i had my son 5 weeks ago after a nightmare pregnancy....the birth was...hard, to say the least. ive managed to bond with him really well but ive got a lot of issues about the birth, how it went and the effect it may have had on him. i was induced, the first lot of drugs started me off, 9 hours of ok labour and six hours of really painful labour later it stopped. i had pethidine then as i was really stressed by the bloody incompetant midwife who really hurt me, i needed some sleep. we tried again the next day, so after more examinations and drugs it started again, it was ok at first but soon enough i was labouring properly. again the midwives were useless and made me feel like a stupid child, i was so angry. my waters broke late that night and immediatly the contractions became unbearable, i felt like i was being ripped apart, they had warned me they would be worse as i was being induced but my god, i couldnt breathe or coordinate my body, i tried to talk to the midwife and tell her but she didnt believe me(!) she just yelled at me and again made me feel so afraid and useless. they took me upstairs to the labour room then finally and i was in so much pain i was screaming and screaming and had an epidural in the end, which worked for 20 minutes by stopping the contractions, then they came back and i discovered it was only working one side, so i ended up on the gas and air as well, i was so out of it and in so much pain and the stupid midwife was laughing at me and then i started with the throwing up which went on for hours, even after he was born, the midwife drew up the drug to help it, but then walked off without giving it too me and went off to chat at the nurses station for half an hour while i cried in pain and fear and threw up violently. when he was born i was so tierd and emotionally drained i could only hold him for a few minutes, and then my partner had to hold him, it was six hours before i could hold him properly. i feel so cheated, i wanted to have a natural birth, with only gas and air as pain relief, a calm birth, to hold my baby for as long as he needed and let him suckle and stuff, i ended up screaming through most of my labour, feeling afraid and disempowered. i think i needed the epidural whatever happened but the midwives could have helped me keep control and stuff but they didnt, only at the end when i was pushing him out did i feel that, (a new midwife came on duty) im worried that all the fear hormones and my crying will have upset him, and that my not holding him for ages will be bad for him, and im trying to find a way to come to terms with it in my own mind, any thoughts?
Sweetheart, please don't be so hard on yourself. Don't feel defeated that your birthing experiecne was not what you had envisioned. This happens sometimes. I know, been there, done that. With my oldest son, I envisioned the "perfect" birthing experience. I did not want any medical intervention, unless it was absolutely necessary. Well, I ended up on a Pitocin drip, I had my bag of waters artifically ruptured, I had fetal monitoring inside and out, and I had an episiotomy. All things I did not want. I didn't use anything for pain, despite feeling extreme pressure from the nurses and doctors to do so, but I felt that it was the only thing I could control since everything else was going to pot, so I refused anything they wanted to give me. I felt a lot of anger at first after the birth, not at my baby, but at myself, like somehow I had failed. To make matters worse, I was having a horrific time with breastfeeding and did not have a lot of support. My lacatation consultant wasn't even the best of help. I felt so alone, and my hormones were going haywire. If it weren't for my husband being there for me, I don't know what I would have done. With the birth of my twins, I again planned for a natural birth. My presenting baby, my little boy, which was referred to as "baby A" in utero, was in the head-down position, but my little girl, "baby B" was breech. Still, my OB was supportive and said that as long as the presenting baby was in the head-down position, that we could try for a vaginal birth. I was admitted into the hospital when I was a few days over 36 weeks pregnant, and induced due to developing Toxemia and H.E.L.L.P. syndrome, but at the time, they didn't even know just how serous my condition was. I delivered my baby boy vaginally, but had to be rushed into surgery for a c-section to get my baby girl. Her placenta had become prematurely detached, her umbilical cord was close to her neck, and I was bleeding internally quite a bit. When the doctor removed her, she was limp and not breathing. I was scared to death because they held her up real quick so that my husband and I could get a glimpse of her and then rushed her over to a table in the corner and started counting "1,2,3 BREATHE". I was flipping out. I couldn't do anything, because I was laying there with my uterus hanging out and I couldn't feel anything from my waist down. I was crying and begging the nurse that was by my head to tell me what was wrong. She told me that my daughter had had some rapid breathing, but I knew it was more serious than that. Well, I found out later that she had not been breathing at all, and that they had been doing rescue breathing to revive her. Luckily, she was fine, but she was put into the NICU for almost 3 weeks. The next day, my blood pressure had still not gone down and was climbing even higher. My nurse started padding my bed and my husband and I didn't think anything of it when she said that she was preparing for any possible seizures. Well, my husband left to go home and gathe up a few things that I needed, and 5 minutes later (I was told) I started seizing. I ended up having 5 grand mal seizures and 3 TIA's (mini strokes). My whole body was shutting down on me and the doctors weren't sure if I was going to make it. I guess that they had even called for a family meeting in which they prepared my family for the worst. Luckily though, I pulled through (I was damn determined I was NOT leaving this world yet!), and all of us ended up being okay, and today, we're all wonderful. My doctor said that had I not delivered my babies on the day that I had, that all three of us would have died. Talk about being fortunate! Anyway, I dealt with a lot of depression due to my birthing experience with that. I would become bitter when I would hear about a woman having a baby or babies and being able to go right home, and have no complications, and there I was, in the ICU, not even being able to hold