I'm about to go insane.

oh yeah that is a right idea, i normally have a good amount of benzos and sleeping pills for (drug) uncomfortable situations.

that sounds dirty. before you did psychs did you have any abnormalities or maybe previous "disorder" you could have been born with? anyway, no matter what, they aren't a big deal until you make it a big deal. one again, how i feel, is that with those mental disorders if you figure how to control them you are (maybe not ok but) better then you would be without.

why do you not think you should have done the mushrooms alone? also what was your purpose in doing these psychs? and what have you gotten out of it? also do you plan to do more? you seem like you're holding yourself in cave of fear eh? i don't know you so that may be off, i am just in an assuming mood i guess.

dude yeah i want to know what he is on also! i was thinking ether. dude was wobbling!

 

that vid made me lmfao. i think he was on alcohol mixed with something.
and u see that guy in the white shirt at the end? god i fuckin hate people like that that'll see a situation and pretend to ignore it if the person or if other people are watching but when they walk away they're all over it. god fuckin pet peeve of mine

 

I always end up losing my stash of benzos. Either when I am low on cash or when I'm MEGA bored...

Yup, I have always been a scardy cat. Before I did psychs I would always have this DEADLY fear of posoness gases in the house, robbers ocming in and killing the whole family, fires, tornadoes.. Hell, even the earth blowing up seem like nothing abnormal.. Now, after using psychs its more abstract reasons to be scared.. Actually honestly by talkig about pre and post psych use I think you are getting me somewehre with this, thanks! I know I should be able to control it but I honestly can't.. I try and I try, but just the shear fact of trying, makes me think of even worse things, hell the shear fact of the shear fact of thinking of worse things leads me to think of even worser things.. Its fucked up.

I forced myself to fall asleep I was so scared, I saw death face to face next to my bed, and even when I closed my eyes I saw his face, and it wouldn't go away it was as if his face was taped to the back of my eye lid, and I hardly remember, but I know I forced my eyes shut and kept them shut until I woke up the next morning.. I don't know when or how the face dissapeared though..

My purpose, to see what happens, its just absolutely fascinating, plus out of my trips with other people, and during the day time(The good ones) I always end up seeing or learning something about me that I never knew, like I'll fix up a personal problem like laziness or realize I'm being a dick to people or realize how I can improve myself with people.. I became less selfish because of them, because I accepted some people have a higher level of thinking than I do even though it seems like I have an inffinate thinking level according to my brain because what I think seems smarter because its the highest my brain can think anyways.. That kinda thing..

Of course I plan to do more. Lol

And yeah I feel like it, I get too scared..

MAYBE! didn't think of that one, I wonder what he was saying to the people.. Lol

 

Me too, like when teachers try to suspend you because you lied to them about witnessing a drug deal(This really happened to me) And then they act like it never even happened the next time you go in there.. Its a good and a bad thing at the same time.. But COME ON!

 

People who are clinical and professional about everything really push my buttons.

 

i have my fears but they do not come anywhere near where yours come to you. they are small, and i am not actually sure if they are classified as fears since i am not completely... fearful... just baby sometimes. uhhhhhh death face, i dig. i used to have anxiety things like that too but not in a very long time. anxiety can drive you crazy, especially while you have your brain all wide open. all in all, you are doing it.

good luck with yourself

 

doing what?

 

:willy_nilly: bugging yourself out

 

and sorry for keeping you up all night lol

And what anxiety did you used to have all the time? Or like what happened.. And my brain isn't wide open, I just like try to open it more... But I don't know if it really is or not because maybe someone else used to think like this and moved on, seeing my thoughts as immature.. Thats what I'm saying..

 

I am, who flaps their arms in real life because they 'think' they are lucid dreaming.. Lol I seriously felt that light feeling you get in lucid dreams if you have done it before.. Like that feeling where you can just jump and float.. I had that feeling but it didn't work.. It was really strange, I still wanna find out what caused that because I don't know if bugging myself out explains it..

 

i'm keeping myself up lol

uhh i don't know when i was little i could not go to the bathroom alone i thought there was some sort of vampire outside of the window, i would not be home alone without a knife, i would not pass the dark dining room at night thinking there was some vampire in there. uhh i still run up the basement stairs, i always did when i was younger because it seems like the perfect scenario to be chased by some sort of thing and get pulled by the ankle.
i have never had a problem with vampires, i wasn't scared of the vampire, i was scared of the neck puncture maybe.

still sometimes i have a spiritual fear that comes upon me, it happens VERY rarely, and i really cannot talk about it because it has only happened a couple of times and i am not completely sure what is going on yet.. there are too many factors that have to be organized und sorted with that part of my mind.


what else... i mean in high school i would have social anxiety because i am untolerable of many. but that is not *the fear* that is just me being complicated.



yeah dude i am sure many people have been where you are.. many people are where you are, and lots are told to go to a doctor, get put on meds, live on the meds, think it is something that is WRONG with you.. when i mean.. it isn't necessarily.






oh and flap your wings all you want, i don't know exactly what you were thinking but like sure i will do that maybe if i am feeling that i want to fly. i am sure i wont fly, but why not do it anyway? it get it out of my system.


and listen to this song while you read
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTtXVrANEhU"]YouTube - syd barrett

 

Uh oh, is that because of drugs or because your so interested in this conversation? I can tell you one thing, there is going to be many many begs for caffein gum, and caffein pills, and coffee tomorrow. I already have one caffein pill waiting, my coffee, and a couple bucks for some freaking soda, I already know this is an all nighter because I maybe got 30 minutes of sleep.. Yes that whole WILD dreamy thing started with 30 minutes of laying down...

