I know You'll probably say I'm normal but Jesus, this is frustrating...

So, I'm 20, and relatively sexually inexperienced and "rationally" i understand that there's no need to label myself this early. That being said, the past few months (the first time in about 10 years that I could reconcile myself with any homosexual inclinations) have been very stressful. I've pretty much accepted my bi-curious behaviors (watching gay porn along with straight porn, occasionally checking out dudes), however, it's been difficult to then reconcile that with my (primarily) heterosexual past. I really don't want to be that 55 year old closet case. If I am gay, I'd like to be able to know it now and come out while I'm young and in a super-left wing environment. Indeed,sometimes I feel gay.

And yet...

Other times I'm Bi, and other times I think I'm just heteroflexible-21st century straight. Here comes another "weird" confession (thank god for anonymity). From ages 13-17 or so I had a huge crush on a very busty, female (2nd) cousin of mine. Also, I have a close female friend (also friend's ex-gf) who on many occasions (both intentionally and unintentionally) has elicited a strong sexual response from me (Sometimes when I talk to her I get a hardon). I've also engaged in occasional cybersex with a girl I know from high school for the past few years. In these instances, and many other masturbatory moments of my adolescence, I wasn't thinking about guys. I was totally into the moment.

Now I find myself endlessly comparing gay and straight attractions to see which one is more compelling. It's gotten to the point where I watch gay and straight porn at the same time and measure my erection. I think it was that stupid bi-denying study from NU that went to my head. On the other hand, that science has some merits.

I don't want bisexuality to be a cop-out, a way of retaining heterosexual privilege, but I also don't want to declare myself as gay and close off doors I might in fact want to pursue, emotionally or sexually. I definitely feel that I don't want to be gay. I have many gay friends and some relatives and, at least philosophically, rationally, and consciously have no problems with gay people or gay liberation. Sometimes what I think and read makes me think I'm just in denial, other times I think I'm an overly-horny, shy, socially-inadequate, sexually inexperienced straight dude who, at the end of the day, wants a long term relationship (settle down/kids) with a woman (preferably that best friend's ex-gf).

I'm neurotic by nature, and this stuff is really bothersome. On the one hand labels are social constructs, on the other, having a positive, reified sexual identity might envigorate me.

Ok, sorry for the rant, I guess it really does just come down to patience and experimentation.


I'll close with two open questions.

1). I've noticed many bi/bicurious guys on these forums are somewhat sexually inexperienced (those ages about 18-25). Basic psychoanalysis might say we're drawn to bisexuality because of a lack of experience, but might the inverse be true? Are we more likely to be insecure and therefore less active sexually?

2) The other bad part about questioning my sexual orientation is that I haven't really been able to enjoy smoking pot since the process started. Has this happened to anyone else.

Ok, thanks for reading. I haven't slept in 2 days...I should probably go pass out.

 

The only thing you really need to do is to cool it off for a while.

Wanting to resolve your issues is one thing. Being able and mature enough to do so is quite another.

You are going thru an intense period of self-search and frankly, you can't wait to get to the end of it and be happy with the results. The harder you try the less you'll achieve. Both time and patience are of essence here.

You want leave the inate (and somewhat inane) need for validation behind you. If a girl attracts you, and you see yourself getting involved there, do so. No need to call anyone, come out, advertise and share with the rest of the world. It is between her and you.

Absolutely the very same applies to your possible attraction to any dude around. If you feel attracted go for it and enjoy it. No need to fly the rainbow flag at this stage or go public on any account. Keep it private because it is an essentially private matter.

Over the next few years, you will establish a pattern of behaviour. Be it bi, str8 or gay. Once you really establish that pattern, you may choose to come out or not.

Until then, it is one day at a time, and one experience at a time, too.

KD

 

maybe you should of posted this in the religion section..

 

You're normal.

 

Why must you know?

 

imo u should come terms with bisexuality. if not, bi-curious. like kewldude66 said, just follow any opportunity with either guy or girl, and the experiences will contribute to a solid opinion. pretty much
and i can understand if u would be hesitant to tell a potential gf or bf that you like both sexes, but just either try your best to tell it in a way that it wouldn't be a problem for the relationship, or just not get into any commitment at all. whichever makes sense for ur situation

and thx for the post. im glad to know people like u exist, and that it is expressed

 

Your only problem is you ANALyse too much.

Quit thinking about it and just do it. Posts like this make me so glad that I was a part of the sexual revolution in the '60s where our only axiom was

"If it feels good - Do It!"

Who cares if you like boys or girls. You can do both and enjoy them. Who cares if you label yourself str8, gay or bi. Sexual inclinations are mutable - you may become all three in a lifetime - it's allowed (Despite what many christians and muslims might say)

I understand questioning and trying to "find yourself," as we used to call it, but don't take the questions so seriously.

 

This guy has given you some great advice . Honestly , I would follow this advice .

 

I'm doing (slightly) better these days. Sometimes I still get stressed, other times I'm able to take a step back and really just not give a shit. I don't know if I'm gay bi bicurious or whatever. The way I see it now, if I was totally gay, i wouldn't have fantasizing about girl. Of course if I was totally straight, I wouldn't enjoy fantasizing about guys. I think I'm just horny and lonely, hopefully once I get back to a more social situation it won't be so much of an issue.

 

Dear Zappaphile - if it helps any, I'll tell you where I'm at.

