Need advice from Bisexuals...Long one!

Hi Guys,

Basically my partner of 4 years and 2 children later has just told me that he thinks he is Bi. Emphasis on the word 'think' as this may be a complicated one. He loves the thought of cock, especially sucking it but he has done this before and was physically sick after it?? He 'says' he hasnt been there since but has fantasised about it. Yet he actively seeks out gay chat on the internet with other men? He says I am always there and dominant in the fantasies which are mainly about threesomes with another man. We have always had a very good sex life and explored a lot of things, to an extent I dont have a problem with this if it is a fantasy but I think he's really wanting to act upon it which I'm not happy with, just doesnt turn me on seeing him get done by another bloke, in fact it turns me off completely and makes me walk in the other direction. But but no means am i asking him not to do that if thats what he wants out of life, it just cant be with me?!? I am totally monogamous.

He says that he doesnt physically want to be with a man and have a relationship, he just doesnt look at men and think Pwoooar, its just all about the cock, his fantasy men do not have a face, its just a cock? I say...how do you know you dont like men if you havent tried it enough? He says he knows he wants me? Cant stand or bare the though of me with someone else. He says if we ever did act upon his 3some desire he would go mental afterwards at the though of another man even touching me and disgudted and sickened by the fact he has got so physical with a bloke. Yet during these fantasies he loves it and loves that im dominant and actually myself tell him to take it up the rear!

So....is he Gay? Bi? I love him dearly and really want to support him through this and be there. I imagine it to be quite a difficult thing to come out with and admit. But he doesnt know whats going on, and I selfishly needs answers, either 1. to move on myself and support him as a friend. Or 2 to accept this (if he can resist the need for real cock for the rest of his life) and this is him and be there for him that way. Im not a prude, very open minded, not judgemental at all but I do know that I am straight and would not want to share my partner with be it a male or female!

Has anyone been through the same or can anyone shed any light on this matter? Normally i can put myself in other peples positions but im struggling hard on this one and its starting to do my head in. 12 hours sleep in 3 days, a 3 year old, 3 month old and a teen girl....feel wired!

At the end of the day I'm asking you lot questions only he can answer but feel he's not being totally honest either in denial to himself or wanting to spare my already tramplled on feelings and lighten the load, which ultimately would only hurt more in the long term!

 

If all he wants is a cock, would you consider a strap-on? That's the only thing that I can think of. And although everyone should try to be emotionally supportive, you have to remember you in all this. Don't just let him drag you along in this. You deserve the answers that exist somewhere inside his head. You deserve to be told the truth. And he should really come to terms with the fact that fantasies are just fantasies, and very rarely turn out anything like what you think they'll be. He needs to learn to separate fantasy from reality. Obviously, the last time he tried gay sex, he got a large dose of the real world, and that woke him up out of his little daydream for a while. But now it would seem as if he has to relearn the lesson.

 

Hi Toodles!
I'll take a stab at this one. I think he has a very common fantasy that I imagine most men have at some point in their lives. I myself struggle with the same thoughts all the time. Fantasizing about men and cocks and sucking and fucking are such a turn on and then when reality shows up, kind of freaking scary and unrealistic.
I've been married twice and both wives (I'm still marries to #2) know about my fantasy life. But it is pure fantasy.
With my first wife, she was very turned on by it. She was very much the aggressor in the relationship and loved strapping on a cock and fucking me with it.
My current wife is very passive and not into that, but we watch bi and gay porn on occasion and rather enjoy ourselves.
I don't know how this helps you, directly, but hopefully you can come to terms with this fantasy of his and realize it's part of who he is.
You were open enough to come onto this bisexual forum and try to get some answers, perhaps you'd be open to exploring with him? Together, I mean, if you are not comfortable bring someone else in, I wouldn't blame you at all, I feel the same way, but perhaps this would open up some new fun experiences? haven't you just once, wanted to be the aggressor to the extent of making your husband suck YOUR cock for a change?
Might be fun!
This is not earth changing stuff, just sex!

