This is where we had our first kiss Lying on the sand of an empty beach As the sounds of crashing waves And your sweet laughter Filled the sunny oasis This is where you told me you loved me As I kissed you goodbye Unsure of when I would see you again Your precious eyes met mine And my ears were graced With the three most beautiful words I have ever heard This is where you told me it was over Smashing a two by four of pain Into my soul And this, you terribly sweet creature This is where teardrops have fallen This is where hope has been lost This is where I wish to fade Into the blackness of eternity And be forever gone This is where you broke my heart
In case you weren't already sick of my whiney break up poetry, i've got another one for you beautiful people here at the Hip Forums. Enjoy
'tbh", i'll admit i actually had to look that one up in the urban dictionary. I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hate to say it, but you're probably right. I need to learn how to make my poetry less personal and become more of a storyteller, so as to expand and become less one-dimensional. But until then, i think we're stuck with this stuff :/
That's what you want to believe. Maybe you can reach my heights soon ? and why are you the OP's voice ? Can't he speak for himself ? My comment was not aimed at you, so why did you take offense ? Are you jelly ? Why Grape, why ?
Personally Ramble, no offense taken. My view is that if you're unwilling to have your work torn apart, then you shouldn't post it online for all the world to see
Not so much offended as put off by an ego the size of a cathedral. I don't intend on stooping to your height, either.
I agree. No problems here. I wish my work was torn apart, because it needs that. I like your work, I enjoy reading stuff you write. By stale I mean that you've been showing up with the same poem, IMO, but with different spins on it. That's it. It's still enjoyable, but stale.
How is my ego big ? Provide me your insight, because mine ego is humble. Maybe you feel that way, that's fine. I can say that everything I do is with my heart behind it 100%. Call it ego, call it whatever. I'm passionate and take shit serious. That you cannot knock. Stooping? Post something. Let's see how many rungs of the ladder you have to climb.
I agree with rambleon about the OP's poetry. ci0616: I find these poems to be annoying really. To write one or two like this is alright but you are exhibiting some extreme attachment. No amount of any kind of attachment is healthy. I have heard that a way to counter a strong attachment to a living being is to think of the being with no skin on its body. It works for me. If these are your true personal feelings you have some heavy internal conflict inside and you using another person as blame, for why you feel this way, is just you ignoring the true problem that lies inside your mind. Anyways quarreling over who's ego is bigger than who's is getting no quality poetry written and only contributes to more ego driven things.
Here is my view on poetry. Maybe its a bit unorthodox. I've never taken a formal poetry class but I have a love of poetry and here is what I've discerned from the craft thus far: First and foremost, a poem should be pure emotion. The syntax, rhythm, subject, etc..none of that really matters if your poem has no emotion. JD Salinger said it best: "Poets are always taking the weather so personally. They're always sticking their emotions in things that have no emotions." I think its good that you are writing about something that makes you feel very emotional. I haven't read any of your other poems, so I don't know about any staleness, but if you're going to use the same subject matter for every poem, which is inevitable if your emotional creativity is inspired the most by that subject, you just need to think of new ways of expressing that emotion everytime. To me, the second most important element of writing poetry is rhythm. I'm not going to critique you because I can't really tell if you were purposely trying to slow down or speed your poem up in certain places, but if you focus on creating a rhythm then syntax and word choice will always follow. edit: i remembered something i wanted to comment on. if you avoid cliches, your poetry will always sound fresh no matter what the subject matter. "This is where hope has been lost / This is where I wish to fade / Into the blackness of eternity." has been said a million times by a million other writers. There will never be new emotions or subjects invented, but there is always new ways to say them. Be creative!
