Warning: I'm a young writer, so my work may not be pleasing to some. I went through a tough time a while back and I chose to write about what was happening so that I wouldn't be so attached to it anymore. This is one of those pieces. I roughly polished it up (meaning: spell-check) and read it again. I realized that I actually might be able to make something out of it. I would really really really appreciate it if some of you could read it and give me some pointers. Like I said, I'm young in more ways than one when it comes to writing, but I figure the only way to get better is to swim with the sharks. Much love! Here goes! ~ Have you ever had one of those dreams where is seems like everything that could go wrong does? But, they seem so real that you get so… utterly depressed during them and even when you wake up because you know that everything that happened was possible. And could happen at any moment. They’re the epitome of a nightmare because they use what scares you more than anything else. Reality. Well, a few years ago, I was in one of those nightmares. Except, it wasn’t just a dream anymore. "Some things just don't turn out the way you want them to," she said, facing away from me. She still had on that hideous off-white ruffled dress her mother made her wear. Her profile was the most beautiful image I’d ever seen, but the solemn expression on her face made my stomach churn. She turned around. "This pier brings back memories. It's depressing to think they'll all be forgotten one day. But what isn't depressing anymore?" She wasn't even talking to me. Her smile was distant, so close I could touch it, but so far away. She turned again. "Will they miss me?" Her voice was hopeful. "Of course we will, you have no reason to do this! Please come back with me! I'll do anything, just don't do this!" I was frantic, but the barbed wire fence wouldn’t let me reach her. "I have all the reason in the world.” She smiled again. Then a thoughtful, almost troubled expression reached her delicate features. “There's just one thing I want you to do for me… please?" I was on the verge of tears. "Anything," was all I could manage to whisper. Still facing away, she smiled as a tear ran down her cheek. "Don't forget me." And with that, she took the final steps, a mass of ruby hair framing her face as she fell. "NO!" I knew what would happen even before the sound of the splash came, but I ran anyway. I tore at the fence with everything I had until it gave. My hands and arms were bleeding when I reached the end of the pier and looked over. All I could see were a few ripples in the water where she had fallen. And the bright red ribbon she wore in her hair everyday slowly dancing its way to the surface of the water. Where it settled peacefully before sinking into its depths.
Your writing shows promise. It's a tad melodramatic but that's pretty normal with younger folks. I'd consider changing the last couple of sentences. I don't know how realistic it is for a ribbon to float upwards for a moment, and then sink. Overall though, keep at it. The first million words are the toughest.
That's a touching suicide scene, but you have to build a setting for the reader. You have to tell the reader what two people are having the conversation. One of them is female, what about the other one? How old are they? How do they know each other? What brought on the suicidal depression? Won't the person jumping know how to swim in spite of herself? Most of these questions need to be answered, in my opinion, to make a convincing story.