my own babies. I was angry, I felt cheated, and I was paranoid that death was knocking on my door at any moment, or would take my babies. I had wanted a peaceful birth, I had wanted things to be different, and I certainly hadn't envisioned fighting for my life in the end. But, going through what I did really changed things for me, and for the better. After I began to see through my depression, I began to feel so fortunate to even be alive, and I looked at my babies with even more love and appreciation. I've learned to let go of the guilt, and just live in the day, because you just never know if there will be a tomorrow. What happened in the past doesn't matter. What matters is the future. Your baby will not remember those first few hours, and you have an ample opportunity to change things, to bond with him in the way you wanted to in the first place. Don't let your guilt come between things, let go of it and look forward. I've learned with being a mother, that we will always find something to feel guilty about, we will always wonder if we did the right thing. I guess that's just part of being a parent. But I can tell that you love your son, and I know that you are going to be an awesome mommy to him. So what if the birth didn't go exactly as you had hoped. What matters now is that you have your beautiful, healthy little boy here with you. I hope that you can find peace within to forgive yourself and just feel proud because you did something truly amazing. You brought forth a new precious life to this world! Much love, and healing vibes...
first i'd like to say congrats on your baby, i too just had a baby about 6 weeks ago. honestly i really think your baby is fine. even premature babies who barely get any bonding time with their parents sometimes for months end up happy kids with a great bond with their parents, I think the only babies who end up having emotional problems are the babies that lie there for hours crying and their needs aren't being met, then they don't develope self confidance they are insecure. but if you are the loving mom you seem to be i really wouldn't worry. One thing they say promotes bonding and i've done this and it works, lay with your shirt off and the babys off and cuddle skin to skin or try taking a bath together and make lots of eye contact. it should help. if you need to talk since we are both new at all this pm me. i'd love to help anyway i can and maybe you could do the same for me.
its not ok what happened to you about your midwife being very rude to you..but its ok honey...that time has since past you and you have your baby forever now. Be the best mommie you can be and thats all that matters. Your not drugged or sleepy right now...so you have plenty of evnergy for your new baby~joy.
maybe you could try rebirthing? something like this?: http://hometown.aol.com/davisrnclc/myhomepage/rebirth.htm if you do a google for healing birth trauma, you might find some websites that would help? gtg, i'm needed by my little guy be well
I am so sorry you had such and awful birth experience. Ina May Gaskin always talks about how important is it to be nice to laboring womyn. I had a nightmare birth, with my two older children. My first labor was over 52 hours, I lost control, had an awful nurse, who was younger than me and kept yelling at me when I was hallucinating and screaming. I ended up with a C section after pushing for over three hours. My second labor was similar, but I didn't lose control. I pushed forever and the baby never came down, at least the nurse was nice to me. My next two babies had to be planned sections. (I have a pelvic problema that was shown to be not compatible with vaginal birth, a rare thing.) It took me a while to heal. I still get teary when I see births, especially when I see one on TV which is similar to mine. I hope you heal. Talk to some good people, don't be afraid to greive. LOVE your baby with all you have. I found breastfeeding to be the best way to heal from damaging birth experiences. Blessings. Maggie
Well, congratulations on your new baby! What a strong and powerful woman you are, to have worked so hard for so long! And in such difficult circumstances! You are truly amazing, the mama in me bows to the mama in you. I know you must be very disappointed, but you did what you needed to do to have your baby in the given circumstances. And babies are very forgiving, your baby will love you just as much as if you held him right away. Thank goodness your partner was there to hold and love him while you recovered! He was held in loving arms, and not left alone to cry while you recouped your strength and could give him all your attention. It's okay to feel cheated, because you were cheated! What should have been a gentle experience turned into a nightmare. But you are no less of a woman and no less of a Mommy because it was so awful. In fact, you have proven how strong and powerful you are. You can do ANYTHING! Over 10,000 women a year report Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the UK after a diffcult and traumatic birth. Here are a couple of web sites for women who have had difficult and traumatic births which focus on healing. I hope you find them useful. I also think you should sit down and write a letter to the head of the hospital where you birthed, and send copies to the maternity floor, head Matron, and the head of patient relations, explaining the experience and your feelings about the birth and your treatment. You may also wish to send a copy to the Association for Improvement in Maternity Services (AIMS). Make sure you add a CC (carbon copy) in your header of each department you have furnished a copy of your letter to let them know that more than one person will be informed of your complaint. For example, To; Head of Hospital CC; Association for Improvement in Maternity Services Head of Patient Relations Head Matron http://www.aims.org.uk/ There is a lot of focus of c-sections here, but it's for everyone who has suffered a traumatic birth. http://www.victoriousbirth.com/ http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/BadBirthHaunts.htm http://pages.ivillage.com/disappointing/ http://hypnoticworld.com/regression_pastlife/rebirthing.asp http://www.lalecheleague.org/NB/NBMarApr02p44.html This is a UK based support group, lots of links and birth stories; http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/ I hope you will seek help, take charge of your birth experience and let those who "cared" for you know that the way you were treated was NOT ok. And most of all, enjoy your baby!
