broke up with gf of 6 years, very painful

i never thought i would post this here but i feel like i have no one to talk to about this so im gonna share my story with you guys. why? i dont even know, but here goes.

i was with her for 6 years, since i was 18, she was 16 when we met. to me she is the most beautiful girl in the world! she's smart, and in pre law right now. she had my same taste in music, and in everything. she was always the coolest girl in my group of friends, always down to do anything with the guys. we went on many road trips, had lots of good memories. she was so fun to be around. she was my first love, and we always talked about growing old together, and living happily ever after.

me, i am an alcoholic and a drug addict (i thought of myself as a successful pothead, doing drugs but still in school, good job etc.) one night after getting very drunk we got into an argument and i got physical. i dont remember what happend, but needless to say i fucked up big time. this happend about 3 weeks ago. she says shes forgiven me but cant be with me. i dont blame her.

i have never laid my hands on her, and i never would. i always protected her because she was my whole world. i would never ever want her to feel an ounce of pain. if i could i would feel that pain for her just so she wouldnt have to i would. i would do anything for her, i would even give my life for her to be happy. i loved her so much. i just fucked it up that one night i lost control of myself, but i would never want to hurt her purposely.

i know its 100% over. shes not comming back and theres nothing i can do about it. this incident is what i considered my "rock bottom" and have since quit doing all drugs and alcohol and started living a healthier life, working out, eating right etc. i paid the ultimate price for doing drugs. i used to love taking lsd and many other drugs, but im over that now.

i am trying the best i can to be the person she wouldve wanted me to be, but its so hard to be positive. i cant look at any other girls because they just dont compare. i think about her every minute of the day. i cry every day when im alone in my car or in my room. i have nightmares about her and i sometimes wake up crying. i know she wont ever come back to me so i am just trying to get over her but its so hard. i dont feel like im living anymore, just killing time. life doesnt seem worth living anymore. i miss her so much.

 

Six years... man, that's rough as hell. I feel for you, really, but we both know there's nothing anyone here can say to make you feel better about it. If it's any consolation at all (not the right word, but you know what I mean): after this experience you were able to stop the drugs rather than retreating into them completely. That at least bodes well for your future health and sanity.

I don't understand how for some people one terrible night can erase six years. I wouldn't know how to deal with that either.

 

Give it some time...If you have changed and you stick with it, you never know what could happen. I'm not trying to give you hope in reconnecting with your lost love, but there are a ton of possibilities. You're just going through a rough time right now, break ups are absolutely terrible, and even though I know I'd move on, I'd likely be devastated if my relationship (5.5 years) ended. But if you've truly changed, you will find happiness in places you didn't know it existed and other people will pick up on the vibes. Just try to make it through the grief period. Break ups are rough, it takes awhile, but maybe you should see this as an opportunity to experience the single life for a bit. You both were very young when you got together, even if things work out between the two of you in the end, it's much better if you have a little bit of time to sow your wild oats so to speak. I've known many a couple who married straight out of a high school relationship and they got restless and the divorces were messy. You're going to be sad for awhile, yes, but you eventually have to move past the sadness and start living. You'll know when it's time.

 

I hope you hang in there!

 

i hope you guys are right about the time healing all wounds thing. the idea of finding someone else that is as perfect as she was just seems so impossible. has anyone in my situation ever fallen in love again after losing their "soul mate"?

 

Well...I wasn't in a relationship for 6 years or anything, but I fell in love when I was 16 and even though I found new love at 18, it has been just recently that the wounds have healed so much that it doesn't hurt anymore and I only keep the happy memories around. I still love Brandon to death, but we're just two entirely different people than we were at 16, our lives took different paths, and I'm glad for that. He opened me up to so much of the world and I credit him for the majority of the person I am today. He made me want to be a better person, he introduced me to so much of the world. It's just a joy to know I was that little part of his life and he was that huge part of mine. But it took time and it hurt a lot for a long time. He helped me discover who I was at a really crucial time in my life and I really like who I became from it.

 

That's the thing about alcohol abuse. The person chooses to abuse alcohol until it gets out of their control, then the alcohol abuses them and their loved ones.

I have been very close to many alcoholics in my life and although I sympathize with you to some extent, you fucked up big time and that's a good thing. I've known alcoholics who lost their jobs, marriages, kids, and eventually their lives due to alcohol, most went on blindly as though they never learned anything. An alcoholic without a rock bottom is a scary thing. You're lucky you've hit yours.

The steps you've taken since the incident are very mature of you and it's nice to hear that you're doing it for yourself, most would throw themselves to the wolves. You're a stronger person than you might think you are. Let the pain you feel now and the loss of someone you love be a reminder that you carry with you throughout your life to keep you on a sober path. As much as one should be able to forgive themselves, shame and pain can be a great driving force at keeping someone straight and sober and is not always a bad thing.

Over time you'll feel better and with your improved diet and exercise you'll feel much better mentally and physically. Evetually your pride and sense of self will return and you'll feel like dating again. In the meantime just work on yourself, stay strong with your sobriety, keep up the healty diet and exercise, and take from this event whatever you can and let it help mould you into the person you want to become.