 

I think it is horrible that you are considering leaving him because he is fantasizing. You seem very selfish and like you don't care about him much at all.

 

I don't agree at all with Duck on this one. I don't get the feeling that you're even really considering leaving him, but you just don't know what to do. So, for the oppositely drastic point. You are a human being, and your husband should consider your feelings more. You carried his children! And now he thinks that he can run off with some guy in his head!?!? Ungrateful swine! Yeah the hell right! You deserve better. Just voicing an opinion, to balance out the hurt that Duck may have made you feel. You definitely don't need to be kicked when you're down like that.

 

IDK what insights I can add.

From my personal experience, I was actively making love to men before hooking up with my wife and she was aware that there was a part of me that she could not satisfy. I only had a few dalliances in the two decades we were together.

So it is all dependent on the attitude of each partner as each of us have a very personal perception of relationship and sexuality. Sounds like your husband is curious and hesitant and perhaps conflicted, IDK about such conflicts, having come to grips with my own love of men after a first guilt-ridden connection. And, I am oral and not into receiving anal. (But I was a top when young and much appreciated by gay guys in New Orleans).

All I can say is keep the discussions going, try to find out what your husband really wants and see if you can countenance that. Maybe pegging by you will do. Worth a compromise if it does, but he likely wants a real guy to do him, even tho he wants no relationship with a guy.

My wife and I had sexual experiences with others before we hooked up, and having sex out of marriage was not a deal breaker - tho she was not inerested in a 3-way or swapping. She just liked being fucked by me.

Like I said this is a very personal decision that the two of you have to come to grips with somehow. Keep the communication open.

 

Just going by what she's saying.

As if the husband your kicking isn't down?

The way I see it; the husband is having a crisis and she's looking for an exit rather than trying to help him.

 

Maybe you should read what you have underlined there. It says support. He's thinking about other guys, and you actually just expect her to support him???

And as if he's facing a tough time! He's on top of the freaking world over there with his perfect little family, and super-understanding, overly-caring and selfless wife, and is he grateful??? No, he's a pig, and he wants more. Fuck that. He should be thanking not just his wife, but god or some higher power every day for what he has! No sympathy for ingrates.

 

This was a red flag.

Not all girls think like you do, in fact most dont.

Whole post sounds like you are more concerned with his masculinity than sexuality

Girls in your situation, a lot more common than you think, as is the reverse, guys dealing with bi wives

There is one advantage, you arent posting in the womens forum complaining you think your hubby is cheating on you with other girls.

But if its a MAN you need, this is only going to get worse. Dominating all the time usually means you are the one doing all the work. Usually leads to being the one initiating most of the time, which you will end up resenting.

Or you could spend the next ten years with a guy that constantly races home from his builders job to ravish you

I suspect if this guy was ( to use the old language) a 'top', this thread wouldnt exist, it would be you doing the organizing and you'd make yourself popcorn

 

Thanks guys for all your advice and support. Duck, I think you were a bit harsh in what you said. I'm absolutely fine with this up until the point that he actually wants to go out and do it for real, and he's not even sure that thats what he wants. Like I said before, I want a faithful relationship and I dont want to have to share, thats just me and who I am and the morals and values I hold as a person?!?

Anyway, I showed him these forums last night and he sat and had a read through and says he feels utter relief to find that this isnt unheard of and that he's not gay! The poor bloke has been struggling for all this time and I'm glad now that he told me. There are still questions that I have but which he cant answer me. He says he doesnt want to actively go out and find one to suck, but if he was to pleasure himself and one randomly walked into the room then yes he would morethan likely suck it? What does this mean? But then if he did do it he would feel ashamed and disgusted with himself. I also suggested gay saunas to him, to see if this would help, he said no, he couldnt see himself actually going to one and i said if i went with you would you go and he said yes! Also, why, if he's already tried this nce before, and says he was sick afterwrds, does he still go back to that fantasy having tried it and not liked it? It's still all a bit blurred and confusing but im trying my best to really understand, not only for myself but for him too. Are there any more questions you lot think I should ask? He's also worried that our son might turn out to be the same, though cant give a reason why he wouldnt like that?

