This is a long one but please read it. Basically my father was an alcoholic when I was younger and he used to mistreat and beat my mother. She left him and to be honest he wasn't a very good dad. He'd leave me standing at theme parks waiting for him and wouldn't see us to much. My mum never stopped us seeing him and she did an incredible job in raising us! She made me the man who I am today! My dad has been off the booze for about 16 years and he has tried to be a dad (most times less then I'd like) and I kinda half assed it because I suppose I was still angry and also upset that he wasn't making the effort. Over the last 2 years he has tried harder and we have found a subject in common so we've got closer. I still didn't really see him that much I'd prefer to wait for him to make the move (which wasn't that often - in terms of traveling to visit me) He lives in London and I live in Bournemouth and it's a long awkward drive. So I was starting to enjoy his company and I was texting and ringing him more and more but still never made the effort to drive there. 2 months ago he was diagnosed with esophagus cancer. This was a shock to everyone so i went to visit him. He has always been a big muscly guy! And when I saw him he had some some weight but still looked ok. After alot of false hope and after a long final diagnosis we found out that he also has a cancerous tumor in his stomach and it's spread to his liver. So then I go to see him in the hospital and all he can do it lie in bed in pain. I stayed strong for him and acted normal but inside I was shocked and scared! He looked so thin and frail. This was hard because he was the only person who I felt fully 100% safe with when walking down the street. I have visited him as much as I could and he loves it! My other issue is guilt. I feel so bad for not visiting him more when I had the chance. We could have actually done stuff. Like, father - son stuff that I always pined for as a child! But all we can do now is sit and talk. We watch dvds which is good. I visited him yesterday which was another shock cause he's very very thin now and doesn't look like he wants to fight anymore. It is terminal and he will die from it. And I think he knows it. To make matters worse I have just split from my girlfriend who I live with. We were together for 6 years! Now i am sat in the house alone, worried and sad. I'm alone with my thoughts and I can't seem to think about anything positive. I even almost cried at work today. I work on an oil refinery and people don't just cry! It's a very macho manly atmosphere! Anyway if you've read this thank you very much.
wow those are two major events coinciding at once. i'd say, do what your heart tells you as far as your father goes. know that he probably feels more guilt about you, than you can ever feel about him. Maybe the best thing you could do for him is to let him know that you forgive him. it may give you both peace of mind. as far as the girl. that sucks dude. find comfort in your friends perhaps,
Wow, you have my sympathies for both situations. As for your father, I suggest a deep heart to heart talk (if you haven't done so already.) Let him know the positive and negative emotions you're going through so you can clear the air and get somr closure. The past is the past, no one can change it, all we can do is take advantage of the present and brace ourselves for the future. Reiterate your forgiveness and love to him, it's the one thing we can't say enough no matter how much time we have. As to your girlfriend, that situation is a hard one because of the length of the relationship and as cliche as it might sound, the only thing that really heals a broken heart is time. Go out with friends, engage in hobbies, etc but remember that distractions are just there to pass the time. It will take a while, but eventually you'll hurt less and less. I wish you the best of luck and once again, I'm very sorry. Peace & Love, Rider
Sorry you have to deal with so much at once. You need to do what you feel you need to do for your dad. Don't beat yourself up over the past, it won't help or change anything. Treat each visit like it may be the last one. Try to keep the girlfriend thing separate, so you aren't facing a mountain, but two hills. Breakups happen, and there is a better relationship out there somewhere.
it's easy to say in hind site that you could have spent more time with your dad. But then again, your dad could have not been an alcoholic, not beat your mom, been a better dad and put more work into getting in touch with you. there's nothing to gain in tormenting yourself about this as far as I can see. you might want to try therapy. also, you could check at the hospital to see if they have a support group for families. your mom might be a good person to talk to. Did you have an ugly break-up with your gf? if you are still on ok terms, maybe you could talk to her too. Does she know about your dad? I like your sig pic btw.
Sorry you're losing your dad... life is a process we'll all complete in our own way- try to be happy that there's a bit of time still to spend with him. No parent is perfect- be happy that he was able to exorcise the demon of alcohol in order to afford some semblance of a relationship. He probably realizes that past deeds have exacted a price in terms of limited contact- but at least he gets the privilege of connecting with his son for a while before he completes his journey here. Don't regret the past- as alluded to in e7m8's post. Great responses here- your soul is being subjected to some heavy testing at present- you'll come out of it much stronger- and more ready for what life has in store- including new relationships. As already said, please don't beat yourself up with guilt- if for no other reason than to better avail yourself as the strong one for your dad to lean on- which could inspire him to fight a bit more- and hang on for just a little longer.