Something to remember about love; true love is unconditional and you get out what you put in. When you're in a good place again and are able to really love someone without anything like drugs or alcohol to inhibit your energies, you'll have very loving, fulfilling relationships with many people.

 

I hope you're wrong about her not taking you back, but I sure wouldn't bank on it. I can't see how after 6 years, one could be so unforgiving. Was she already bothered by your drug use?

Anyways, like everyone's said, you've done great, and turned something horrible into a positive life change. Over time, you will find a happier place mentally and emotionally; but this could still sting for a long time. Don't forget what you've done to make amends and better yourself when the more nasty thoughts come.

 

Sometimes it only takes one night to screw things up, but you're making all the right decisions to turn this into a positive.

 

yeah thats one of the things that hurts me the most, after six years of being best friends and hanging out practically every day (we didnt live together) after one night she just dumped me like nothing. she's a smart girl and very determined with everything she puts her mind to, and i can tell she is determined to get over me. and when we have talked she is doing so much better than me. thats what gets me the most, how can she be so cool with this? it doesnt seem to be hurting her as much as it does me, in fact the other night when i tried talking to her she blew me off and said that i was irritating her. its like we became strangers overnight.

 

Well, I mean, just because she was happy doesn't mean the union was as perfect for her as it was for you. Maybe there was some inner doubt that this incident 'confirmed'.
Maybe this incident shocked/hurt/bothered her so much that her feelings for you basically shut off.
Either way, it's not good for you to build up anger, but maybe you could use some of this to erode that 'perfect' picture you have of her? And accept her as human, just like yourself, and just like any future girls that will come your way.

 

I'm sure she's hurt, but she's on the other side of the coin. You're hurt because you fucked up, you have no problem still being affectionate and polite towards her. She on the other hand was the one who was hurt, therefore her feelings are bound to be externalized towards you, the one who hurt.

It's like when a dog bites a child. The kid wants nothing to do with the dog ever again, whereas the dog will be more than happy to be petted by the child 5 mintues later.

 

I don't mean to sound insensitive but...shit, you hit her.

I would certainly have done as she has so far. No, I would do one better...I don't see how I'd talk to you again, at all. What would be the point of doing that unless I still had hopes of reconciliation?...So, maybe, there's your chance.

 

You're doing it to yourself. Clearly she didn't love you the same as you loved her... if she's as smart as you say then she knows that making a point of letting you know how over you she is will only hurt you... does this sound like much of a friend to you? If she truly loved you she'd have worked through this with you and been there to help you grow as a person but she dropped you like a bad habit... by all rights you should not be pursuing any contact with her as this smart, self-assured young "lady" will just use each occasion as another way to hurt you emotionally.

Self improvement is all well and good but do it for yourself-- don't pattern anything after what you expect her to approve of. Don't waste personal growth on someone who clearly doesn't care all that much about you as a friend. If she told you that you were her best friend then she was lying to you... because best friends and soul mates do not hurt each other as she has you. Give an improved version of yourself to someone more deserving.... but change your life according to your standards and not anyone else's.

 

Where is the line between helping and enabling? Is it not when you sacrifice your own well-being by tolerating someone else's self-destruction? He hit her. That doesn't sound like a friend, either. I don't see how 6 years wipes out the responsibility of mutual respect toward each other's space and boundaries...and I certainly fail to see how she owes him friendship, and much less help, after he violated said boundaries regardless of cause.

Forgiving him is certainly her prerogative, and in my opinion not forgiving him is also an entirely legitimate course of action according to her feelings. By hitting her, the OP has released himself of any privileges based on mutual respect and/or help in that relationship.

I don't mean to trivialize the vicissitudes of addiction, nor to demonize the OP. Not even to take sides...I prefer to view things like this as unfortunate accidents. But, I don't see how placing responsibility on her lap in spite of being hit is in keeping with the idea of mutuality and friendship.

 

She's made her decision. It's up to her to contact you if she chooses to.

 

She dumped you like that, that's fucking harsh. She isn't so perfect.

 

1 drunken mistake, the guy deserves a break.

 

Where's the line for you? Let's say I unloaded a pistol on you because I was drunk but didn't hit you? Would you give me a break? Or, say, if I slashed your car tires in a fit of drug-induced madness? Where's the line?

I think I'd have to respect each person's subjectivity on this matter...after all, I'm the one who unloaded the pistol, and the other person is the one who could of been (or was) hit.

It's certainly not for the OP to decide whether he deserves forgiveness or not.

 

I have to say I probably wouldn't throw away my relationship based on one drunken incident, but that's just me and I've never been hit. It would definitely put a damper on things and wouldn't be just suddenly okay the next day, but I've put up with some crazy bullshit (he's bipolar and he doesn't have episodes very often, but when he does...holy hell) and can honestly say I'm still happy. I don't think things were as great as you saw them, fishin, it kind of sounds like this was a quick out for her. I agree with stinkfoot and at the same time agree with Cherea. If she loved you, she would help you. But leaving you may be the help you need. I don't think this incident alone was the only reason she ended things. Maybe you should do some soul-searching and figure out what you missed while you were drinking.