Can anyone relate or give me some objective views? (long, sorry)

I'm under such a huge amount of stress for the past year...ever since my nephew was born. Well I'll start at the beginning. She was kicked out of my mother's house a few years ago due to her unruly behavior, taking all kinds of drugs and not coming home for days. Now she did move back for a short amount of time and introduced me to drugs although I didn't get really into them yet. She then married a guy and the marriage barely lasted a year. Within months after the divorce she had met someone else and got pregnant. She had my nephew on May 20th 2009 (the same day I found out while at the hospital that my boyfriend of two years had a fiancee I didn't know about), and at first lived in an apartment with the father and they had an on and off relationship until she finally moved back with my mother and I while I finished my senior year of high school. Now during this time she found her drug of choice, oxycotton and I tried it and also got hooked. However, she wasn't a reliable source, I couldn't afford it and I also quit in order to help with my nephew. My mother works during the day and most days I end up watching my nephew all day. Recently my sister started shooting up and I told my mother in hopes she would try to get her help and nothing happened. I was going crazy with the way she would run out of the house and not even ask me if I had something to do. I could say yes to babysit 6 days but if I said no on the 7th day, she would call me a lazy bitch and then turn around and tell me I have no life. At this point I was in a serious relationship and had to bail on him many times because I wound up with my nephew. You might say I could just say no but sometimes in the morning she will leave when I'm asleep and I wake up to find I'm alone with the child and she ignores my calls all day long. Now my mother acts like there is nothing she can do but I'm feeling really underappreciated and that no one else finds this abnormal. What hurts the most is he started walking recently and my sister has yet to see it. Right now she says she is detoxing at a friend's house (which sounds a LOT like one of her lies) and I agreed to watch him for three days by myself because I want her to get clean. I feel like I haven't had virtually any time to myself, not even to mourn the break up of the engagement with my most recent relationship, and the start of a new one a few weeks ago that has gotten serious very quickly. Every other day I feel like I might have a panic attack. Friends have told me to call DCF but I really don't want to be responsible for him being taken from her legally...she will never forgive me. I'm just sick of seeing her treat him like he's a doll you can leave whenever it's inconvenient. Soon he will be old enough to question her when she's always in bed high or dopesick or shooting up in front of him. The baby's father is in jail and the only person who would be financially able to take him would be my mother and she works and can't afford daycare, which puts him back in my hands. I even put off registering for college because my home situation changes daily, I can't make plans without running it by my sister first. I'm losing my mind.

 

It is wonderful that you are there for your nephew but that child is your sister's responsibility .She is totally taking advantage of you .As you said as the baby gets older he is going to become more aware of what your sister is doing .It is not fair to the baby or to you what she is doing .She needs a wake up call .I have been in a similar situation with my sister years ago and it got so bad that I did go to social services on the children's behalf . What she is doing is child neglect and if you enable her to continue to do this it will only get worse .She must be held accountable for her child's well being . If she loves her child she will clean her act up and start behaving like a mother .Sometimes people need the cold hard truth to smack them right in the face before they will change their ways .I can tell that you are a kind, loving person and you love your nephew and want what is best for him .What is best for him right now is for your sister to quit being a selfish bitch and put his needs before her own .That's what being a mama is all about .I feel really bad for you and her baby for being put in this situation .My sister did basically the same thing and she had 2 children at the time .She left them with me for what was supposed to be overnight and it turned into three weeks .After weeks of listening to her children crying for their mom I snapped ,I got so pissed off at her .I went to social services .I did not want to have her children taken away and they weren't but it scared her and made her realize what she was doing to her kids .She finally cleaned her act up and started taking care of her kids .You are in a hell of a conundrum and I don't envy you a bit for the situation she has put you and the baby in .First ,I would have a heart to heart talk with her and make her realize that this is her child and that she needs to step up to the plate or something more drastic will take place .Don't let her turn the shit back on you .She is the one that is being selfish not you .I also hope you can get your mom on your side with this .What she is doing is not fair to any of you .It really pisses me off when these women have babies and pawn them off on others .There are so many people that want babies and can't have them and then you get these women that just pop em out and then don't want to take responsibility .She needs a cold ,hard dose of reality .It is a blessing that you are there for your little nephew but seriously ,your sister needs to get her shit straight .I will think on this some more and may have more suggestions .I really hope things turn around .
Melissa

 

Thanks so much for answering. I have tried so many times to have a serious talk with her. You have to approach her when she's in a good mood or she won't even talk. She says most of the time that I'm trying to start a fight and I need to leave her alone. My mom talks to her and it doesn't help either. She has done the same thing, leave him with me and my mother for days without even calling to see if he's okay. She says she will be back in ten minutes and she doesn't come back until the next day.

She's supposed to be in detox right now but instead she showed up, got some pills dropped off by a friend, shot up and is just hanging out in my room. She's supposed to be moving out but she's coming over more than she's here when she was living here. It's ridiculous. I will miss my nephew but if she takes him then maybe she will realize she can't take care of him without my help and clean up. We had a fight today when I was just trying to tell her she needs to appreciate what I do for her more.

 

What CB said. And stop enabling. The sooner she gets a big time dose of reality--the kids taken for their own good--the better off you all will be. She'll either straighten up or she won't give a damn. The kids deserve better and so do you. I'm still going thru the Oxycontin bullshit with a back sliding daughter in law and I'm damn tired of it. She's now going to AA ,but if she fucks up again--I'm done with her. There comes a time----

 

Sometimes I can't help it. If she leaves and I can't get ahold of her, what can I do? Throw the baby at her as she walks out the door?

I can't take much more of it. My mom doesn't care because it's not her problem half the time. She's at work all day then yells at me because I don't help her out with him when she gets home. Where was anyone to help me when I was alone with him?

