him, etc - in other words he wants to sleep around, and he added that I am only with him because I pity him, and can't do better myself (I think the me 'not doing better with men, than him' was a bad translation on his part, as it seemed out of character for him to say, but who knows). So I thought about it, and have decided that I am NOT staying around for that train crash - it will crush me to know he is running with another girl. So I will support him through recovery and no matter the heartbreak will have to walk away when he has recovered. Thing is - I am 35yr old virgin (not worried about being an older virgin at all - its more about the guy I'm with, that counts for me), that has never had any interest from the few guys I have met, beyond friendship. He is the first man in my life I genuinely have trusted. And the first man that I have ever felt so lustful towards in person which confuses me also. Like when I was in Germany, I caught myself in the most unladylike positions, or pulling down my top a little, without even thinking and the buzz between us was electric, to the point he went and subtley sorted himself out in the bathroom twice while I was there. But he hid it as much as possible and was the perfect gentleman - which made me trust him even more. Then over the last 4 weeks, he has asked me to go back and see him, and since a recent trauma I have had, I am so desperate that I feel sick, with the urge to go back and see him - but I also know damn well, that this time - I'd end up in bed with him. So I don't know what to do. I would regret it deeply if I slept with him, because of some fairytale notion of being in a real relationship with someone before I lose it, and this horrible feeling I get when I think of myself being used just for sex, like a one time wonder. When he told me he wanted another girl a few months back, my first thought after the stunned feeling weakened its grip, was "Oh Thank god I never slept with him!" and it felt a genuine relief to know I hadn't slept with him. But on the other hand - whereas in all the years, my fantasies never had a face or a frame - my fantasies when I'm having some alone time, are all his face and build and smell now. So I also know I would have this incrediably deep regret that I never did sleep with him. If I did sleep with him, I know he'd be respectful and look after me and treat me right, and stop if I wanted him to, and that he does care for me a lot. And while I would be that (ugh) one time wonder - I wouldn't just be talked about disrespectfully with future girls or his friends. However, also I am still scared about something else. I'm 35 and only just had my first kiss on the lips (unconsented) from a guy, who I thought was just a friend and who I simply don't fancy at all, 2 weeks ago, and it was a truely horrible experience, to which - after he left - I ended up in tears on the phone to my best friend over it. It was just nasty all round - and the guy has since told me my expression directly after the kiss, was somewhere between "vomitting profusely and an inaccurately shot deer caught in headlights". But it bugs me that it took that long to get to that first kiss (although I now have regrets that it was forced on me like that!), and what if I never have the opportunity again, for someone I actually fancy the pants off, and who does care for me in his own male twisted way, to have a little intimacy. Now I am losing my German guy for good - am I just reacting to that 'now or never' feeling. Ugh - I am so confused - so basically - should I go and have sex? - and essentially be the thing I hate the idea of most - a single fling... or should I just suck it up, and live with the regret of something that never was to be. Which regret is worse..... ugh - I wish my stupid brain was normal!!!
The first thing you will need to do is to stabilize your emotions. Then and only then, can you make a decision regarding your course of action. So for now just chill untill you feel you are totally in control again. Love is a very strong emotion, and it may take awile, so be patient.
