LSD, DMT, Cats, Life, Memories, Death and Love

I suspect I may have waited too long to write this TR. Even at this ridiculous length, it feels like something is missing . . .

My intention for this trip was to try to find some deep and mystical healing, to try for an ego death, as it has been over a year and in a way I feel I have broken part of myself and can no longer surrender fully. Lately I have been dragged down into a feeling of depressive malaise. It has had anxiety components. Lots of existential fears. More each month that I get further away from that conversion experience . . . Lots of concerns about loss and a general feeling of impending death or doom.

Last year I was lucky enough to discover the WoW (white on white) high quality LSD that is available in the Western USA. Every time I took one, or two or gave some to other people they were consistently smooth, gentle and strong. I believe they are a very real 50 to 55 mcgs each. I took five, trying for a 250 mcg dose. I felt even without the DMT that should induce a very strong trip, get me past “the giggles” where I have been stuck with LSD for awhile now and possibly even bring on what I was looking for without DMT.

I placed the strip of paperboard under my tongue and after awhile chewed and swallowed. Typical of good LSD, I had my first alert (very strong one) in 20-22 minutes. It built very rapidly. Still smooth and gentle – i'm in good hands – someone is doing very, very good work. On the way up I took a nice taste of DMT which did not break me through but yielded a nice 5 minute trance full crowding purple faces, freeform mouths and eyes and colorful, spinning geometric shapes. When it ended the acid trip was going full bore.

I got stuck in about 40 minutes (on the real clock) of the most fantastic and outrageous time dilation during the comeup. I felt like I was considering, looking at (behind closed eyes) and processing HUGE amounts of information and emotion. Ages passed. One of those things where one looks at the clock and just laughs because so little time has passed but so much has gone on subjectively.

Several times throughout this trip, I got knocked or bowled over with heavy visuals, a feeling of body disconnection/floating and a kind of emotional release that was a profound and loud mixture of laughing and crying, yielding large volumes of tears.

Building to the peak was powerful – I was lying on my back and very disconnected, having light inner visions with welcoming Egyptian afterlife themes. The Ancient Egyptian culture is something my husband has been interested in for a long time so I get a lot of exposure. It has always seemed very alien to me. But, this time, seeing Anubis, Isis and others with welcoming arms seemed to make sense, seemed extremely reassuring. And hey, these people built to last – in stone.

A few dark and repetitive themes began to try to emerge. I got to thinking about life and death as I frequently do while tripping. It all seemed so frivolous, so meaningless, so tragic. Although we had culture and technology, there really wasn't all that much to differentiate our position from that of the animals. And yet we have the knowledge and feel all the fear and passion with full awareness that comes with existential angst. The certain knowledge that this beautiful and adventurous trip known as life will end all too soon as it already has for so many I have known and loved.

My husband handed me our sack of tripping stones, procured over the past year. Every single one (some came in multiples) was a gift. Every one had wonderful associations and memories. Every single one was extraordinarily beautiful.

One of the stones is a beautiful rainbow irridescent fossil of an ammonite – like this but even more beautiful, colorful and fossil-defined:
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http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl...age=1&ndsp=38&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:0&tx=119&ty=49
I took the ammonite out of the bag and laid it on my hand while looking at it and had the most amazing wave of pure liquid synaesthesia . . . it came over me like a whoosh comprised of wind, time and the deep, deep ocean. I could hear it, I could feel it, I was a part of it, I felt like I was a combination of wind and ocean as I merged with the ammonite and its history. Breathtaking. Amazing.

The cats were looking crazy beautiful. I played with two of them and marveled at the fact that we bring these rather extreme and pure predators into our lives . . . good thing they're small.

The bathroom was an entertaining challenge. I've got this one cat who loves the bathroom, spends lots of time there, always tries to get people to go there with her. Sometimes I call her my Toilet Kitty. She likes to sit on your lap when you sit on the toilet and take care of business. One gets used to it. Well, I was trying to use the bathroom while tripping heavily and disconnected from my body space. It was kind of hard to figure out how to pee. Meanwhile the 20 lb Toilet Kitty is completely and utterly melting into my already melting thighs and the marbled sink patterns are starting to swirl/vortex up out of the sink and into the air! By the time it was all finished I was expecting a search party sent in from my husband.

