Over 17 years happily married... then this happened...

First off, you don't know if he would have actually cheated and gone through with anything. That said, he shouldn't be trusted. Just to have gotten as far as he did is going to far. He knows it, He did include you in some of the emails... which is great... but it would be a lot greater if he made clear everything included you... which is not the case. Everyone knows what 1on1 is. He shouldn't play stupid like that...admission of wrong doing and looking for a way out.

Second, turning the tables on you and claiming you did something wrong... this is straight douchebaggery at its finest... Your not over reacting, your trust has been betrayed...what in the past hasn't he told you? Him not talking about it? what is he two years old? he needs to man up and not be pussy... he did wrong, he knows and is turning the tables on you to make you feel guilty.

Last but not least, the way you handled it... you should have confronted him up front... you must not trust him to have to see what he'd do... after 17 years? really?
theres issues deeper and this just opened them up.

What in the past happened that you can't get over that won't allow you to trust him at his word. as if you woud have confronted him up front and not have engaged in a game of cat and mouse?

You didn't do anything wrong, you had a right to know... how you found out is regardless... was it baiting? yeah...but he bit... and had ill intentions that may have been carried out exposing you to any number of STD's. I feel for you...you must have been crushed.

We've talked about adding a 3rd here also...but she isn't totally down with it, that doesn't give me a free pass to try and find someone...he didn't respect your wishes...then betrayed your trust...then turns the tables on you... You two should seek some help together. Your future together really depends on it. this will not be gotten over easy..and it will be costly to the relationship. good luck, at the end of the day remember, you do love him and everyone makes mistakes.

 

He may have intended to cheat, he may have just been getting off at the idea. I don't think you would like it either way. And if you can't trust him, it's a problem.

But it seems that you weren't responsible, mature, or honest enough to confront him about what you discovered; instead you lied to him a whole lot, and tried to get proof against him (shoulda just gone all the way and hired a hooker for him to meet), so it's not like he can trust you either.

 

I realize the link doesn't exactly parallel this scenario, however I feel the bottom line in this discussion is OP doesn't want a 3or4some, and she shouldn't have to try it.

The link refers to a 3some, but the responses could very well fit the 4some question as well.

how do you feel about 3somes in a marriage?

 

"Set him up for failure" my ass. Only he can set himself up for failure. Fuck he has to take responsibility for his actions. The fictional character were speaking of here asked him for "fun lunches" and 1 on 1 and he made a point to say that his office is available but they'd have to be sneaky.

Granted yes what you did was risque to play this little mind fuck with your husband. Comparably he's in the wrong he went behind your back while you were away and emailed a couple that just wants another man in the bedroom. I mean wtf is that exactly. Lets hope you don't go on another visit to grandma's.

 

And if denied something they want, will take it underground to get it.

 

It's hard for me to comment because I have never found myself in this situation. It seems to me both of you were deceitful.

I would drop the "happily married" line for the time being. The inability to communicate sounds to me like something that was brewing and suppressed for much longer than the recent crisis. The label makes me even more inclined to think so...

I would therefore avoid labeling or narrating the relationship until you guys have a conversation (if you both want to):

a) Can you both forgive each other for being deceitful and take responsibility for each other's parts?

b) Can one of you compromise? Unfortunately, it does sound like a zero-sum game here --- either he sacrifices his sexuality for your sense of security, or you sacrifice your sense of security for his sexuality;

c) Since, it's a zero sum game (***get ready, I'll mention the unmentionable***), could it be you guys need some time apart as friends (yes, in spite of the 17 years, the 3 kids, and all the great things I'm convinced you have shared) to pursue your own separate interests and stop sacrificing?

Personally, I find breaking up can be a very healthy thing. Even, for the relationship which may morph into something else altogether and maybe surprisingly mutually satisfying. For me, it can even signal a healthy relationship, rather than an unhealthy one.

Just an idea which I was surprised not to see mentioned in the thread. Good luck

Edit: If one of you refuses to have the above conversation, then I see no other option but to make those decisions alone.

