I'm a 21 yr old male virgin, how do I get over my insecurities?

I'm new to this forum and was looking for advice.


Basically I've been a fat shy insecure loser my whole life, however when I started college, I lost a lot of weight and put on some muscle and lift regularly, and surprisingly been getting a lot of attention and even people both male and female say I'm good looking, cute, sometimes hot. I'm still pretty shy and introverted, so I'm not much of a talker, and I think people think I'm an asshole or think I'm too cool for them? Which isn't really true. I get attention now from pretty attractive girls but I donno if they're being friendly or are sexually interested? I'm pretty clueless.

All my friends are having sex regularly except me, and I feel like an outcast. Even tho I look great with clothes on, I still have a little bit of moobs and I'm a grower not a shower.

I don't know what to do to get over my insecurities of having sex. I tried two times, but was too nervous and couldn't get it up, which shattered my confidence and I haven't tried for about a year and a half now. I was the kid who swam with his shirt on, plus from shaving my pubes incorrectly, I got a few brown marks on my pubic region, they've slightly faded but still there. Bad body image.

Anyways, I know I'm ranting a bit, but I'm just wondering what I should do to get over this? The harshest criticism is fine. Anything to get me to snap out of this. I think more so than my bad body image from being fat my whole life (I still am slightly, but everyone says i'm not so maybe I have a bad perception of myself) is the performance anxiety that killed my confidence, so I'm afraid to have sex again because that might happen again. Help please? At work girls show interest, but I don't want to not be able to perform again, and have a rumor go around and stuff. It's just all bad.

 

I think the very first thing you must realize is that your first time sex will probably not be all that satisfactory anyway. First time sex often is rather awkward. So the way to combat that situation is you either accept that your performance will leave something to be desired, or you learn other way to compensate for the poor potentially poor performance...or both of those.

I personally think having a loving partner truly helps. You're 21, it's not all that big of a deal to be a virgin at 21. For that matter, you lose your virginity when your time comes. You don't want to force this sort of stuff to happen, or else you'll just end up regretting it.

If you're not confident, boost it up some by reading up on sexuality books, learn how to please your partner in more way than just using your penis. And seriously, don't be afraid to talk to your partner! Communication is the most important aspect in any relationship as far as I'm concerned. If you're receiving compliments, then people obviously think you are at least decent looking. Just be chill about your looks.

As for your pubis region... I don't think you need to really worry about those marks. You got them from shaving. If you're not comfortable, then tell your partner beforehand that you have marks there. If she ever leaves you because of that, then forget her. You deserve someone better.

Just a little advice, if one can call it that, from a 34 year old virgin currently in a very happy relationship with an amazing girl.....

 

I appreciate the advice. That really helps a lot.

Thing I gotta ask though man is 34? How have you gone that long without sex?

 

Don't dwell on sex There's other things in life that are far more significant.

 

If you fall off the horse, just get back on the horse.

There's nothing anybody can say here that can help you, you need to just get out there and try it again- you will eventually be fine. I think it's important to remember that you're having sex with another person, a girl you're attracted to no less

spend more time thinking about that, than thinking about your pecker. Seriously, you're over thinking getting an erection and that's why you can't get one, instead think about the beautiful naked woman in front of you.

It sounds crude, but it's not supposed to be. If i'm honest I had the same issue when I was just starting out, and that's how I looked at it and it worked.

As for body image, the smallest things only you will notice. Trust me, there.

 

Damn, that's what I was hoping for when I made the post. But you're right. I think I targeted it down to my body insecurities leading to me overthinking what the girl is thinking of my body which lead to performance anxiety.

The thing is the 2nd girl I "attempted" to sleep with had an amazing body naked, and that lead to me being insecure because I couldn't compare. What goes through a girls head when you get naked? If I don't look as good, is that going to lead to bad sex?

Btw thanks for the advice everyone I really appreciate it.

 

Dont make the mistake of assuming the girls think like you do. They dont have any comprehension about performance anxiety like you do, you cum too early you worry about being a crap lay, they cum too early they worry about appearing too desperate. Its two very different types of anxiety

Same kind of thing with this question above, you are not a girl you dont have a uterus you, you cant get into their head as to whats really getting them going, what you look like naked or if your belly is bigger than theirs is irrelevant if its hairy knuckles, big hands and big arms thats getting them going...or if its your eyes that turns them on the most, you dont even have to be naked for that



Also consider the exact opposite of what you are saying:

1)Your friends are getting more sex more regularly - are you sure, or are they all just saying that, if they are, maybe you arent as horny as all them, maybe your are just a lot more pickier. Maybe you really like the fantasy but couldnt really be bothered with the act itself.

2) You are a fat insecure loser, its easy then, just find a female fat insecure loser, stop being so picky, trying to bat above your average all the time.

You are a fat insecure loser - or is that just the excuse you tell yourself so you dont have to worry about commitment issues, come to terms with the fact that you hate people more than they hate you, or with some of these girls you arent really interested apart from sex


Still a virgin at 21, Is that normal? No average is about 17, which puts you on the far right side of the bell curve. What does that mean? That you arent like the majority in that regard. How does it matter? Well you werent the guy that got his girlfriend knocked up at 18 couldnt afford college and went on to be a refrigerator technician

 

Honey, foreplay is pretty important here... if you get a girl excited enough before you get naked, even if the way you look is true or all in your head, she won't care. All she sees is this guy who has her incredibly excited and who wants her and she wants him.