It was time to smoke DMT. I had some fear but I was so incredibly altered/intoxicated/high from the LSD it didn't seem so bad. I already felt fairly accepting and surrendered, though it always feels funny/strange preparing for a full-on launch from a position that feels like it's already out of Earth orbit and in deep space.

I prepared as well as I could, then I took the first huge hit of the stronger than 1:1 changa on the Vaporgenie. Really good hit! Would it be enough? Who knows? I seldom measure DMT doses these days. You only live once (NOT a good last thought to launch on, I NOW realize) . . . so I took another gigantic hit. The last thing I remember is beginning to lay the pipe down (it made it safely) and preparing to lie back and seeing my husband start to ripple out into infinite layers.

Next thing I know i'm in the breakthrough with a kernal of stubborn, resistant ego! Shit! Next time 3 hits or until I drop that motherfucker, for sure! I started to ride the wave, trying to just let go of my thoughts/self and surrender, surrender, surrender. It was very intense, but I didn't get very far. There were entities and the visuals were full on DMT/LSD breakthrough in quality and resolution, but I didn't stay more than about 30 seconds on the realtime clock. This was a strange space that I only began to get to examine that I seem to remember being made up of weird, purple, orange and black crenelated disks connected one on top of each other with cylindrical type thin tubes in a matrix. Entities were dancing and cavorting on the disks and spinning around the tubes in twos making double-helix patterns.
And then my cat (not Toilet Kitty) jumped about 4-5 feet vertically and about 4 feet horizontally to get from the top of her kitty tower to my position on the bed. The trance broke, my eyes opened, everything looked crazy and I was giggly ecstatic, but the vision was completely lost, the trance completely destroyed.

Boy do I feel like a fool. The queen of trip preparations who has had this happen before doesn't think to confine this cat to another room before launch. Now I must question subconscious motivations and intentions. Now I find myself once again disparaging my stubborn and resistant ego. This is an opportunity I find I am only able to embrace once every 6 months (March and October of each year it seems) and I wasted this chance. I had no desire or nerve to try again. The Vaporgenie was put away for the day.

So, back to the LSD trip, which is what this trip turned out to be about. I came to re-learn the nature of LSD and it is extremely liquid and oceanic. People say electric and I get that, but after using DMT so heavily, LSD does feel very liquid in comparison, in particular the synaesthesia experiences.

Throughout the day I continued to have the emotional release roller coaster ride – the bursts of powerful combinations of laughing and crying. When this happens the feelings and visuals would also be rather overwhelming, so I would just lay down and let it have its way with me. Felt very therapeutic.

Once it came on while some music was playing (Shpongle or similar) and I remember sitting and listening to the music then all of a sudden feeling the music dripping and dribbling down my back. Very strange because the music was not reminiscent of dripping water . . . A very convincing, and rather cold, drippy sensation.

Hit by another wave and laid down next to the tripping stones. Each one was a trip. Each one reminded me of the nice folks who gave them to us. The super-smooth, purple crystal became a texture I could fall into. The one with brown and yellow swirls took me on a mental ride to desert and sandy locales. The bright blue one with multi-colored facets made me think of a crystalline computer memory and also for some reason Terence McKenna, LOL!. Also, gazing at it caused everything in the room to become blue. Much laughing and crying accompanied all of this and many feelings of nostalgia for various people we know and places we had been to. . . .

Many things happened during this trip. One thing worth mentioning in passing – I do NOT recommend coming down on a big Halloween acid trip while watching, “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.” Save that for the lower-dose, social party trips, LOL!.

Throughout this day I was hit with grim, existential thoughts. So much has happened. So many have died. So much has been lost. We're on the downside now – not a lot of time left. I got to thinking again about the human condition. How we share the burden of the animals – birth to death with the only apparent meaning given by nature is to continue the gene line. Yet we have the self-awareness, the sentience, the inescapable knowledge (which creates religions) of our own all too rapid demise.