 

Fuck that, your a good person its ashame to hear you are being taken advantage of like that. Your sister needs to take responsibility and you need a break, get her told, and if she cant look after the child then thats not your burden, hope it all fixes out for you

 

Look,it's her choice to be a shit head. It's your choice to be a hero. Some jail time might wake her up. Again--there comes a time. Especially when it comes to helpless children. She would thank you later,when she has a working brain.

 

Wow, la Principessa, this is pretty serious. Sorry you are going through this.

There would probably be some big consequences if you called child services, but there would also be big consequences from not doing it. I have no crystal ball and can't say what the right thing to do is.

I think Scratcho is right that you are enabling. She can't do what she's doing unless you are there to cover for her.

Contacting child services might be a good idea. I guess if you are scared of your sister being angry at you, could you make it look like someone else called? I wonder if you could talk to them anonymously and see if there is a way to turn her in without repercusions.

Hopefully turning her in would get your sister to give up shooting oxy. If your sister can't give it up, then hopefully you can provide foster care for the child in the short term until an adoptive home can be found. Hopefully an adoptive home would be good for the kid. As long as they're young I think it is easy for kids to get adopted. Once they get older not as many people want to take them.

I hope that this all works out.

 

If i was you i would tell your sister that you are not watching him unless it is for her to go to work and thats that. Then is find her stash flush it and go spend a few days with a friend. She cant leave him with you if you are not there.

If that didnt work i would call on her. They usualy wont take a child away unless its being abused or they have been called more then once. But think of it this way, if they take him from your sister she will be mad but if she does not change one day she will take that baby and move and who knows what will happen to him.

Personaly i have strong feelings about kids and animals, they cant speek for them self and need someone to speek for them. I dont care what ass hat of an adult gets mad as long as the child is safe. I once called a friend to tell him his family was about to have major drama because i was calling on his niece. IT was over 100 outside and she had left her 3 kids in the car sleeping. I didnt care who got mad I went out there to the car with a friend I woke up the oldest (she was old enough to walk) and then took the 2 babys out. Not only were they covered in sweat they were covered in piss. They could have easly died. The girl was not high, the babys had been crying on the way home and because they fell asleep she didnt want to risk waking them and hearing them cry. So she went inside and left them in the car to sleep.

In the end it is your choice on what you will do but i will tell you if you dont do something nothing will change. sometimes the biggest help you can ggive someone is to let them fall on there ass.

You need to live for you, go to school, date a guy, STAY AWAY from hard drugs (look at your sister next time you think about poping some pills), Your life should not be put on hold because someone cant get there crap together. I grew up with dealers, users, and drunks. if it does not stop it ends in death or insanty (witch then ends in death), I watched my mother die 3 times while my friend was carring her to his car. If you dont stop "helping" her soon you will start to feel more and more traped and you will never get to live your life.

 

Christ, this is a difficult situation... And one all too common for the beautiful beaches and fanchy swamplands of Sunny South Florida. It's hard to say stop enabling, because not only are we talking about your sister... were talking about your nephew, who could be in serious danger if left alone long enough or put in the care of your sister when she is feeling desperate and no one will watch him. I would never call DCF on my family or friends, but I understand the encouragement there. You are very young and right now what you wanna do is live and expereince life to the fullest degree... So again this truley very tough.

After a year I would say this child no longer feels like a nephew to you... but more like a brother or even your own son. I hate to give you any kind of direct advice because its hard to draw a line between right and wrong in this situation.

I currently take care of two children... None are mine. One has a father who lives in Connecticut and wants nothing to do with his son. The other has a father who is in prison for selling roxy's while both the children were in the car with him. The mother is a hopeless creature who has sex with her landlord while writing love letters to the one in prison all while battling her own addiction with OC's and Roxy's. She leaves the children in my care without paying me anymore. She promises a bit of money here and there but only ends up buying me coffee from Dunkin Donuts and the occasional lunch at Arbies or whatever (it was Arbies today). When the landlord comes over to fuck, she closes the door to her room and lets the 6 year old and 18 month old run wild in her living room. I'm hoping she will just let me adopt them soon as she says, but she is full of empty promises so I'm not holding my breath. She has used the children against me countless times during petty squabbles. It is directly effecting my financial state, my job, my everything... But I feel like no one else gives a shit, so I might as well be the one to care.

Some people have to hit a bottom in order to wake up and make the neccesarry changes. What other people seem to being telling you to do is help her hit that bottom. While I do agree with most to a point... I wouldn't do anything to jeopordize your nephews life. Care from the state is not much better and brings on a whole new set of problems. Again, there is no easy answer here... I do want to say that you stepping up and taking care of your nephew during all of this despite your age or your personal life is very admirable. While I don't want to encourage you to throw away your life (relationships, personal freedom, SCHOOL, etc), don't forget that he is blood and will forever be tied to you.

It's hard to talk to anyone in your sister's state. Maybe write her a letter... something from the heart... Being careful not to attack her or make her feel too small, but tugging at all the right strings of the heart and soul. That way she can't just turn herself off to it like she could a conversation... No yelling... No nothing. Maybe slip it in the baby's bag next time she's together enough to come pick him up.... I dunno... just make sure she will notice it.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

 

You need to get away and clear your head. Not for a day or two but for a few weeks. You need to be away long enough to disconnect and get some clear thinking going on.
Tell your mom you'll stay in touch and then bail. You need some time to yourself to sort things out. This will also give your sister a chance by forcing her to step up. If your worried for the kid, call child services. this problem is to big for you to go alone... but before you tackle it...you'll need a clear head. Your own health is at risk.

I'm not saying run from the problem, I'm saying get in a bettter state of mind and approach it with some clear thinking. You owe it to yourself and the kid.