Yes congratulations of your new arrival but like others have said try not to be so hard on yourself I had a massive abruption and had an emercency c-section under a general after planning to have a natural water birth. First I saw of my son was a polaroid photo after i woke up four hours later as i was sedated and didnt see him for 8 hours despite asking to. In the end I have come to the conclusion he is a happy and well loved child and we are both alive and well which almost wasnt the case
thankyou everyone, i have sat down with my husband and my mum, who was also there at Eden's birth and written down all the things that happened, including the midwife who examined my inside when i was totally out if it on labour ward with huge false airbrush decorated fingernails...you know, the ones with the square ends!!! gonna send off letters tomorow, and will be meeting the head of the maternity department to make formal complaints....just hope maybe that way noone else will have to suffer their 'care'. it did help a bit, made me feel awful going through it again, shocked i guess, but im feeling better now. thanks again everyone.xxxxxx
I am really glad that you have your family's support and that you're holding the hospital accountable. Like others have said, please don't feel guilty. As a child I lived on The Farm, where Ina Mae Gaskin is from, where they wrote Spiritual Midwifery. From reading that book when I was pregnant, and from having been a kid there, I got the impression that if I did everything right my birthing experience was going to be this powerful, spiritual, almost euphoric experience. When the births of both of my children turned out to be near-death experiences for all of us, I felt like I had personally failed. I felt guilty, even. To make matters worse, a couple of my elders from The Farm even put me down, kind of scolded me, when they found out that I had a c-section, and used pain reliever, etc. I guess they all had their babies in converted school buses in the woods in Tennessee. Most fun they ever had. Shame on me for not being an Amazon. I later learned that women who have epilepsy, like me, often have very difficult pregnancies and birthing experiences. I can't help it that I have epilepsy. My brain was damaged from a high fever in my infancy. I don't think that at the age of one, when that happened, I had bad karma and deserved it or something. (On The Farm it was always emphasized that if your thoughts and actions were pure, really shitty stuff wouldn't happen to you. So, as a kid, I wondered what impure thing I had done to deserve epilepsy.) I guess I'm telling you all of this just to let you know that i can DEFINITELY relate to expecting this beautiful, ideal birth, and then being devastated and feeling guilty when that doesn't happen. It's not our fault, though. And PLEASE don't worry that your baby has been traumatized. He hasn't. Just love him now and he'll be fine. He doesn't remember that stressful event. What he is aware of is all the love you're giving him now. Take care of yourself. I think new moms are often so critical of themselves. I was. I am sure that your baby is just fine. you sound like a devoted parent. Now stick it to that hospital. I wish I had done that when they treated me like shit.
God, that should be illegal!!!! Gross. I am not a midwife, but a Lactation Consultant, and I keep my nails as short as possible. I don't even wear rings to Consultations. I don''t want to hurt a womyn or her baby, not to mention the germs. There was recently a study in the US about how bacteria laden those fingernails are. Some hospitals in the US forbid nurses from having any type of false or long nails. That makes good sense to me. Being with your baby, nursing her, keeping her skin to skin with you, and writing down what happened can all be very theraputic. I felt really healing when I finally wrote out Sunshine's birth story. When you talk to other mamas, try to stay positve, there is nothing wrong with sharing "war stories" but talking about the GOOD things you and the baby are enjoying is essensial, too.