 

I think he's at fault too, but I would apologize and maybe some reconciliation could take place. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but for or the sake of your marriage and family it's worth a shot.

 

Actually, I lied. I'll share something here:

I had a girlfriend for 3 years, whom I lived with from 2004-2006, if I'm not mistaken. Like your husband, I was not content with only one sexual partner, except back then I didn't think my fantasy was liable of being actualized, and that in this sad Earth of ours, a man has to suck it up and go for the second best option lest he be alone (I no longer think that way).

Eventually she also suggested that we try new things in bed...except, her idea of trying new things in bed was something like role-playing and the Kama Sutra, which is a neat...but, just made it all the more depressing to think about, and made me desire the ultimate orgy (which, was really my only fantasy when you come down to it) more poignantly.

Fast forward a bit, we stopped having sex for 2 months. Our communication sucked, because I secretly was not willing to compromise,,, it was just a matter of when...and she knew that.

But, we kept up the veneer of a model relationship to our friends and family for a while...until the day when she wanted to invite her friends from another town to stay in our home, but the sticking point was: I was sleeping in a mattress on the living room floor. She made them cancel the trip, rather than bust the veneer.

Eventually, the whole thing was too much and she started snooping. She once confronted me about a phone number in my wallet, which it turned out was for an apartment in one of those ticked laundromat ads. She checked my porn and felt insecure if the women I looked at had different characteristics or did something she was unwilling to do in bed.

Finally, I wrote something on this same forum...I was considering cheating. She read it. We decided to break up. The drama went a bit longer because breaking up after living with someone for 2 years is awash with logistics...

I hooked up with a bartender while I was still living with her (though, I was already free from commitment) and she took exception to that. She spat in my face when she found out about it. The way she found out about it was manipulative much like in the OP: She hypocritically "fessed" up to having been with someone else (which, didn't bother me) and asked if I did the same (after reading about her in this forum).

There it is. If my ex gets a hold of this post, she'll know immediately who I am. I don't care, though. I think she would agree that we are both much happier apart, and I personally think we had a good going in the beginning of our relationship. I certainly learned a lot from the experience, and it greatly helped me be where I am today. And, I'm a in good place.

Edit: That is, single.

FIN

 

listen to your own thoughts here, you are right!

 

^^^What he said.

Though technically you set your husband up with a scenerio that would include him alone with another woman. So technically everything he said after you responded to his ad was your own fault. You put him in a theoretical situation where it would be considered infidelity, and most likely humiliated the hell out of him. The real couple might never have included him, let alone one on one with the other woman and your husband.

I'd apologize but also tell him that you're now questioning his loyalty to you. It's really not worth breaking up a family over.

Aside from that, I don't know what you could do. If you're not open to be included in sexual situations that he really wants to explore, you might have to be open to let him explore by himself if you'd like to keep your family together. People need to be allowed to do what they want to do in life, it's not fair to hold someone back because of our own wishes. Besides, it might just be a mid life type of thing. Perhaps he's just wanting to experiment a little in situations he never had the chance to do before he met you. It could turn out to just be a passing phase.

It's important to remember that love and sex are not one and the same.

 

I was thinking about it from the other side. Is it really worth it for him to risk his family and marriage for some sexual fantasies? I think she is being more flexible in this situation from what I've heard.

 

Here's a story that involved someone in my life;

This woman dated a man for about 5 or 6 years, they met when they were in their early twenties, both in school. They were married for a little over a decade. Guy gets in an accident. While spending months laying in bed due to an injury he gets thinking. He realizes that he's in his mid to late 30's, has been with one woman his entire life, and hasn't so much as even gone out of town for a fun weekend. He's been a family man essentially since his early twenties.

After recovering he goes out and meets an attractive young woman and begins having an affair with her. The guy eventually loses his giant house to his wife, loses money and has to give up around 50% of his time with his two beautiful little kids. The kids eventually suffer from his actions and have a hard time in school because of it.