My fiance was 24 and a virgin when I met him (18 and a virgin as well). He is tall and a bit bigger and was completely self concious of what he looked like to me. But it didn't matter at all to me cause of what he could do and how he treated me. He treated me like a princess and he was very good with foreplay and in sex. You tend to not notice little things like weight and "moobs" when you're being pounded hard... just saying

 

It depends entirely on whether she is handcuffed to anything or not.

 

I don't like the noise handcuffs make when dragging along metal bedframes. Leather straps are like angel noises on my ears.

 

Trust me dude if you have a bod like you say now, even with a little moob action, you got nothin to be ashamed of. As far as the grower not a shower, im the same way and if you think about it, even if she if she sees you before your hard and thinks your a little short, think of the suprise she'll get when shes expecting a pencil and gets a tree.

 

That really hit home with me. See, all my life I've been an introverted shy guy, and it wasn't til college that I really started being more outgoing and more sociable with people, but in highschool I actually let myself go and gained like 80 lbs when I was in good shape before. I guess I got depressed. But I just became a mess and no one ever asked if I was alright or needed to talk to someone, not even my parents. I was already shy and had trouble making friends prior til that.

I just can't form real relationships with people and I've been to counseling but it didn't really help. I think you're right, that that's an excuse to tell myself. If people tell me I'm a good looking person now, then why am I still at home 99% of the time? It's weird because I go to work and get along with everyone and am talking to people and being social, then go home and just sulk into depression and want to just disappear. But I appreciate the advice man, atleast I'm not that dude that has a kid at 18 (no disrespect to anyone here who does).

Haha I like that . That was actually something I was concerned about, like I'm rolling around really close to a girl, and the whole time I'm thinking about how she feels up close against my body. Does she care that she's pressed up against a little fat? Does she care that her boobs are touching some moobs? I think that's the only part of my body I'd want to change. I went to get a consultation for lipo but it costed 6k and I couldn't afford it. But if you put it that way, who cares what I look like if I give it to her good right? Damn I like that. That's a good way to put it.

Well people ask me about working out advice, because I think I have some muscle but theres still a bit of fat over it (I went from 225 to like 165). So I look good with a shirt on, but when I take it off, you see the fat. and also, LOL at pencil to tree. For sure I'll keep that in mind.

 

First off, you're welcome!

Now to answer your question... Well I guess my time hasn't come yet, LOL. Prior to my current girlfriend I've dated three other girls. Only one out of those three, I had a long term relationship with. She was a virgin and wasn't ready for sex. And I've never been one to force my partner into it or break up with her just because she wasn't ready. By the time she started toying with the idea of losing her virginity, I was starting to have doubts about our relationship due to the differences in our personalities. I probably could have still had sex with her and broken up with her after, but I just felt that would hurt her more. I couldn't allow that to happen so, out of respect for her and myself, I let her virginity be....then we split.

I think I'm also naturally patient about it too, lol. I have these extremely corny and disgustingly cute ideas about my first time sex, hahahah. I'm going to lose my virginity when I'm 35 or older because that's most likely the soonest I would be able to meet my soulmate in person(she lives like on the other side of the planet basically, LOL). Oh well, at least I'm happy, lmao.

 

practice practice practice.
it will be embarrassing
it will be messy
it will be awkward
find someone that is willing to put in the time, teach, and not judge. they're out there.
also, don't keep searching, they will find you.
learning the difference between flirting and friendliness is a problem that most guys have. it is an art that is to be master through lots of practice.

 

rub em out

 

I wish people wouldn't worry about when they begin having sex. If you've read much on HF you should know that 19 or 20 is the average. So you're 21 - BFD. Do you think that there are not females out there your age who are thinking the same thine but don't want some egocentric bozo inside them who want to sate their own ego. Be cool man. It will happen.

Very few decent dudes wind up without someone who care about them. Pumping til it feels good is one thing. Holding someone you love is something else altogether. I'm 62 - sex at 19 or 20.
That's why god made your hand to fall where it does.
Believe me, sex will come and if it is accompanied by love - you have wasted no time whatsoever in satisfying the "need". Hang in there man. What you have in store is so special that few of us can comprehend.

 

When there is chemistry and attraction there, its not really going to matter one bit what you look like naked. Chemistry between two people is an unexplainable force that has absolutely nothing to do with your body's perfection or lack thereof. When I'm really into a guy, I'm not sizing him up the first time we get naked. I'm tuning into him, vibing off of him, loving what it feels like to have skin to skin contact, but I'm certainly not looking for flaws. Good sex has nothing to do with looks. Attraction should be there, of course, but attraction isn't solely based on what a person looks like.

I actually find that the best looking guys are the worst in bed because they've never had to try that hard.

 

buy a hooker and get that awkward first time out of the way.

also, be loud. girls tend to think loud chubby guys are muscular and sexy, because if they were just chubby they wouldn't have the confidence to be loud.

 

Don't stress it. While youre an outlier as far as the average there are tons of people who are even older whove never done it. Just take your time, breath, and relax. Enjoy the moment. If she really likes you, you'll get plenty of practice.

 

Go to a hooker, she knows what shes doing and you dont have to give a fuck about what she thinks, shes in it for the cash and you want a confidence boost and some practice. Should get ya over the initail hump