ok so I'm a 21 yr old girl, my boyfriend is 19. We started dating in November of last year. I got pregnant in March and I just had our daughter on the 16th of last month. Everything went by super fast and we fell in love extremely quickly. He moved in with me like a month after we started dating because we never wanted to be away from each other. He's an extremely sweet guy, like any womans dream man, seriously. Yeah he has problems cleaning up after himself and there are little things like that that bother me and im sure he feels the same way about me, but we get along great and we do stuff for eachother constantly. If I didnt have him in my life I dont know how I could have gotten through my pregnancy and having a baby. Not to mention how my life was going before we met(I was going through a really slutty stage of my life lol). We truely love each other and we make it clear. But there is one thing that I don't know how to respond to. I found out he watches gay porn like 4 months ago from using his phone. I saw his history and it had a ton of gay porn on it. I knew he liked anal cause we've had that disscussion and I'm fine with that. He's taught me to like it to. I only had it a couple times before we were together, but what turns me on the most is turning him on and seeing him go nuts over me. But that's where the issue comes in. I only want him to want me. He hides that he watches gay porn and oh did I mention he responded to a craiglist ad from a gay guy.(I checked his email cause he gave me his old computer and it had one of those email programs that automatically signed him in) Idk if the guy he emailed was really gay but it was about having sex.... the email was basically like this. (not word for word, but the jist) my bf-"Hi im a male from _ _ _ _ and im interested. free DD virg ass(I still dont know wtf DD means). Email me back so we can chat." the guy emailed him back asking if he wanted to ride or be ridden and i think my bf said ridden(I cant remember but im assuming cuz he liked me putting a finger or two in his ass before lol). anyways, that was in June. AFTER we found out I was pregnant.(when we found out he was super happy and smiley the whole time, btw. He was extremely supportive throughout my whole pregnancy. He went to all my doc apts and everything). So I ended up confronting him about it and im awful with confrontation especially when im so hurt by something. God, I wanted to die. I felt like I knew he was too good to be true. He was seriously everything I wanted in a man......and if i didnt know about this shit hes been hiding I would still feel that way. When I confronted him he just said that hes not a fag he just wants to be wanted like animalisticly. His fantasy would be me throwing him around and raping him. I totally want to do this cause thats a turn on to me too, but Im so freaking shy its so hard for me to open up like that. He kept saying hes kinky and a freak and hes sorry he doesnt know whats wrong with him. All I knew to say was that I love the shit out of him and Ill do anything he wants-Ill fuck him in the ass with a dildo i dont give a fuck, ya know? he never said he wanted me to do that, though. all he said at that point was that I need to be a little more of a freak and he apologized a whole bunch and said he would never cheat on me. I asked him if he has has sex with a guy before and he said no. As far as the emails went I dont think he met up with that guy via craiglist either cause the emails seemed to abruptly stop after he said he wanted to be ridden or whatever. I guess it was a one time thing, but it still bothered the crap out of me. Especially being like 6 months pregnant when I found the email. So, I started spying on him because I felt like I needed to know if he was telling the truth. If I didnt find anything that day I looked at his email, I would have never kept spying on him. I really dont think he would cheat on me. But I do think he has a fantasy that I may not be able to fulfill. Ever since that day I confronted him, we've had little arguments about him watching gay porn. I still dont know what to think about that. He says hes not gay or bi so wtf? He used to go into the bathroom when I was taking a nap(during my pregnancy) and watch porn in his phone(I know because I could hear it) and now the last couple months he goes into the room next to our bedroom early in the morning and he plays wow and watches porn, too. I know because I looked at his history when he was gone. We've had arguments and discussions about this, but Im still really hurt. He says he just like porn which I can understand because I watch porn, too, but ID rather watch it with him..... The last argument we had was about him going to porn sites and doing the stupid "livejasmin" thing. But he proved to me that it was just popups. I guess the reason why Im going so nuts is just because I want to be a freak with him. Im kinky too, I just have trouble showing it. I wish he would work on it with me. I even got us some sex toys. I got him a prostate pleaser cause I know he wants something up his ass LOL...obviously... but we havent used it yet . I guess hes too shy to bring it up and so am i..... oh btw I have a really hard time orgasming and it hurts his feelings. Hell go down on me for a loong time and ill constantly ALMOST be there, but most of the time I cant climax...... and I have never had a vaginal orgasm...hes tried and been really close, but I seriously cant let go idk what my problem is...... recently, he put passwords on his computer and phone so now I seriously have no idea what hes doing. He knows I dont trust him and ive apologized for spying on him, but I cant help it. I want to be the one he goes to for his fantasies... anyways, he asked me to marry him on christmas day. I said yes. We had the livejasmin argument since then, and he cried when during that argument and said he doesnt want to hurt me and that he would never cheat on me. He said he wants to marry me and not just because of our daughter, but because he loves me. I believe it, but I cant get past this bullshit. I need some serious advice. Im sick of trying to talk to him about it because it never stops. Maybe If i opened up more and we could have crazy sex(its kind of hard to with a month and a half old baby in our bed lol......) then maybe he wouldnt look elsewhere for his fantasies.... but idk what to do. he still is, obviously, cuz he put passwords on his stuff, but why? I dont want to be that lady that gets married to a guy that has a secret life cuz his gf cant be what he wants....................