All of this couldn't have been avoided because guy went behind his wife's back and wanted to fuck around with another woman.


OP's husband wants to keep his family, loves his wife, and wants to experiment with his wife. In contrast to the story above, I'd say that the OP is lucky in that she has a husband who clearly cares a lot about her and wants to keep their marriage strong and keep their family together while he and her have fun. Could be worse, her husband could be like the prick in the story above.

OP's husband could have been trying to cheat, he also could have just been looking for a more or less harmless rush (jerk off fantasy) while his wife was out of town.

If he was looking to cheat, I'd say it's because he more or less doesn't have any other option given his wife's reluctance to be involved in his sexual fantasies. If he was just looking for a rush, no real harm done.

I see it this way. The OP is in a very fortunate position in that she caught him at the right time. As far as she can tell no infidelity has happened yet, because once that line is crossed, it can be very hard to recover from, if recovery is even possible.

As far as I'm concerned she has only two real options; either be involved in husband's sexual affairs, because if not, he's displayed that he's going to fulfill them, with or without consent. Option number two; give him "permission" to go ahead alone with said fantasies. With both options she at least knows who and what he's doing, there's no deceit.

 

You make some good points and I agree that the husband in the OP is much more open than the guy in your story. That said, I still don't buy into this idea that the husband's actions are involutary. He is still making a choice to put his sexual fantasies ahead of her wishes. I think she's being flexible by doing pretty much whatever he wants in bed just short of bringing another couple in.

 

Of course, she gets "credit" for that, she sounds like a very good wife in that depatment.

However, that still doesn't address the real issue, which is that her husband wants to experiment with other people, and I assume by his Craigslist searching that he has reached a point where he's going to do it with or without her. So really, what she's done in bed for him, being flexible, isn't really that relevant at this point. What she's done has nothing to do with what she's not doing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she should if she really doesn't want to. You can't make an adult participate in a sexual event with someone if they're simply not attracted to the gender, the person, or the act.

The bottom line is, what's done is done. Her husband has likely showed that he's now willing to get what he wants one way or another. So unforunately OP has one of two decisions to make. Let him do it alone, or let this ruin her family.

Of course, the undoing of the family is moreso the selfish nature of her husband and his sexual appetite.

 

Obviously you weren't ready for a modern marriage.

Look at the posts here. A happy marriage these days consists of drug fucked, utterly depraved, sexually diseased couples doing endearing things to each other, like eating each other’s turds and/or inviting their rabid Rottweiler in to join their bizarre sexual romps.

Or a really considerate, loving hubby might invite the entire 27th Hussars, and their horses, home to fuck wifey senseless while he watches and humps, then slowly snuffs, a new born baby or a quadriplegic octogenarian.

No wonder your long suffering hubby is upset. You are one sick sheila!!

 

Wow! A lot of great input here... and some things I really feel I need to address. Will set aside some time for that in the next day or so. I do appreciate all of the responses... even those I don't... and can't agree with.

:sunny:

 

Easy,Aussie!! Easy.

 

You think? :bobby:

 

I agree with all that except, I think the husband could still change his mind and follow her wishes if push comes to shove. Ultimately, the family and marriage are way more important to let something like this ruin it imo.

 

If you want you "marriage" to last you have to meet him half way. Start doing what normal housewives do these days.

Tomorrow night have his favourite Turd Tagliatelle on the stove and dress in something he sees as sexually alluring, like blood stained Nazi concentration camp pyjamas or a little girl’s pinafore.

Turn him on by inviting the local fire brigade over to anally fuck you in full view of the entire neighbourhood. Then leave you vaginally impaled on a flagpole (Old Gory, of course!) with a ferret gnawing on each nipple for his inspection and sexual delectation. :love:

Alternatively go to the local Zoo and fuck every animal there. Then put crocodile clamps on you snatch flaps to stop their sperm escaping so hubby can suck it out in lieu of his normal after dinner Brandy.