looong post, but I really need some opinions/advice

ok so I'm a 21 yr old girl, my boyfriend is 19. We started dating in November of last year. I got pregnant in March and I just had our daughter on the 16th of last month. Everything went by super fast and we fell in love extremely quickly. He moved in with me like a month after we started dating because we never wanted to be away from each other. He's an extremely sweet guy, like any womans dream man, seriously. Yeah he has problems cleaning up after himself and there are little things like that that bother me and im sure he feels the same way about me, but we get along great and we do stuff for eachother constantly. If I didnt have him in my life I dont know how I could have gotten through my pregnancy and having a baby. Not to mention how my life was going before we met(I was going through a really slutty stage of my life lol). We truely love each other and we make it clear.
But there is one thing that I don't know how to respond to. I found out he watches gay porn like 4 months ago from using his phone. I saw his history and it had a ton of gay porn on it. I knew he liked anal cause we've had that disscussion and I'm fine with that. He's taught me to like it to. I only had it a couple times before we were together, but what turns me on the most is turning him on and seeing him go nuts over me. But that's where the issue comes in. I only want him to want me. He hides that he watches gay porn and oh did I mention he responded to a craiglist ad from a gay guy.(I checked his email cause he gave me his old computer and it had one of those email programs that automatically signed him in) Idk if the guy he emailed was really gay but it was about having sex.... the email was basically like this. (not word for word, but the jist)
my bf-"Hi im a male from _ _ _ _ and im interested. free DD virg ass(I still dont know wtf DD means). Email me back so we can chat."

the guy emailed him back asking if he wanted to ride or be ridden and i think my bf said ridden(I cant remember but im assuming cuz he liked me putting a finger or two in his ass before lol).
anyways, that was in June. AFTER we found out I was pregnant.(when we found out he was super happy and smiley the whole time, btw. He was extremely supportive throughout my whole pregnancy. He went to all my doc apts and everything).
So I ended up confronting him about it and im awful with confrontation especially when im so hurt by something. God, I wanted to die. I felt like I knew he was too good to be true. He was seriously everything I wanted in a man......and if i didnt know about this shit hes been hiding I would still feel that way. When I confronted him he just said that hes not a fag he just wants to be wanted like animalisticly. His fantasy would be me throwing him around and raping him. I totally want to do this cause thats a turn on to me too, but Im so freaking shy its so hard for me to open up like that. He kept saying hes kinky and a freak and hes sorry he doesnt know whats wrong with him. All I knew to say was that I love the shit out of him and Ill do anything he wants-Ill fuck him in the ass with a dildo i dont give a fuck, ya know? he never said he wanted me to do that, though. all he said at that point was that I need to be a little more of a freak and he apologized a whole bunch and said he would never cheat on me. I asked him if he has has sex with a guy before and he said no. As far as the emails went I dont think he met up with that guy via craiglist either cause the emails seemed to abruptly stop after he said he wanted to be ridden or whatever. I guess it was a one time thing, but it still bothered the crap out of me. Especially being like 6 months pregnant when I found the email. So, I started spying on him because I felt like I needed to know if he was telling the truth. If I didnt find anything that day I looked at his email, I would have never kept spying on him. I really dont think he would cheat on me. But I do think he has a fantasy that I may not be able to fulfill. Ever since that day I confronted him, we've had little arguments about him watching gay porn. I still dont know what to think about that. He says hes not gay or bi so wtf? He used to go into the bathroom when I was taking a nap(during my pregnancy) and watch porn in his phone(I know because I could hear it) and now the last couple months he goes into the room next to our bedroom early in the morning and he plays wow and watches porn, too. I know because I looked at his history when he was gone. We've had arguments and discussions about this, but Im still really hurt. He says he just like porn which I can understand because I watch porn, too, but ID rather watch it with him.....
The last argument we had was about him going to porn sites and doing the stupid "livejasmin" thing. But he proved to me that it was just popups. I guess the reason why Im going so nuts is just because I want to be a freak with him. Im kinky too, I just have trouble showing it. I wish he would work on it with me. I even got us some sex toys. I got him a prostate pleaser cause I know he wants something up his ass LOL...obviously...
but we havent used it yet . I guess hes too shy to bring it up and so am i.....
oh btw I have a really hard time orgasming and it hurts his feelings. Hell go down on me for a loong time and ill constantly ALMOST be there, but most of the time I cant climax......
and I have never had a vaginal orgasm...hes tried and been really close, but I seriously cant let go idk what my problem is......
recently, he put passwords on his computer and phone so now I seriously have no idea what hes doing. He knows I dont trust him and ive apologized for spying on him, but I cant help it. I want to be the one he goes to for his fantasies...
anyways, he asked me to marry him on christmas day. I said yes. We had the livejasmin argument since then, and he cried when during that argument and said he doesnt want to hurt me and that he would never cheat on me. He said he wants to marry me and not just because of our daughter, but because he loves me. I believe it, but I cant get past this bullshit. I need some serious advice. Im sick of trying to talk to him about it because it never stops. Maybe If i opened up more and we could have crazy sex(its kind of hard to with a month and a half old baby in our bed lol......) then maybe he wouldnt look elsewhere for his fantasies....
but idk what to do. he still is, obviously, cuz he put passwords on his stuff,
but why? I dont want to be that lady that gets married to a guy that has a secret life cuz his gf cant be what he wants....................