This was nothing new. This was old territory. What was to be done? Even the answer was not new. But what I did get was a stark kind of realization, a wake-up call. I had let myself slide down into a very low-energy, borderline depressive state. Between ennui, non gainful search for employment and some very real issues with teeth and osteo-arthritis, as well as a number of all too stressful challenges in my life, I had really gotten mentally stuck in a rut.

I basically realized, as I have always known, that it is up to me. Up to me to move, up to me to up the ante on the job search, especially as the opportunities for seasonal employment arise. Up to me to finish various projects started awhile ago. Nothing's going to make anything happen for me. Nothing but me. Nothing has ever been nor ever will be handed to me. Nothing that I didn't work and strive for.

This was like the opposite of an ego death. It was a stark ego-examination and re-acceptance of sorts. Among other things, I realized that the “headache” which felt like a spike being inserted into my left temporal/frontal lobe area for the past three weeks was in fact my worst tooth. Up to me to do something. I have scheduled the extraction for Monday morning.

I have increased my number of job applications and am going to brush up on my skill set. I am sleeping the night through (this whole week thus far), rather than waking up in thick existential angst, missing my loved ones. There are things I can affect and things I cannot. The best I can do is honor their memories and not waste what time I have stuck in a mental rut. The best I can do is nurture the relationships that are still blessed enough to be alive and involve living people.

It is not always easy, but I am having A LOT of success facing my fears in my work with 5-meo-DMT. I have begun working with cactus again (what a pleasure!) and will be eating about a quarter gram of resin this weekend – I'll go into that tooth extraction Monday morning glowing with health!

Life, though short, often brutish, and frequently tragic is a miracle, a blessing. I have been reminded of this. I have been reminded of just how lucky I am, of the great people I have known and wonderful relationships I have had. I have been reminded in a direct way of our evolutionary connection to the ocean and I liked the way it felt – like melting into a whoosh of wind that winds up being deep, salty waters full of strange life, exotic creatures and a few monsters.

It is up to us, up to me to CREATE whatever meaning I choose to embrace in this life. I know I can do this by being more active, getting a job, nurturing my real-world relationships, taking care of my physical issues and just remembering how lucky I am even to be alive at this very moment.

Love is the key. I would like to be tripping when I die, but given the circumstances of those around me who have died, I suspect that is extremely unlikely. Regardless, may I remember what really matters and go into that goodnight, be it to find (re)union or nothing with nothing but love in my heart and on my mind.

 

I want to cry

 

wow that was one of the most beautiful experiences I have read.
thanks for sharing that with us!!

I really think I need to find me some lsd and fast.

 

yes, thanks for sharing.

when you said
"it came over me like a whoosh comprised of wind, time and the deep, deep ocean. I could hear it, I could feel it, I was a part of it"
it reminded me of a trip feeling i had on one particular acid trip. i was sitting on a tree stump in the park as the wind started to blow. first i saw it in the treetops and grass surrounding me, then i felt it, but it almost felt like i was creating it. and receiving it.
so yeah, it whooshed over me. i could hear it, i could feel it, and i was a part of it. it was so much more than wind at that moment.

i didn't really get the ocean vibe, but i'm quite removed from that, and didn't have the ammonite to remind me where i'm from.

i think "liquid" or "fluid" describes the effects of LSD quite nicely. also, "flowing"

lovely report and insight, spicey.

 

Very well written spicey, definitely came off very powerful, emotional and sorrowful but in all the right spots that require serious examination and which we often take for granted in the day to day.

Since pork touched on the LSD I'll mention the DMT. I saw moving DMT dna structures on my first trip and dancing entities as well on a subsequent trip. I know that wasn't the main focus of the trip but it really made me wonder how experiencing that and then going directly back into the peak of an LSD trip must be.

 

Thanks for sharing!

All these trip reports are getting me hyped! It's around the time for me when lucy usually makes her appearance haha.

 

I want to make out with my last blotter

mmmmmm hoffie :love:

 

Sounds like you spent some time gazing into the "mirror", the "who's really responsible for my happinesss" mirror.
:2thumbsup:

 

nice to read a mature insightful report rather than "the walls were melting" kind of thing.

