Engaged...and fiancee may never leave his parents!!!

OK, I have been with my fiancee for a year...we have been engaged 6 months. We have sorta discussed our plans for the future but not at all like we should have. I am planning on going to school for a better career next year...he is not interested in school at all...but to each his own I suppose. We are totally opposite in every way possible...and I mean EVERY way...and every day I see how we are completly different...and that would be fine and dandy if it didnt bother our relationship...but I feel it is destroying it. We have different likes/dislikes, different opinions and approaches and different goals...yet we love each other. Recently the topic came up about marriage...when and how and where...meaning after we get married whats gonna happen. We both still live at home, I am 23 and he is 25. He got defensive and flat out rude and insulting when I gave the impression that I didnt like his idea of us getting married and living with his parents. When I asked him if he was ever gonna move out he said "I dont know". Yet he wants to marry me and have a family!!!! So he expects me to be ok with buying a big house to live with his parents and his 28 year old brother (who, by the way is still at home).?! I am sorry but that to me is WEIRD and not NORMAL. But he makes it sound like and I quote "I have something against family...I have no respect for his family." I tried to explain to him that I like his family and that thats not the point. He says he needs to be there for them and is not sure if he wants to leave them. Am I crazy and does anyone else think this is really weird?? What should I do?

 

be honest with him, if you don't want to live with his family then tell him. If you want to have your own house and you own family tell him. If living with his parents is unacceptable for you then you need to tell him that you will not even think about marriage until you have come to an agreement on housing. It is strange to want to live with your parents into adulthood. To me it is a sign of insecurity and weakness (Just my opinion).
If you are not willing to spend your life with a man that wants to live with his parents all his life then you should be honest and tell him how you feel and what you expect from him. Love and relationships are a 2 way street and if you get married to this guy without being comfortable with the situation then surely it will only get worse. And living with in-laws has potential to destroy things rather quickly.

 

Dud or Dude?

You have Door #1.

 

I'm wondering.. are his parents old or sick or sth like that? I mean.. in some cultures it's normal that at a certain age the kids start taking care of the parents more.. they start acting like 'nannies' to the grandchildren and all. I would be weirded out too, but I guess it would totally depend on the context. My previous boyfriend lived at home untill 26 which to me seemed pretty late (I moved out when I was 18 and have been living on my own ever since) but my biggest problem with that was that his mom was very dominating in the house.. she cleaned his room, washed his clothes, cooked etc etc.. while my current boyfriend lived with his single mom for a long time but she didn't bother too much with that stuff. She had a job and was very easy going and all. Although he lives on his own now (well, with his brother but still) his mom hangs around their place sometimes because she's just a bit lonely (she's not originally from this country and I think she missed like minded friends) and I'm fine with that.. I think I wouldn't mind her moving in with us in the future.. with certain rules though. I would have to be 'the woman in the house' and she would be like 'granny'.. you know? As long as you and him would be the 'main couple' it would be ok I guess.. but if not, you would be still treated like kids by his parents I'm afraid...

Difficult situation.. hm.. I'm wondering if I should make a comment on you wanting to marry a guy who's totally different than you and whom you've only known for a year. Could it be that you are second guessing your decision? If you go through with this, do you think you'll be content or will you be wondering what it would've been like to break up and look for that 'perfect match'?

Good luck sis *hug*.. it's a hard knock life sometimes

ps: even if you didn't want to live with his parents AT ALL.. that doesn't make you disrespectfull towards family matters or whatever he said. It's your life with your tradition etc as well.

 

I don't think you're out of line for not wanting to live with his parents and his brother. As much as I love my in-laws, it would be difficult to live with them.

To me, if you're still wanting to live at home once you are married, it can be a few things, such as maybe he's afraid to leave his parents, afraid of "growing up", afraid of the responsibilty having a home of his own can bring. If it's a money situation, well, there's nothing wrong with staying with his parents to save up more money for a downpayment on a home, but as far as a long-term plan, that doesn't seem like something desirable.

Has he said exactly why he wants to stay at home with his parents? If they are elderly and not in the best of health, then I can understand his desire to be there with them, but if none of those factors are the case, well, you might have a problem.

I'd be a little leary about buying a big house and living with his parents and 28 year old brother. I mean, I think it's time to cut the umbilical cord.

You have to do what is right for YOU. If the two of you really love one another and really want a future together, you are going to have to come to an agreement. Starting out a marriage with resentment is not the way to go.

Good luck to you sweetheart, and I hope that things work out for the best!

Big hugs...

 

Holy hell, that is weird. I could never live with my parents again, much less someone elses... I love them but shit, I need my space.