 

Without trust you don't and won't ever have a good relationship.

Some will say you can work to re-build that trust and work through your issues.

Personally, I think that's bullshit... once trust is gone, it can never come back the same way. There will always be that nagging "they lied to me before" thought when they say something.

If you continue on as you are, you will both end up hating each other and that will be bad for your daughter.

It would be much better if you could separate and stay on friendly terms with each other as you are sharing a child for the rest of your lives.

 

Guys are strange creatures. They are overtly and obsessively sexually focused. Who knows why he tries to hide if from you. Probably because he feels you would be offended and grossed out by his fantasies.
Usually it is nothing but sexual fantasy. If you are judgmental the problem will be insurmountable.
If all trust is gone - the relationship is gone.
It is probably up to you. His fantasies are embedded and difficult to discard. With time and patience and understanding by you, this can be worked out. But only if you truly love him. If you do then the effort will be worth the fear and insecurity you feel.

 

Idk if I could live without him though we do so much for each other.....
we are in love..........I just cant even have the sex I want with him cause I constantly think its not good enough for him
I stopped even trying when we have sex...

 

So, it's okay that HE is hiding things from her, and SHE should work harder?

 

Are you in a happy relationship?

Can you be happy in an unhappy relationship?

Can your daughter have a happy life growing up with parents who aren't happy?

The guy is your CHOICE...

The child is NOT.

 

yeah... I want to be what he wants soo bad...but now Im all nervous about it. Ive totally lost my confidence in sex.....
I just feel like I will never be able to fullfill what he wants. I would do anything he wanted I just need to get over being shy and dominate him I guess. I really want to...it turns me on a LOT picturing me slapping him around and stuff...I just dont know if that would truely be enough for him and I guess thats what Im so aprehensive about.

 

I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I want to work things out. I just want to feel like I am everything he wants and he doesnt have to hide shit from me anymore, but everytime he reassures me, I find something else that hurts my feelings. I dont know if Im overreacting or what, but he makes me feel like I am. It really hurts me though.

 

THEY should work harder. Love is a rare commodity and should not be cast aside because of a misunderstanding of personal needs and desires. He is afraid to disappoint her - she is afraid to disappoint him.
I'm just saying try to understand each other - give love a chance.
He loves her - she loves him. Your suggestion - dump him because he is afraid to express what he needs.
We are all guilty of hiding our true selves because of fear of rejection.
Don't lose the chance for love because of lack of understanding - of either party.

 

You need to get some confidence. You love this guy and should trust him to not judge you. If you want to rip off his clothes and rape him, well just do it! Convince yourself that you're not shy, especially around the one person you shouldn't have to be that way around. If it doesn't work out, it'll still work up towards a successful fantasy fulfillment for him. Keep trying.

As for him messaging that guy: there was obviously no emotional connection between your bf and the craigslist guy: just sex and fantasy. You need to trust you bf and give him a second chance because right now you're still caught up in that. Forgive and forget. You say you trust him, so prove it.

 

Immaculate conception. :2thumbsup:

Edit: Isn't this a double thread?

 

Hopefully you're still around pchfzz, and I also hope that you'll be inclined to take a moment to read what I'd like to say...

First off, I really think you and your boyfriend should stay together. It's apparent from your posts that you two are very much in love. That is a good thing. From what you've described, he also seems like a very sweet, genuine fellow...which is definitely a good thing, too. Plus, you have your daughter who needs both her mom and dad. And you guys need her too, right? I say the THREE of you stick together and be as happy as a family can be. As for the whole trust issue, I think we all know by now from reading your posts that it occurred not because either of you wanted to harm the other, but because you tried to avoid hurting the other, the one you love from the bottom of your heart. I understand trust is one of the key ingredients in a lasting relationship, and in your case it seems like you've both abused it a bit. BUT, I see it as a mistake that you guys made and as they say, "we all learn from our mistakes". I also see this experience just might be able to solidify the connection you have with your boyfriend even further if you guys handled it right.

I personally and honestly think the first step you guys should take is to RELAX. lol From your posts, you give the impression that you're constantly having some kind of anxiety attack. I mean I understand what it's like to love someone so deeply that EVERYTHING they do triggers SOMETHING in you, whether it's good or bad. Hell, I've been going through that for a while now myself, lol. But this is where you have to sit back, relax, take a deep breath, let it out, repeat breathing procedure, and try to calm your mind. It will be hard to do, don't worry, I KNOW that, lol. But you gotta do it. And you BOTH gotta do it. Another thing, when you talk to him, refrain from consistently dwelling on the same subject over and over. If he asked you to marry you, then you might as well forget about that Craig's list incident...well maybe not FORGET, but FORGIVE at least. Let it go. If you must bring it back up again, then do so only one more time, and only to assure him you're willing to put it behind you, and do so only as a way to show him that you in fact DO trust him.