I kind only imagine how stark your ego examination was, but it sounds like you were able to pull yourself out of the depression (that what it sounded like to me) you were in. BTW can you get a root canal and save the tooth? Teeth are important!

 

Beautiful. I love that powerless feeling of watching cumulative existence and mortality pass in front of your eyes.

 

Spicey, the only thing missing is that we're not all on a full out LSD breakthrough while reading this. There's nothing I've experienced quite as beautiful as that state, and in the words of another forumer (I think it was Writer?) your sober mind is simply not compatible with the LSD experience.

Sounds like you had a lovely time, though. Do you think you might have broken through with the DMT had you not smoked earlier in the trip?

LSD.. :love:

 

Thank you for the kind thoughts and words, but unfortunately it is far too late for this one to be saved . . . even if I had the additional funds a root canal would take. A few more extractions from an upper partial.

 

Great question and I honestly do not think that was a factor. It had been over 90 minutes and it was just a little taste earlier and these were such sincere deep hits. Also, I have done this combination before where I smoked a lot of DMT throughout the trip, coming up, peak and coming down and it worked every time, though not to the point of full on ego death/mystical experience.

 

I would have thought tolerance was still around 90 minutes later - though I suppose the fact that you were trying to do a much larger dose should have helped you to break through.
I can imagine DMT mixing wonderfully with Lucy.

 

Nope, the tolerance is down enough after 3-5 minutes to dose again. It is completely wiped after 60 minutes. My fault for not planning for the cat AND (in hindsight I realize) radically under-dosing. Now that I think of this, this has worked BEST in the past when I could take in about 65 mgs of DMT at the peak of the LSD trip = ego death/mystical experience.

Yeah, LSD & DMT enhance each other in a way that is unbelievable. Just as LSD visuals and DMT visuals have distinctive features, the visuals for this combination also have distinctive features but the ratchet it up about two orders of magnitude. There is beautiful synergy to be achieved . . .

 

To the op, how many hits of blotter did you take?

At lower doses I find acid to have that more mind fuck quality, almost seeming like the opposite of ego death. In fact I do have to say your trip reminds me a lot of the trips I have been having for the past couple months. Acid is all about finding yourself and becoming the person you are meant to be, if used the right way (which it seems you certainly are using it the right way). It has given me a profound sense to do more with my life, much in the same way your peak after the DMT trip made you examine your situation more.

I think I know the reason to this. As Leary pointed out, very high doses of LSD is somewhat like DMT, and can induce kundalini awakening. When I took a strip of this Lucy many weeks ago it removed my ego and showed me the power of time and the moment and how much detail there is that we often over-look. The next trip after that had the same ego dissolution, albeit turned down a notch (I took half a strip this time). Finally, last week I took a 3 hit trip and found myself highly critical of the way my life is going. It was a bit difficult for a time but I was able to over-come the feelings of negativity, which itself is a product of the ego....and then found myself in possession of a full insight that has been building up for weeks.

When I read your bit about the cat I was thinking in my head.....deja vu! Neighborhood cats come to my house all the time....and when they do I envision them in all the ways they could be. Yup it would be quite scary if these cute little predators were any bigger, lol.

So how I'm looking at this now, the DMT shattered your ego. And once your ego was completely shattered by DMT you had to re-build it on LSD. Makes perfect sense, since when you loose your Self, you have to build it back up again.

It's amazing how many parallels there are between your trip and mine. Thanks for sharing that insightful trip with us.

 

5 beautiful, White on White doses, my guesstimate is about 250 mcgs. - a big trip for me given my low body weight.

 

Im a firm believer that body mass makes no difference when it comes to LSD..

 

Oh I think it does. I believe the "equation" is something like:

1.) Calculate your body weight in kgs.

2.) That is the number of micrograms that for YOU will generate what is typically thought of as a 100 mcg trip . . .

 

You have done the combo before but it would not surprise me if tolerance played a small role at least on not letting you breakthrough the second time around. Because not only did you have the DMT tolerance to worry about but you had tolerance from LSD as well which could have provided its own tolerance and easily could have lengthened the tolerance of the initial dmt too.