Thanks all once again, really appreciate your help, this is all new to me and I'm by no means a pro in such matters but willing to work through it.

P.s happy to try the strap on, happy to do anything in the bedroom really but only between us, wouldnt want anyone else involved. But thats just me.x

 

You are amazing toodles. Wife of the Year Award in my book. In the end, again, it's really just a fantasy thing, and he has to learn to separate that from reality. I mean, "how many of our dreams would become nightmares if they actually happened?" I love that quote. Definitely true. I don't think he should worry too much about your son. A. It's his life, and B. I don't think that there's any study showing any hereditary correlation in fantasized homosexuality, you know? The whole, "oh, if a guy walked in on me and wanted to do stuff, I'd do it" is definitely heard of. Because it would make it convenient. Things are easy when they're easy. It's good that he knows how he'd feel if it actually happened is different from how he pictures it. There have been so many times when I tried to chase a fantasy, only to then thank god or the Universe for stopping it from actually happening. I'd be curious as to how this all started. What prompted him to consider that he had sexual urges for guys, just the entire story from the beginning. From the very first feeling. And I'd definitely want to know the story behind the time he tried it and then got sick, if he'd share it. Maybe it would help you to get inside his head and figure out what's going on better. Good luck with everything!

 

You both need to be 100% honest about what you want and need out of a partner. If you can't accept his fantasies, you're a bad match. You can either make an attempt to change your own mind through therapeutic measures like individual and marriage counseling, or you can choose to be alone and try your luck meeting someone else. There are no perfect partners. There are only people you can love and accept and want to be with.

 

In my best Stewie Griffin voice "What the douche?"

 

I agree 100%. Good luck.

QP

 

Hooray Toodles!
Very much the adult way to handle this situation!
believe me, I know EXCACTLY how your bloke feels! I have for years cruised gay and bi sites, Craigslist, etc...thinking that my fantasy needs to become real at some point, but I can count on one hand the number of men that have turned me on when standing in the same room (obviously have not been in a room with Shale! Nudge, nudge, wink wink). Why such a range of difference? I know it has a great deal to do with my commitment to my wife, although, she would probably be ok with me exploring, I just know she would, but I think it is much more than that. I was a divorced man for years before I met my present wife and did not explore these fantasies in my state of freedom. They are fantasies.
So let's talk about the strap-on.
When my first wife discovered a stash of my gay porn magazines (remember when porn was in paper form?), she was quite turned on by the whole scenario. We decided to go shopping for a strap-on that day! The whole experience of shopping for the right one, the check-out girl knowing excactly what was going to happen was very hot. I fully recommend the experience. The rest was one of my all-time favorite sexual experiences, search my posts, I'm pretty sure I wrote about it here on these forums.
Believe me, you naked with a cock sticking out from a sexy leather harness around your waist is going to rock his world!

 

I am going through a divorce right now over this very issue, we have several other problems as well, but the deal breaker for my wife is the fact that I have discovered that I have a sexual attraction to men, and she absolutely cannot "wrap her head around the idea" as she puts it. She feels it is wrong and will not accept it, there are things about her that most people would find unacceptable, but I have accepted her as she is "unconditionally" not everyone can do this, so we are going to divorce anyway. If your marriage is "conditional" you will probably be like my wife and end it rather than accept your husbands differences, it,s up to you.

 

And a faithful relationship is thinking about the door as soon as your partner gets a little bit of identity crisis?
I agree that I was harsh, but I think it's well deserved.

Men have a hard time with impulse control when they are horny.

It's cognitive dissociation. It's very common with sexuality. Men want dominated because they have to dominate in their high end business jobs; some women want to be treated like a dirty slut even though their feminist; husbands obsess about their wife fucking someone else even though they want to be her one and only.

