Schwag Happens Deal with it. Oh sure, we would all love to be able to say we only smoke good shit. Anyone who claims to never smoke schwag, gutter weed, Mex, Brown or Twiggy is either a liar or an arrogant poser. Sooner or later, if you smoke pot, you’re gonna be the victim of schwag, willing or not. Try to be positive. As positive as possible. Adopt a “When in Rome” attitude to this and other circumstances, and your life will be much easier. There are any number of reasons you might end up with a sack of schwag. Maybe it’s all that was available. Maybe you’re broke as fuck. Maybe you got taken on a deal (if there’s humidity in the bag, it was steamed). Maybe you just couldn’t pass up an ounce for less than fifty bucks. Whatever. You have a bag of marginal quality veggies in front of you. What do you do now? Tools This includes anything you use to ingest marijuana. Be it papers and a lighter (matches are totally lame), a bong, A hookah made from a thistle tube and aquarium tubing, A beer can (yea right, doubles as a crack pipe!), color changing glass or a 1-Hitter, you use some form of tool to complete the task. If the weed was REALLY good, you’d usually need less tools. Sticky Hawaiian buds usually can get by with a simple ceramic pipe with a brass screen. Schwag is not so lucky. One prevailing element in schwag that makes it so reviled is cellulose. Though a part of ALL plant matter, cellulose in it’s raw form is only a structural carrier and has absolutely no get-high value. It also leads to the “dried lawn” flavor that can be obvious with most schwag. So if you plan to do schwag or lesser quality weed, I highly suggest you get an electric coffee grinder. They can be had on sale for $10 or at yard sales for $3 and they will save you a buttload of money when you smoke weed. Also get a tray that is at least a foot square or round with some sort of edge. It’s also important that it not be a painted surface, raw polished wood is best. Glass can work as can an album cover if you’re really into nostalgia. Another tool that can go the longest way toward more efficient weed consumption is a 1-Hitter style pipe. If you are savvy you can drill it out to about a 6 hitter. The ever popular Dugout is an excellent example with a complete stash container and pipe holder in a neat wooden package that can be tossed twenty yards if necessary! Method So there you sit, with a pile of schwag in front of you. What the hell are you going to do? If your friends see this, they’ll laugh you out of Dodge. First, get all of the seeds, and any seed hulls out of the pile. This will usually mean breaking it up with your hands till they all pop out. But if you have a sack of that stuff that was compressed way too fucking much (smugglers take note here: Busted seeds make good marijuana taste like SHIT. Quit packing it so fucking tight), you will have to dedicate yourself to getting rid of any seed matter. It’s easy to spot under a light. When you buy a sack of schwag, and you’re picking through it like this, you can begin to beat yourself up for buying such a fucked up sack. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not like you clicked on a beastiality web site or violated a neighbor’s teenage daughter. But you can still face ribbing from your buddies. So keep sorting. Set all the stems to one side and don’t waste too much time trying to get every last bit of green off of them. Unless you have the time. But remember to never toss away stems, they are very useful. Now that you have a pile of stems, a pile of seeds, and a pile of cleaned herb, what next? First of all, save the seeds and be sure to plant them in a state park or other rural area. By doing this you will help make marijuana a common plant, which will make law enforcement efforts against it meaningless. This is the only drug that has this benevolent capability. It can grow it’s way to legalization! It just needs dedicated help. So back to the piles. If you grind up all the herb till it’s semi-fine, you’ll find it is easier to smoke with a 1-Hitter. It’s also easier to pull through, so don’t be greedy. Just laugh at your greedy buddies when they suck ashes. Remember, they were the ones who were going to make fun of your sack, now they have no clue what it looked like when you bought it. When you smoke finely ground weed like this the first thing you notice is the strength of the hits. You can easily have your breath taken away by a compacted schwag hit. Sure a bong will help this. A bong with hot water in it instead of cold can really make schwag a decent smoke. The warm air and moisture make monster hits possible. If you still prefer