i do not know where to begin. My memory is hash and it is all the fault of my ego! Crap! i haven't had a breakthrough of this quality since the 100-sided, geometric, red Faberge Egg trip . . . i haven't had a Beauty/Terror! trip since last December and that one floored me/caused me to abstain for a full 10 weeks from DMT - i hope this one does not have the same effect. i do not know if anyone else can understand this. i don't know if i can understand this. Languagizing it seems to destroy what sense it makes on a feeling front. Can there be a beauty so intense that it is terrifying? Hell yes!!! i think part of this response is my ego hanging on for dear life! i am trying to tell myself to surrender! Fuck, i am in the super-intense breakthrough space! It is too late! i should have surrendered years ago! When it's like this there should not be an "i." When there is an "i" and it's like this, the body load feels panicky overwhelming . . . i wanted to test my new batch with a full-on 50 mg load in my vaporgenie. But, fear stopped me. The vaporgenie has had some use, which means the six screens in it are potentially saturated with DMT residuum and the vaporgenie allows me to take in every single molecule (i have broken through on the vg with clean screens at 27 mg before!)! i had eaten meals heavily laden with MAOIs all weekend, including about an hour previous to the session. i placed a fresh bed of ground up banisteriopsis caapi leaves in the bowl and laid the crystal on top of that. So, i stopped at 42 mg (don't know why - it was one of those "possession" moments that frequently occur leading up to DMT use), then decided to add on another 25 mg of the THH (tetra hydro harmine) MAOI powder! Seemed like a good idea at the time, LOL. One monster hit, one decent hit, and one hit that showed almost no vapor let me know i got it all. Also, i was loosing it big time and barely got the pipe down. i sort of remember laying it down to the vision of endless pipe trails . .. then i fell back. i don't remember closing my eyes, arranging myself, taking a deep breath, etc. . . . i was just . . . . gone. Yet, not completely. Dammit. The surrender was not authentically down to the level of my soul! i was instantly in the breakthrough space, with the carrier wave (high pitched tinnitinitus screeching, urgent sound) screaming! i was surrendering on one level and resisting on another. i did not surrender to ego death. Fuck, the more i let myself think about this, the more trouble i got into. i didn't want to die! i knew this was a DMT trip that started at 10 minutes after the hour and for some reason hung on to that fact (stupid left brain!). LOL! Seriously, what can one say but LOL! i can be my own worst enemy. i was laughing out loud at myself as i was panicking. It was so intensely and radically beautiful, i really didn't want to open my eyes. i was on my back with my palms up and arms spread - surrender position, but i was not blasted out of my body. i felt my hands begin to seize up arthritically into twisted knots. i tried abdominal breathing and wound up panting. i laughed out loud - this was my fault! i gasped - the beauty! i swore up a storm, filled with "Fuck!" and "Shit!" Great way to flex the well developed vocabulary while in hyperspace! (By the way it is worth noting: My husband sitter watched me thinking, "She's been in there a long time!" He heard NO gasping, no laughing and no expletives! Oh how i hallucinate, let me count the ways!) Well, i got through it without opening my eyes. i was in hyperspace for 11 minutes on the clock but it felt like about three years. i have lived over four decades. i know what three years feels like . . . My Inadequate & Shattered Memory of the Vision(s): Much of this is beyond my ability to describe with language and referring to our 3-D reality . . . The moment i closed my eyes i was in a beautiful and strange realm where the ground seemed somewhere between alive and liquid, yet it fulfilled the "stationary" role of bottom or ground in this space. This space was inhabited by beautiful entities that (this is going to be a lame, pale description - why do i try?) were synaestheticaly snake like. Everything in their realm was snake or spaghetti like. The strands were made up of beautiful, transforming, tryptamine, primary color patterns in beautiful swirls, slices, chevrons and scallops. The buildings (this place seemed countrified or subburb like.), what few there were were made up out of these snakes or tubes. The entities were made up out of these snakes or tubes . . . Everything was, except for the ground. The "adult" entities quickly surrounded me and constructed a "pen" made out of these pieces of moving, rainbow spaghetti, then brought their children out to show me off to. The energy, vibration and carrier wave were off the chart. Because of my panic and ego difficulties, i lost a lot of memories. i only have a few other pieces. After some time the snake scene broke up and i got thoroughly examined but in a friendly and curious way by entities that looked like they were made up of beautiful, rainbow, stacked, gigantic crystal monoliths. The crystal slabs came together to form "bodies" which overall were vaguely rectangular in shape. Finally, i was shown something wonderful, something beyond language and 3 dimensions. i have no idea what it was. i have no theories as to what it might mean to me. The best i can come up is: a spinning shadow image of a tesseract on a corner, made up of the brightest/intensest possible golden light . . . A tesseract is a hyperdimensional object. It is a 4-D cube. 1-D is a point. 2-D is a line. 3-D can make a cube. What's 4-D? Well, make a right angle from all the 3-D spaces/corners into hyperspace and you get a 4-D object, a tesseract. All we can imagine here in our 3-D realm is what the "shadow" of a tesseract would look like. The tesseract is a 4-D object, but we are 3-D beings, so we would only be able to see it's "shadow" (like the beings in Flatland). Here's what that shadow is supposed to look like (examine the geometric images): http://www.google.com/images?hl=en&...q=tesseract&gbv=2&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai= i don't understand it, but i think i experienced a golden light tesseract. i didn't see it. i couldn't as i only have experience seeing in 3 dimensions. But, i experienced it in all it's 4th dimensional glory! Wish i had better words and memories. The snake beings, the crystal beings and the tesseract were breathtakingly beautiful. So beautiful, it felt painful. How sad to write such a thing, but it is truth as far as i can determine for me. A beauty so incredibly intense as to inspire terror in a being with anything remaining (even a shred) of intact ego . . .Almost like to be alive, to be a separate ego from such a beauty is wrong, goes against all that is right in nature and the Universe. Okay, time to stop as it's turning into a weird rant. Peace & Love, Spicey Cat Meow!
Great report spiceycat, you go into great detail for these truly unexplainable experiences and I always enjoy reading your dmt trip report. The tesseract gift must have been something pretty crazy to experience.
WOW, don't know if I should be further intrigued by this substance or in fear of it. I'm guessing a balance of both. You did a good job of verbalizing the ineffable, especially so soon after landing
Wow! What an amazing description. All these beautiful things I read and hear about DMT help to ease the apprehension I feel of its intensity. I can't wait until I have some experience under my belt so I can share these experiences with you seasoned DMT trippers. Spicey, I know how frustrating it is to not be satisfied with your own description of your trips due to the constraints of human language, but you sure do paint a pretty picture for me of what it might be like. In my travels I've been shown things I never knew existed or were possible inside the human mind, and I know this applies full well to DMT and I can hardly wait to see what it will show me. Wow!
Thank you for this (identifying it as a gift). i hadn't thought of it that way and clearly that is what it was. i got a gift presented synaesthetically right into my hands once before, but it was awful so i think i'm having trouble recognizing the good ones when they are presented, . . .
