She is quite a fine representation Of the enticingly peculiar female species Soft yellow blonde hair Electrifying blue eyes Which light up the darkest of rooms Breasts that heave Defying her slender physique She flashes her bright, shining smile at me Twirling her hair with her pointer finger Giggling softly Batting her eyelashes As the meaningless conversation progresses But I am not here I am not in the room with her I am some two hours away On a sunny beach lying with you We are staring deeply into each other’s eyes Laughing happily to ourselves For no other reason then we are here together And that we have found each other My greatest efforts to forget what we had Are to no avail I return the blonde’s smile I laugh when it seems appropriate to do so I nod and “uh-huh” myself through the hopeless flirtation But the harsh, unforgiving reality Of the situation at hand is this- I have no desire To be here with this woman I remain However regretfully Yours
After sobering up and realizing what i had written was full of cliches, i tried to salvage it for what it was and make some revisions. Feel free to critique as honestly as you wish: She is quite a fine representation Of the enticingly peculiar female species Soft yellow blonde hair Electrifying blue eyes Which light up the darkest of rooms Lips that beg me relentlessly To kiss them She flashes her bright, shining smile at me Twirling her hair with her pointer finger Giggling softly Batting her eyelashes As the meaningless conversation progresses But I am not here I am not in the room with her I am some two hours away On a sunny beach lying with you We are staring deeply into each other’s eyes Laughing happily to ourselves For no other reason then we are here together And that we have found each other My greatest efforts to forget what we had Are to no avail I return the blonde’s smile I laugh when it seems appropriate to do so I nod and “uh-huh” myself through the hopeless flirtation But the harsh, unforgiving reality Of the situation at hand is this- I have no desire To be here with this woman I remain However regretfully Yours
I think they are both as good as one another. it's interesting for me to see changes made, from one draft to another. I felt the first stanza in the first draft was a lot better than the first in the second.
Hmmmm that's interesting. I just felt the first stanza needed more detail and "hourglass figure" is kind of a cliche and i got rid of it. But thanks for the feedback!
well, seeing as how the narrator is not really into this chick, the phrase "Lips that beg me relentlessly to kiss them" is not exactly true then. where as acknowledging her nice body is. Two same meanings but the emotional meaning is different. That, my friend, is why.
That's a pretty valid point, which i thought a little about. So this is what i came up with: Soft yellow blonde hair Electrifying blue eyes Which light up the darkest of rooms Breasts that heave Defying her slender physique
lol nice "defying her slender physique" Let me try: Yellow lions mane locks cotton candy eyes spiral out in peering color hips that contour fine angles begging me to drive her Auto Bonn
