Last year I found myself 16 and pregnant, and I spent a lot of time alone. The guy I conceived with was only around once during my pregnancy, and then after five months, I miscarried. Of course I was upset about it, because that life inside of me had died, but relieved that I was unattached. After the miscarriage, I began to miss a lot of school because I'd much rather be alone, walking around the forest, than spending time with people. I just told my mom I was sick, and she sure enough believed me (mainly because I started to lose weight from lack of eating- and I generally eat a lot). The thing was, I didn't unintentionally stop eating, nor did I get anywhere near anorexic thin. I'm eating normally again, and so that part is not really a big deal. Spending so much time connected with the earth, I began to explore alternative lifestyles, because I learned the earth is what I love the most (and for so many reasons, of course). My music style changed, and my typical Catholic high school girl personality did a 180. People started calling me a hippie, including my parents, and that's when it hit me how much I changed. I never thought of myself as one, but I'm not dwelling on it or anything because I like what I like and believe in what I think is right- and pronounce and own my opinions. Eventually summer rolled around, and I was gone for most of it- with my aunt and uncle on their farm in Colorado. They're kind of hippies I suppose. I opened up to my aunt about the pregnancy, and she really helped me work through a lot of it. I was happy, but an altered sense of happy. I still prefer to be alone, more than with people. Mainly because before, I've been burned a lot by friends, moved around a lot- stuff like that. Either way, I don't mind letting people into my life, if I feel as if we could have some sort of connection. I mean, in no way do I discriminate against anyone, because I feel like we're all in life together- I'm nice to everyone. But I suppose I mean, I'm looking for real life friend. Since I do live in the south, and I do go to a Catholic school, free thinkers are a bit hard to find. I don't mind where I am, either, but I mainly just keep to myself now because I'm not connected to my friends anymore. In countless ways, they've ruined our friendships (mainly calling me a whore after I had a miscarriage, trying to isolate me from other friends to make themselves seem more important or whatever I suppose) just really catty stuff. I accept it all for what it is, but I don't feel like putting up with it. I don't like to explain how I feel because its hard to get the thoughts out from my mind into sentence form. It makes it really hard because people (like my new boyfriend [he's a good boyfriend, too- treats me like a princess]) think I'm quiet because I don't want to talk to them. It's not that- I just like being inside my head because it's easier. Its not like I'm all that silent, either- I just don't feel like my words should be wasted, I suppose. Like I'd rather say a quality sentence, than something completely meaningless. I don't mind the meaningless stuff, either, I like to joke around and stuff as well. But if I don't feel the need to say something, I don't. What do I say? My minds always been in the clouds, anyway. Why are people getting so angry with me if I don't talk to them? I've explained it to them before, and I physically can't be in the moment anymore. I don't like the medications that I've been put on for ADHD/ADD (adderall and foclin and ridilin- I've been on most of them since I've been little), because they make me feel depressed, so I stopped taking them, and I'm learning how to tune into stuff on my own. I went to an outdoorsy "hippie" camp this summer, and I was understood there. People let me be who I am, accepted me and I made friends- so I know it's not my problem. What do I do though? This year, I've lost the majority of my friends. I know its high school and it eventually ends. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Its hard to go from having a lot of friends, to none. I'm realizing some of the true friends I did have, have been telling my secrets to other people (which is why I'm a "whore"- for having sex ONCE, with a guy I had been talking to for a good eight months). I'm lost. Sorry this is so long! Just a lot of stuff to say. Any advice??
friends to me have always been quality over quantity. I was suspended from my college and now watch my friends mostly move on with there lives over facebook so understand how odd and debilitating it is to have one action cast you aside from all of the action. you're right you're at the end of your high school experience. it seems to me that you might be better fit somewhere else or at the very least living in other places will make you appreciate your hometown. I hope you either go work in the more liberal, populated places of America or go to college somewhere new where you can meet people who are and others who adore a taciturn earthy thinker.
Sorry to hear that you are having such troubles. You have a good boyfriend now at least, and high school will soon be over. Spending some time now more to yourself is not necessarily a bad thing. Being completely cut off would be more of a problem. If you are planning to go to college after graduation, you have some time now to pick out a place that would be a good match for you. It is interesting to me to note that you seem to show characteristics similar to what is called the "water" type in five-phase theory (imaginative, likes to spend time alone, likes to think, defender of the truth as you see it, non-conformist). Probably a lot of hippies fit into this category.
People suck. I would not call you a whore and am happy that you are capable of getting in touch with your inner self. You will probably find some people here who you can get along with. Even though you might not have friends right now like you said it is high school and just a stage in life. HUGS If you ever want to talk about anything feel free to hit me or anyone else that you come across on here up most of us are level headed.
Well what an interesting read that was. I totally know what your saying about feeling like your mind is in the clouds. and about how sometimes you are not super talkative. and how sometimes you just enjoy being in nature and not always around people. I myself feel all those same exact things that you feel. I always go camping with family and friends but I have always though about going deep into the wilderness and camping by myself for a week or two and I mean deep wilderness and live wild man style. I know survival techniques. Yeah it's hard to find peaceful people who just enjoy each other presence and existence. I still have yet to find a group of very relaxed kind welcoming individuals who can just go out into the woods and kick it at a chill location. I am at a very high state of meditation and I almost never get bored. I can sit and chill in the woods and be at peace and in my mind and enjoy ever moment of it. I get what you mean though about it's hard to explain how a mind works in words.
