I Think I Need Some Help...

Alright, here's me spilling my guts.

About a month ago, I was in the ER two nights in the row with panic/anxiety attacks. They pretty much just sedated me and sent me home, but referred me to a doctor.

He set me up with lorazepam, and it was fine...except that the anxiety/panic attacks promptly stopped and were replaced with intense depression. The doctor referred me to a therapist, and now I'm seeing both of them.

They tried Lexapro, and it made me much worse. Now I'm on Bupropion and it doesn't seem to be doing much either way after about two weeks.

My dad had some issues with the same thing in his youth, but no other family history - including nothing like this in my own past. I'm in my late 20s, in pretty good shape, work full time, longtime girlfriend, no messed up childhood, etc.

But the thing is, despite all the help I'm getting - it seems like I'm getting worse. The intense hopelessness and such usually hit me later at night around bedtime, but it's starting to hit me at work and during the day too - really interfering in life.

I'm not suicidal, but I perpetually feel like an ominous cloud is hanging over me. I'm getting increasingly scared that I'll lose my mind, or lose control of myself, or this will get much worse, or whatever.

What can I do? It feels like the doctors are just slowly taking shots in the dark with medicine, meanwhile this mess is rapidly messing up and taking over my life. I don't want to get thrown in a psych ward for people who tried to off themselves...but on the same note I almost wish I could voluntarily check myself in somewhere for a few days or even weeks just to have the full-time care and maybe hammer all this out. But I don't even know where to begin with any of that.

Advice?

 

Hmmm...

 

I heard you the first time.

The only advice I have is to be more proactive in your own solutions. The doctor is experimenting.

What are the needs you feel are not being met? No answer required.

A retreat sounds like a good idea.

 

It's so hard to say... What do you think is behind the anxiety and/or depression? That's the only way I've known to deal with ominous mental state, to get to the route. Question it's reason, rethink and remap my feelings and thoughts. In that identification you can perhaps easier let it go.

Also I do wonder if you have some kind of diet related issue, perhaps take vitamins. But still I don't know.

Hopefully you will get more advice, good luck.

 

I'm sorry Grim, I don't have much but sympathy to offer as I go through boughts of depression for seemingly no reason as well. I've been struggling with it on and off since about age 11 and I've tried the doctor/therapist/medicine route and nothing will ever "cure" it. I'm done with doctors and medicine because the reality is they really don't know how to help and medicines only numb the problem, not fix it. It got to a point for me where walking around like a zombie and feeling numb was causing depression in and of itself, so I got off the meds after almost 3 years and stopped seeing my therapist because she had a very "suck it up and deal with it, everyone's depressed" kind of attitude which I didn't appreciate for $80/hr. That's been my experience with other therapists in the past as well.

I can't say for sure what will happen for you, but hopefully this won't be a constant thing and you'll come out of it on your own. You may experience episodes for the rest of your life as I know I will, but I also know that they are only temporary (even the ones that last for months) and I will be ok in time. I think depression is like a disease that once you experience it, you'll never get rid of it, you just have to find your own ways to cope. I know how bad it can be sometimes, feeling like you're losing your mind and want to die and the fact that you really can't find a root to these feelings just makes it worse, but just stick it out and choose to win the battle and live your life. Every episode you survive makes you stronger for the next. Good vibes to ya, I hope you find your way in time.

 

marijuana. seriously. it calms the mind.

 

^ makes depression and anxiety much worse for many people, cannabis is great for curing lack of hunger and nausea, for mental issues, it can easily do more harm than good.

Grim, listen to thedope. bear your insight towards yourself, find out what this cloud is, what is it made of, why now.

 

Yes, weed can make for a menacing state of mind fused with depression, but it can also help you connect with the moment at hand. Depends on where you are in your negativity.

Some advice I thought up is to not feed it with cyclic thinking. It can easily snowball, if that wasn't the case already.

 

Thanks, guys...

You're right about the cyclical thinking, Plant Head. I tend to get caught up in it sometimes; and so scared I will lose control or end up suicidal or super paranoid or what have you that I end up giving myself damn near a panic attack.

Calming exercises, breathing, meditation, and so forth help to an extent...but nothing quite does the trick.

As far as the root, well I agree that's it...and I honestly think just about 75% of my life could be that root. I have stress from a dozen directions now, but unfortunately the major stress is now from this thing and the bills stemming from it - which creates a vicious circle, I suppose.

I dunno...part of me wants to just voluntary commit and leave it in someone elses' hands for a while, but part of me want to stand and fight it off on my own.

 

I find that often when I'm depressed and can't figure out why it's due to denial. Often the conscious mind will manifest depression when you are forcing your subconscious mind to deal with all the things you won't admit to yourself. But maybe that's just me.