I can somewhat relate to your story. My father died when I was just 2 but he had the reputation of drinking and my mother separated from him for getting physical. She then married another alcoholic, then divorced him. After, she continued in relationships with alcoholics. Some better then others, but all really the same. I can relate to growing up in that environment full of fear and tension. My mother was amazing and raised me and my brother the best she could. I have more respect and love for her then any other person I know. My father died in a car accident coming home from a bar. I only have pictures and stories about him today. If I were you, I wouldn't be worried about the past but be grateful for the time you have had with him. I'm sure he has more regrets about your relationship then you do. Being there for him now is the best thing you could do. That's just my opinion and you know what they say about opinions: There like assholes, everyone has one. haha I'm sorry for your situation and combination of problems your having. Edit: I forgot the mention of "manly behavior". I thought I know what a man was supposed to be from the male row models I had in my life. The alcoholics my mother was with, tv, and the tough guys that were feared in my neighborhoods. The basics being, don't cry, don't show weakness or fear, act like you have a plan for everything, don't take shit from anybody, drink to dull the emotions and feelings you shouldn't have, make money, and most impotently- no mater how tall or big, everybody bleeds. With that twisted logic, I ended up an angry alcoholic that thought the world owned me. I figured out later, after some how staying alive, non of that has anything to do with being a real man! Today I could care less what people think of me and if I'm manly enough. I would rather be happy and known as a sissy boy then go by my old logic. Like I said, just my opinion.
Hi guys. Just wanna start with saying thanks for all your nice comments. They've brought me some comfort, if only with my own concience. I think I wil have another heart to heart and I'll open up to him more but as much as I hate to say it it is quite an awkward subject to bring up. I will try though. I am trying and I know I shouldn't feel bad but for some reason it's alwayts lingering there in the backof my head. But I suppose guilt and death normally go hand in hand. When someone goes you always think "should I have done more". Well I do anyway. Thanks for those comments. The ones about my dad made me feel alot better. And it wasn't an ugly break up. I saw her last night and we had a chat and we decided we shouldn't get back together. The hard bit was how ammicable it was. No one got angry or anything. And that's me and her in Dominican Republic. I should probably change that lol Thanks this also made me feel alot better. And I will try see him as much as I can whenever i can! Wow that's a sad story you mother sounds alot like mine. My mother hasn't been with many nice guys. She seems to follow the same pattern. And that's a shame you ended up drinking but I'm glad you've changed your attitude to life. If you don't mind me asking, Have you stopped drinking? Again, thank you everyone for your help. When I wrote this I was in a real bad place. On my own and feeling down and alone. I have my ups and down and i expect this will carry one for a while but I do realise that time is a good healer. Dane x
I experienced a similar sort of family history. My dad was an alcoholic, a good dad, but distant because of his habit. My mother divorced him when I was 7. Just as I was getting older and starting to really appreciate the extra time with him and the adult conversation he passed away from cirrhosis. Although I didn't get to see him as much as I would have liked to growing up, I saw him a lot before he passed away. I got to live with him for a summer. What's done is done. Just spend as much time with him as possible and if you feel like it, let him know that you forgive him for the past, and that you love him despite everything. That can mean the world to someone who knows they wronged someone in life, especially their own children. Also know that no matter when or how a loved one dies, it's never enough. By that I mean you could have seen him everyday for the past ten years, and if he were to die a month from now, it still wouldn't have been enough. He could have lived until 90 and you'd likely still have said, "I could have done more." I think my dad was too weak to ask for forgiveness, but he always made sure to let me know that he loved me. It made a real difference. My dad's father died of esophageal cancer due to alcoholism and smoking throughout his short life. He was a terrible father and estranged for the last 5-10 years of his life. That's something that my dad always regretted and never got to correct. My mother also had a terrible, abusive father. He asked his kids to forgive him right before he passed away and it made a great difference, at least with my mother. Don't let anything go unsaid, and let him know you're no longer angry with him for it. That's what's really important because it's not your time that's limited, it's his. You still have time to heal, unfortunately he doesn't.
Hello Dane, I'm glad your feeling a little better, at least I hope you are. Everybody has a story of there own. I did stop drinking and life has become a lot happier for me. My story would be a sad one if I didn't learn from it and history ended up repeating itself. I was lucky.
Hi guys, Just letting you know that my dad passed away on the 22nd at around 9am. He was alone in his flat. He had made his peace with everyone and I think he was ready to go. The last 3 months he has deteriated so quickly that I think it was actually a bit of a relief that he's no longer in pain. The selfish part of me wants him to still be here reguardless of pain. Thanks for the support. Dane
somewhere I think that there is someone who feels like you... You are not alone, never. I can understand you deeply, forgive me if I don't explain you exactly why, but I understand you. You live miles away from me but now, maybe just for a while, we are closer than you think. So I wish you the best and I hope that you will find the force necessary