Hmm, sounds a lot like me! Not the vampire thing, completely different. Mine was murderers.. And robber lurking in my closet wating for me to go to bed.. A meteor coming to earth. Knives didn't help me, I was NEVER christian. But. When I was young I prayed. Lol I didn't necessarily believe in god, but it some how gave me security, and led me through the night somehow.. Still do it on occasion, doesn't work as well anymore though =/

LOL I still run up the stairs too!!! I don't know why either, only at night though. Haha I always feel like something is watching or behind me and the stairs seem like a perfect escape route.. I don't know why but what you said is pretty much identical to what I do lol

Hm, thats weird, I don't really understand if you don't say anything about it though lol, but its cool if you don't wanna talk about it, theres a lot of things I don't like talking about, but its weird because on the forums I always end up saying it just to get it figured out.. Haha

Yeah me too, I only have two or three people I can hang around because everyone else thiks I'm crazy or a drug addict(Obviously not the kids who do drugs, but the kids who don't). But hell they may be right on the crazy thing..

Tell me about it.. My mom sent me to a psychologist because she thought I was depressed, and she was right, I pretty much was, but the feeling only stays for anywehre from a day to a month, then goes away for a day or a month.. Lol weird how that works.. And I can't even talk to my psychologist because I REALLY don't want to get put on ANYTHING.. I wouldn't even take my drugs.. I would lie, say I took them and probably sell them or give them away, which could end up getting me in trouble which I don't want obviously..

Lol and the reason why is because the second or third time I lucid dreamed I had to flap my arms to fly because I was learning, and I had that similiar feeling, so I flapped away looking like a pcp addict standing on the rail of a balcony.. -.- Oh well no one saw ;D

 

And that song really hit the spot Good job lol

 

i never felt any security in the christian god that i was raised to know.
and i mean if i do not understand yet how do you expect you to understand? no point in speaking of it in depth when it will not do me much good, it is much more then typing a bit. and i am not looking for a maybe answer when it comes to this, i have to find my definite. but thanks for the interest.



why do people think you're a crazy drug addict


yeahh i got sent to a psychologist when i was about 15. i was depressed, i still am depressed, but i mean these doctors aren't going to do anything about it. they can talk to me, i can talk to someone else. they can give me meds, i can take them recreationally. they can tell me what is right, and i leave because from my experience they try to mold some new person out of you like you're some sort of wondering soul. i am not dumb, and was not that stupid at the time being. and i am not now lol that is why i choose to not go to one.
my depression has to do with me. my anxiety has to do with me. i wont blame it on anyone, or sugarcoat it with words or pharmaceuticals to mask it or whatever. i gots to grow.

you were learning what???????????/ LOL !!! wow hahahaha. that is crazy. not sorry i am loling though.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEJW6wwAuDc"]YouTube - 9/4 The Ladies

Watch this while reading or posting, it explains it also..

Exactly.. Lol its all just a giant mindfuck.

 

whoever made that is a 20s-30s film mastermind and... amazing wow what in the world... .. . . . .. . . i cannot believe i have never seen it before. woahs.

 

I didn't either, I thought it was bullshit, hated going to church.. I think. Its weird, but I think that I was just like subconsiously talking myself through the problem, and masking god as myself. Because since I started writing this journal it helps at the same amplitude that praying did at that age. I even have written on the front of the journal "The only person who understands 'ME' is myself, so here it goes I guess..."

That was a good point! Lol I wish you luck, I've ha similiar problems.. Nothing a high dosage of mushrooms can't fix

People think that because I will be telling a story to someone about 'how hard I was speeing' or 'how chill opium is' or something retarded and those non drug users who odn't understand will walts around telling people that acid and crap is addictive, and that since I do it, I'm a drug addict. Lol stupid..

True, its REALLY annoying because my mom will tell him whenever I get busted for some drug related issue with her, and then I gotta talk to him about all the stupid drug bull shit.. God.. She NEVER tells him anything else.. Only drugs.. I hate that, they aren't THAT big of a deal when it comes to talking to my psychologist.. I just need to get the issues out of the way, not the solutions

Its true, I just stopped complaining because its my own issue and no one else will or ever will understand 'my issues' So I just need to try myself, the only thing a doctor is doing is telling me too figure it out through their methods, screw their methods, my own are the only ones that will keep me open.. I think.. Lol

I was learning to fly god damnit, there is just some dreams where I can fly, and some where I can't.. Lol I've only done it like 5 times though, just started

And its okay I kinda giggled after I saw myself flap my arms in real life..

 

Lol your right, I know its weird as hell, they are catchy though their whole album is like that lol they are called 'balkan beat box' check em out :3

 

I cant beleive I read this whole thread

 

I can't either.. That was REALLY weird though guys, I seriously felt the rush from WILD lucid dreaming, I'm sure some of you know what I am talking about, the intense falling, pressure feeling. But when I woke up in realy life, I felt lucidity.. I can't really explain, but I felt the weightlessness like in lucid dreams, you know where you can just lift off the ground and float around. I felt that, but it WAS real life.. It REALLY messed with my head A LOT! Seriously.. That was more strange than any drug experience I have ever had. .WEll kinda.. To an extent. The most bizzare I could possibly get being sober and awake with my eyes open for sure..