ice, try it coarsely crushed in the bong with some salt to catalyze the ice even colder. It works well for ice cream makers. And the salt doesn’t impact the taste at all. You can fill a bong with rock salt alone and it will smooth smoke considerably. Second Wind So now you’ve finished all the ground up schwag. What do you do? No money for another sack? No sack to be found? Dealer got busted? Dealer wants sexual favors? Whatever, you’re herb is GONE. You smoked it with your buddies, and now they too are GONE. Probably smoking their stashes without you. Fuck ‘em and have a few pizzas delivered to each of them for good measure. Of course don’t tell anyone YOU did it! So now it’s time to look to the resources you have remaining. What resources? The stems for one. The stems have a skin on them that has just as many resin nodules as the leaves. There is THC in the stems. BUT, there is also cellulose. Here’s where the coffee grinder really comes in handy. Just grind the hell out of the stems. The cellulose will strip away and leave a powder. The two are easy to sort out. Throw the cellulose away, it’s useless unless you make your own toilet paper. Now the powder will taste EXACTLY like your freshly mowed yard. Remember the other techniques for solving taste issues. With schwag, it’s worth the effort to investigate this further. If you toss in a clove stem while grinding the stems you will make a moderate improvement. You can also use cinnamon, Nutmeg, and parsley. Be very careful as too much of any of this will make it too horrible to smoke. With nutmeg you have the slight benefit of a little of it'’ own get-high effect, but too much can be dangerous, so only think of it for flavor and scent. If you’re really sure you’re going to take a while to get your act sorted out to getting another sack, you can turn to resin. If you have been saving resin, you can put it in the coffee grinder with the powder from the stems and actually make some strong smoke. But it will likely taste like a field of grass and an asphalt driveway. Here again the sweet spices can help a little. Just use them sparingly. Like 2% to maybe 5%. Conclusion Schwag is a reality we all face. It could be SO much worse. This document is dedicated to those among us in the stoner black sheep society. We live normal lives, pay taxes, take out kids to Karate class, get poison ivy cleaning out the back yard, have lots of sex because we’re so relaxed from the day’s stresses, and we keep Hostess and Sara Lee and Doritos in business. We all long for times when weed is better and more plentiful. A time when dealers aren’t trying to gouge us with a limited supply. And a time when even the most vocal poser can actually sample some of the stuff he’s been lying his ass off about since he was 14! At some point in our lives, we all face the reality that the bag that just landed in our lap, is schwag! This article has been rejected by ALL of the bigest weed-related publications and Larry Flynt!
I smoked some schwag one time that was flat and tasted like burning hay, it took like 3 blunts to catch a buzz but still costs $20 an eigth. I hope I never see that shit again.
HaHa! this brings back so many memories of high school days where you didn't even know what good weed was yet and you take one hit and cough your freaking head off! lol and do you ever notice how dirt weed gives you the worst munches?
Dead? Hardly. The posts follow a fairly consistent pattern. Sure, it's not for the usual internet user's gnat-like attention span. But the material is just as valid as ever. I know I sure run into schwag these days. As to the age of the thread, well, there's no cool like an old cool! Jal
...the good old days before doing it yourself hey... a repost then... "...I have read the arguments for and against, on many a forum now with the antis and the pros falling into the same traps, the debate remaining in sea of confliction, experts on the subject appearing without ever having succumbed to, or not inhaling, and others who have succumbed too much, too often, and then the google genius's appear, copying and pasting opposing propaganda, where the only cry that seems to make any sense is education, education, education. Yet that is still flawed as our teenagers now play Russian roulette with their health regardless of the new super strengths, for the education they really need, what they should see, but never will before pulling the trigger, is mum and dads mental health records before making a truly informed decision then..." argues the chameleon knowing of course that will rarely happen as the cycle merely continues passed down from generation to generation