I adhere to what the 20th century theologian Paul Tillich wrote in his essay "The Dynamics of Faith." Every individual has a "centered act of being" -- something in his or her life that is the focal point of every action. Faith, according to Tillich, is not simply holding something to be true when little evidence is provided. Rather, faith is "the state of being ultimately concerned." If a person's ultimate concern is rooted in something that is not eternal, ineffable, and greater than the individual, they will inevitably suffer existential disappointment. However, if a person's ultimate concern is something that is greater than the individual, whether it is God, humanity, peace, family, or love, they will be able to conquer anything, even in the face of doubt. Doubt is the most important aspect of faith. People who refuse to doubt have nothing to build their faith upon.

Hang in there, man. Just find out what is important to you. Human life is a perpetual cycle of reaffirming our being in the face of despair. Remember there are better times ahead, think about the people you love, and you will be fine.

 

whats your recent drug use been like grim ? what kind of drugs, how often etc including alcohol.

 

That actually helped a little, I think. I like that quote...thank you very much for sharing.

Non-existent. A beer now and then, an OTC sleeping pill most nights...that's about it.





As an update to things; the other night I had a...very rough patch. I wasn't suicidal, but I was getting really terrified it was going to get there; or to where I lost control/my mind. Usually these things pass quickly enough, but this one went for hours...even when my girlfriend drove me around a bit at like 4am(usually going out for a while helps too). Eventually I had to just use the lorazepam to get to sleep and hope it improved.

Talked to my therapist a couple days later and we talked about this partial-care thing where you go in for a couple weeks, every day from 9-3 or something like that. They'd be able to more closely work with different plans and medications; and observe me for a better stretch than me just seeing my therapist or doctor once every week or two.

I like the idea, honestly. Buuuuut; there's no way I could swing it with my job. I'd just quit, but without benefits and steady pay, I'm screwed seven ways from sunday...barely can afford everything even with those things.

So does anyone know anything about these partial-care things?

 

Hi Grim

I am so sorry to read that you are having such a difficult time and that coping is an uphill battle right now.

Have you asked your Doctors about being able to get financial assistance and what social programs you may be able to access so that you are able to possibly participate in this program?

Also would your employer, if given a Doctors recommendation in any way be receptive to working with you regarding the time you would need to complete it?

I have not much to offer you but I am thinking about you and I hope that you are soon able to handle dealing with all of this.

Take care.:grouphug:

 

Just chill the fuck out and get our of your head...we're all mad here. All of us are fucked up.

And listen to this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckPfk3Lu8PU&feature=related"]YouTube - Spiderbait - Black Betty

 

Thanks for the kind words, Heat...and they've given me the numbers to some support groups and whatnot, though we haven't discussed finances yet.

My job might let me take a leave of absence, albeit unpaid, but I'm waiting to see if I'm eligible for it. There's going on government disability, I guess...but I don't like that idea or really want to go that way.

In the end I may just have to gut it out for another month or two so I can build up a decent amount of money to fall back on, then just do it and deal with what happens.



...and I've tried that, wild-flowers. I'm generally pretty good with handling my head, meditation, clearing my thoughts, you name it. That's what's jarring about this - it's always there in some fashion; and when a really strong wave comes it just can't be ignored, fought, surfed on, or escaped.

 

So "it" is profound depression or hopelessness?

 

Basically.

When it happens, it puts me in such a state of mind that now -when I'm feeling more or less normal and okay- I can't even properly describe it or put myself in that frame of mind.

There are all the usual depression symptoms: insomnia, lack of appetite, a general melancholy, loss of interest in just about everything, etc. At best I feel 'okay', and even when I'm having fun I'm not really 'up'.

But at times there are these extremely intense bouts of hopelessness and deep depression, and the sense something bad is going to happen - along with an acute fear that I'll lose it, or this'll get so bad I become dangerous. They are generally somewhat short lived, but this most recent one lasted all night until I finally got to sleep.

And, well...that's that.

 

personally weed helps my anxiety attacks. if i am having one or feel my chest start to tense up i smoke and relax my body and feel better. when i was clean from drugs i would do yoga. i was also put on doctors medications which 1. made me sick 2. zombied me 3. had me acting like a piece of shit. i was still having anxiety attacks daily on top of that.
my brother has bad depression also. him and i have agreed psychedelics at least once a week helps stable us. you i do not know. but that is what i do. sorry you have this problem, it is a bummer, but it is now apart of you and unless you want to be doctor medicated you can learn to overcome the worst.

 

Grim, it's the cane man! Quit the cane! You can walk on your own! Some people don't even have fucking legs!

Say goodbye to your doctors. Flush your happy pills. If they don't prescribe magic they're not real witch doctors anyway and should be laughed out of town.

 

Hey Grim

Sorry you are blue...I have had my battles with depression. I have found what works for me is meditation and exercise; beats meds anyday.
I know meds work for some, but I found them to erase my personality not just the sad parts but the good parts too. I felt "blank". Also, so many side effects!!!
I think sometimes people do need help getting over deprssive episodes, but it seems as if our society has pushed us into thinking we should never be sad. Pain and sorrow are part of living. If it is affecting your life then seek help, try talking to a analyst, one that pushes self-discovery, not meds.
Good-luck!