Angst about long distance, cross-generational relationship

I feel like I'm handling this the right way, but I still feel awkward about it all.

I'm 50 and dating a 24-year-old guy in a city 300 miles away where most of my family lives. He was the initial pursuer, and I've always been honest about my age. The thing that bugs me is communication problems.

Earlier this month, he went to New York for September 11. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. We chatted on line, and I asked him if he was going to stay anywhere nice. He ignored the question. Eventually after he got back home, he said that he just spent the night wandering around with his backpack, "meeting people all night."

We're in an open relationship, so I'm not bugged about the possibility or probability of him having sex. We talked specifically about that issue when we last saw each other. My worry was about his safety wandering around all night in a city he was visiting for the first time.

In another online conversation, I asked him how things were going for him as a university student. Again, no answer; he simply changed the subject.

My hunch is that things are not going well at university for him. Last night I sent him a message calling his attention to the lack of an answer to the question and added that it makes me worry when he doesn't answer questions; I tend to assume bad things. I added that I don't freak out easily but I do forgive easily.

My concern is that I'm seeing a pattern here. What's the best way to deal with this?

 

The best way is to figure out what you want, then deal with that.

 

I do not think this is a gay issue nor is it a distance issue or an open relationship issue. I think it is more an age issue.

You are approaching this from a perspective and the experience of a 50 year old and he is answering the way a 24 year old does who does not want to answer an adult.

I am not saying that you project that but possibly he perceives that.

Most 24 year olds would think it was a great adventure to back pack for a night like that. He knows most adults (that dreaded over 30's) would think not.

Asking about school you are again being the adult figure. That is something a grown up asks you.

I think you have the best of intentions and you may have to speak to him and explain it is concern not taking over.

Wish you the best of luck with this and I hope it works out.

 

Heat is dead on correct I believe. I'm a parent of boys in that age range and get stonewalled in just this manner when the guys decide they don't need parental questions. I can also easily remember my own attitude at that age. Despite the best intentions of adults who inquired about my well being I simply felt I was able to manage my life just fine without their concerns. Some young people have the wisdom and grace to listen to more experienced people and avoid problems. A lot of younger people feel a need to have direct experience. Regardless of how accurate or well intended your advice it may well be ignored or worse, resented.

 

I disagree with heat on some things because mainly I ignore those questions when I'm hiding something bad, but that's just me.

 

have yall actually met in person yet?

 

Yes, Kyle Cutie. We have met.

 

I once dated someone 14 years older than me, which isn't as big of an age gap but i can still relate as much as a straight female can relate to a gay couple.

He always liked to ask about my "money situation." I didn't think it was any of his business, but from his perspective he probably assumed that two people in a relationship should be aware of each other's financial situation. I always answered like a sullen teenager, not because I was trying to hide anything, but because at 25 (well, i think i was 24 or 23 at the time) money just isn't something I give a lot of thought to, and its not something I spend a lot of time discussing with younger boyfriends.

While the backpacking situation never happened to me obviously, it sounds like exactly the kind of thing that would have started a fight with my older man. While you come from the perspective of worrying about his safety, your young boyfriend comes from the perspective that he's young and carefree and backpacking around NYC all night is quite the adventure.

As far as school goes, he probably is just trying to cover up the fact that he's not doing very well. But thats really none of your business. I would just let that one rest. If he flunks out of school he's going to do that no matter what you say. Nagging him about it will only breed resentment. All you can really do in that situation is tell him he's brilliant and build his ego up a little to give him motivation.

I think, from the perspective of a younger person, that the only way these may-december relationships can work is if the December respects the fact that the May is still discovering life and enjoying youth and freedom. This is why these relationships are often unrealistic; because December has long since moved past that stage in life.

 

Not all relationships were born the same.

Which is where you want to start defining your relationship with your bf.

Obviously, this is an open, buddy-style relationship. His school progress is really his business and his time in NYC is his, too. No doubt, this is what comes with such open, somewhat loose relationships.

If you agreed to enter into a closer, closely-knit relationship, you would be automatically assuming the parental role and thus exercising a different level of control, albeit at vastly different levels of responsibility, expense and power.

Agree between yourselves about your common direction for the future.

Are you looking forward to living together and sharing your daily lives together for the long term and do you have any plans how to get there, tho you may want to keep the relationship sexually open?

Or

Are you actually weekend buddies, who genuinely like each other, enjoy each other's company and want to spend quality time together when the opportunity presents itself.

Depending on your decisions about the nature of your relationship, define the legitimate concerns and questions as opposed to those that are not.

KD