As for your wanting to be his sole focus within his fantasies.... I'm sorry to say, but that is not going to happen. And trust me when I tell you this... IT'S A GOOD THING. If you're planning on marrying him, somewhere along the line fantasies are going to play a big part in saving your marriage. Fantasies keep us humans sane. And ANYTHING can happen in our fantasies. Just because you are turned on by something other than your partner doesn't mean you love your partner any less. Plus, I think the whole gay porn thing is probably because he's turned on by the idea of anal intercourse itself, rather than because he's gay or bi. That's ok though. Let him watch gay porn. After all, he didn't propose to gay porn, did he?

Maybe this will help... I'm currently in a situation where I have difficulty sexually fantasizing about the one I truly love without feeling at least a little bit of emotional pain. Long story, lol. But I have sexual urges, and thus I've gone back to watching porn. Before, this particular girl was all I needed to fantasize about. But now that I watch porn again... Well, do you think I love her any less now? Nope, if anything, I love her more now. Porn is just entertainment. It doesn't give you emotional contentment...errr, unless we're talkin' some kinda unhealthy obsession toward porn.. But would I like it if she watched it with me? I think in my case, it would depend on what kind of mood I was in at the time. With certain material, I might be more comfortable watching alone... But that's because I know she wouldn't find it a turn on.

What matters the most is that you both love each other, and are IN LOVE. From your posts, I can see you have that in the REAL WORLD. It's REAL. Fantasies don't always end up becoming reality. And that's OK. He may have certain fantasies he'd rather keep to himself, and you know, he SHOULD be able to keep them to himself. That's his right. That's also where the concept of trust re-enters the picture. But if he genuinely loves you(and I think he does), then he would never allow something like porn to change the way he feels about you. You have to reach that conclusion, and you have to do so without agitating him. Avoid wanting to become EVERY ONE of his fantasies. That's just the selfish part(and it's ok, we all have this part) of you talking, and you've said things in your posts that indicate that's not the only part you have. You already know a good bit of his fantasies are about you anyway. So if he has other fantasies, so what? That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I know the girl I love wouldn't be inclined to do some of the things I sometimes fantasize about, but that's ok. I can still keep fantasizing about them knowing that doing so will help me stay in love with her rather than get bored with her.

The whole thing and his being secretive about porn... See, your mistake was, and I'm not trying to blame you because I know you were upset and didn't know what else to do at the time but, spying. That is a very very tricky territory to enter, and usually should be reserved for extreme cases. But you also seem to regret spying on him, and I'm sure he knows that, too. Although knowing and REALLY knowing is different. You both need to take your time and learn from all that's happened, and accept each other for who they are. Remember why you guys fell in love in the first place. Return to that starting point and appreciate the love you share.

Oh, and don't try to be too kinky too fast if you're shy. And let him know you need to take things slow when it comes to being kinky. Trying to force your kinkiness out will only cause more stress than good. You two BOTH need to be comfortable in any sexual situations, even during your "play-rape" scenario. Maybe even get into some form of less aggressive, spiritual lovemaking rather than focusing on the aggressive/kinky stuff. It might actually help both of you become more emotionally calm and thus could help you prepare for the more kinky stuff later on.

And this is turning into a huge book. xD I'll shut up. All the best!!

::AT::

 

When a fantasy leads you to take action, such as contacting someone on craigs list behind your partners back, that is no longer a fantasy, that is a prelude to cheating.

I went back and reread the tread over again to see if maybe I was being too harsh...

Too me, it just screams that the OP has no trust left for her partner. Her partner isn't honest with her.

Oh, and the whole part about the emails ending abruptly so nothing happened? That is so not the way I interpret what the OP said happened... To me, it was, he told the guy in an email that he wanted to be ridden, then realized he should have a totally private account for emails like this (or phone calls/txt messages/etc and made one to continue contact to make that fantasy become reality.

Of course the op's husband would deny it... which of course comes back to trust... which the OP doesn't have anymore for him...

Trust once broken is gone. Nothing can ever erase that... It doesn't grow back stronger...

Trust that is tested and stands, grows stronger...


Just on an issue that was brought up in here.... Even if the act (or attempted act) was 100% physical and had zero emotional connection, it doesn't change the fact that instead of being honest with his partner and sharing his thoughts and fantasies, he kept them to himself and ACTED to make them become reality without her knowledge.

Any type of problem can be fixed in a relationship with hard work and TRUST... without that trust though, as in, once its been broken, no amount of work will fix it.