From when I was tiny I was attracted to both men and women. I had sexual contact with both from age 4, and have had full sex with a guy, and been to third base with another.

I have not had any activity with men for 15 years, but have recently been thinking about it a lot again. I'm tempted by men, but more on a fantasy level - mostly because I can't stand the thought of people finding out. It's a small enough town, and I find that people have often been not too cool about bisexuals. I think there's a need for people to deal with simple either/or situations and categories. If you read up on societal attitudes towards bisexuals, you will find often there is just as much if not more negativity displayed towards bisexuals as gay people.

I have enough issues in life without taking that on as well, but it does feel like something I wish I could be open about. I never thought I'd feel this way - wanting to be an out bisexual AND actively identifying myself as such. Perhaps it's my own need for categorisation. I have developed a major health issue, and am going through a process of reconstituting my identity. It may be linked to that.

In truth, I imagine that all these labels are guides at best - humans are so remarkably changeable that one label can rarely last a lifetime.

I think I understand that need to know, as it is really vexing me at the moment - hence showing up on a forum, wanting to be around others. Mind you, the structure of these forums gives you the impression they are used as online pick-up joints rather than places just to connect and converse virtually.

I hope at least some of this is in some way helpful. Good luck with it!

 

I find it interesting that there is such a double standard with men and women as far as bi-curiousity goes. I know many females that consider themselves straight but are still attracted to women or have even experimented with women. This is so common that its rarely questioned anymore...I actually feel abnormal around a lot of my female friends because I'm much more into the male body than the female body, whereas a lot of my straight female friends are more likely to admire the sexual beauty of a woman than a man.

Its not as common for men to explore their sexuality in terms of both men and women. I don't think its a big deal though, and I wouldnt torture yourself by making a huge deal out of it. Love is love and sex is sex, and if you fall in love with a man or if you just want to have sex with a man, I wouldn't let labels hold you back. If you do experiment with a man, that doesn't mean you have to swear off women forever and it doesn't mean that you won't eventually fall in love with a woman and raise children with her. I remember discussing in an anthropology class once that sexual orientation is mainly a cultural construct. There are many cultures around the world that embrace bisexuality. Just because it isn't as common in western society doesn't mean that you are abnormal. I think its probably more common than we think for men to have bi-curious thoughts. Its just still taboo in our society so its not discussed openly.

 

I totally agree with the above post. I think culturally and socially, its seen as more acceptable and "normal" for females to be attracted to their own sex. Which is why I firmly believe its not that there's really any less men than women who are attracted to their own sex, its just that far fewer will actually admit to it, or do anything about it. Straight women can show affection for their own sex, and not have their sexuality brought into question. Whereas for men, they are almost always instantly seen as gay, if they show even the slightest bit of affection for their own sex. Men are definitely more suppressed as far as that goes.

I'm also way more attracted to the male body. I dont see myself as even bi, because I have no attraction to other women outside of "she's pretty". I would not experiment with women, because the "attraction" doesnt go that far for me. But a man couldn't even go "He's good looking", without some people questioning his sexuality.

As for the OP's question, I think its more likely that many more gay/bi guys are inexperienced with sex than straight men, because they feel more restricted, and not able to freely explore their sexuality the way straight men can. (or gay/bi women) I dont think it has anything really to do with lack of confidence. Its more to do with insecurity. I wouldn't label yourself too early, though I certainly would advise you to have your sexuality figured out before entering into any long term relationship. Be it with a man, or a woman. So as to prevent any possibility of that falling apart due to your orientation.

 

Right now I feel sort of gay (porno-wise) but I can't think of many guys, either gay or straight, that I'm really attracted to that I know in real life. On the other hand, I'm sort of in love with this one woman, but I'm trying not to be because it would be awkward socially for us to be together.

I guess I'd have to place myself somwhere between Bicurious and Questioning. Emotions play a very big role in my sexuality. I'm really only attracted to people I'm friends with. So this girl--one of my best friends--calls me, and I get a hands-free boner...which also happens when I watch certain porn...

The one thing I can't get over is one day last year our group of friends were going out drinking at some silly event and she came in (at the time she was dating my other best friend) wearing this red dress she got at good will. She thought she looked ridiculous but she was so sexy, beyond sexy, radiant. It's the only time in my life I'd seen someone and really felt beauty. (and I'm getting sort of hard thinking about it).

I just can't be confident in either identity when, growing up, I had all these fetishes dreaming about fucking teachers (all female) and friend's moms and even one of my cousins. I literally stared at one girls tits during lunch for all of high school. And when I've hooked up with girls I haven't been thinking about guys. I imagine now the thought would probably cross my mind, though I think I might consider girls if I was to hook up with a guy.

I've been propsitioned once by a guy in my bedroom and I didn't do anything because I wasn't attracted to him at all and at that point in my life I was pretty straight. Another time I was at a party where people were playing spin the bottle and a male friend started to make out with me and I basically recoiled in horror. It's possible I freaked because there were so many people in the room but I know I wasn't turned on at all.

Does the idea of vagina gross gay men out? I'm not particularly found of vagina close ups during porn, but I don't like anus close ups either. I prefer all the orifices penetrated, it seems. Right now I'm in the habit of flipping back and forth between the two. Originally I thought this was a bad thing but maybe not. When I watch S &M I like to alternate between Female Dominates and Dominated. I never watch gay S&M though, at least not yet.