No. I think you need to stop asking for a little while and just make sure he knows you want to listen.

I think Vanilla Gorilla's post about masculinity explains much of that. The modern world has feminized men and attacked masculinity, and no one's very comfortable with it, including my probably bi, definitely somewhat feminine self.


Honestly, there are only a couple options:
-this is a phase
-this is a manifestation of some subconscious conflict
-your husband hasn't yet realized he's bi

None of them mean your husband has to go out and suck cock. I obsess about sucking cock myself, and my long term girlfriend is supportive of me, and though we may someday open up our relationship; that time definitely isn't now.

I just jerk off to men and blowjob porn (not necessarily gay) a lot.


And I know you are trying to be supportive, and respect that, as some women would be taking his kid's and half his money right now. But I just don't think there is much place for selfishness in companionship, and you seem more worried about you than him.

 

I really dont know what to do or think at the moment it's starting to do my head in a bit now as i havent had a moments peace, mentally, from it for 4 days now. OH has had years to think about this but its all very new to me. Maybe we need to professional help, like a councellor, to help us both understand this a bit more. Maybe with a bit more understanding, and massive reassurance from him, I could find myself to accept this and allow him to do it?

Lurd, he says he cant remember the exact moment he ever thought about cock but does say the thoughts have got more frequent since meeting me as our own sex life has been something he's never experienced ever before with anyone. He's also told me the story of the night something happened. It was basically a quick chat and arrangement with some bloke on some gay text thing, this bloke came and picked him up, went to the woods, did the deed, was sick, and the bloke dropped him home? Said it was over in no more than 5 mins. Thought of it now sickens him. Didntfancy the bloke at all. Doesnt want his own cock to be sucked just wants to give head? But saying that, he says seeing a naked man amkes him struggle a bit. I still feel he's not being totally honest with me somewhere and he finds it very difficult to answer some of my naturally curious questions. Ultimately, I think he wants me to accept this, and give my permission for him to go out and do it, which I'm sorry but it does disgust me a bit i find the whole, meeting up with randomers all a bit sordid and sleazy. And questions diseases and such.

Creedle, i could accept this if it was just a fantasy but he says he's not sure it is.

BigDan, i find reassurance in the fact that you yourself have these thoughts and are able to control them, however, OH has been unfaithful to me before with another woman, which took me a while to get over and come to terms with, it was while we were going through a rocky patch. So now with this new info, i think its starting to bring up all that again, and all that doubt and question the fact that if he cant stay faithful to me with women, who he doesnt fantasize about, then what chance does he have with these thoughts and very strong impulses? It may make me selfish Duck, but I do think that I deserve to have what I want and need in life too.

All i need right now is a big cuddle.

 

This little detail completely changes my thoughts on the subject. Just curious, why didn't you think to bring it up before?

In that case, I want to apologize for my harshness just a teeny bit.

It didn't take a craving for cock for him to cheat last time, and a craving for cock gives him no reason to cheat now.

I think if you can afford it; find a good sex therapist and go!
I don't see why you should have to let him do it.

Wait; his interests have been going on the whole time and he's only now telling you about it?



I'm going to be harsh again, but it's going to be different this time.

Do you trust this man?
Can you trust this man?
Should you trust this man?

And two easier questions:
How long have you been together?
Were things THAT bad in the relationship at the time that the cheating was somewhat justifiable?

And to think, I was sending out my love to your husband. I need to make a big apology; and tell you that you have my best wishes now.

 

Do I trust him - No
Can I trust him - Maybe if he put in a massive effort to prove to me that he can be trusted. But the word 'effort' seems to much for him and the easier option is to ignore it.
Should I trust him - I dont know, yes if i'm going to continue being with him.

The cheating, its been twice as far as I know, both times when I was pregnant with our 2 children. I suspect there is more though. And yes, they were during particularly low points to our relationship.x