Meeting an absent father after a lifetime?

Hi all out there, I am a keen lurker on here but not posted much.

Looking for some gentle advice/support here. I have in the past few months got some contact details for my biological father who I have not seen since I was around 3 (saw for 5 mins aged 10).

My Mother lost contact with him when they separated, for a while he sent me notes and cards till I was around 5, aged 10 he turned up on our doorstep and I went to get my Mother coz I had no clue who he was.

So now I have his number and I have called him once, he was very okay about me calling 17 years out of the blue, he said he thought it'd be better to wait till I was old enough to decide for myself to speak to him. Also said we could meet up and asked for my number. I didn't give it to him and said I needed time to think to which he said to take as much time as I like.


All of this sounds like a pretty good reaction for him to have. The problem I can't get over is that never attempted to find out about me after he left, I could have been dead and he would never have known! I have 2 older half-sisters and a younger half-brother (who lives with him) all from different Mothers. He has done this to my 2 older sisters too. I really want to be a good person and accept him into my life (even a little enough to meet once or twice) But I am so angry/hurt/upset I feel that there will never be a suitable reason for whats happened and we will never have a "good" relationship.


SORRY FOR THE BOOK! Has anyone else been here? Anyone made it work? Is there any hope or am I just setting up to be hurt again? Any thing I missed please just ask if its relevent

Any words of wisdom/support/adive very much appreciated

 

Haven't been there, so I have no idea, but best of luck!

 

Do you know why he hasn't contacted you before this? Maybe you should ask him about that before you decide to let him in or cut him out. What does your mother have to say about it?

I haven't been in this situation, so good luck.

 

i think he deserves the benefit of the doubt at least till you know him better and are in a better position to judge.It is possible that your mom isnt giving you the whole story...give your dad a chance to explain

 

This. You dont know for a fact he didnt, and hasnt been keeping track of whats been going on.

I havent been in your position, but a few years back, my stepson came from NZ to Oz to live with myself and his dad he hadnt seen since he was 4 (he was 14) and is now 30

Distance and $$$ made it hard for his dad to stay in constant contact...but he/ we always knew what was going on in his life.

I say give your dad a chance.

 

the onlyperson that knows wether you should let him in your life or not is you.

my father walked away before i was born.told my mom to throw me in the trash.the state forced my mom to go after him for child support.i happened to be in the court room when they read the dna test results saying he was 99.999% the father.he looked right at me in front of the judge and said "im the .1% that isnt your father".ive never heard from him,dont even remember what he looks like.i dont expect to ever hear from him and dont know what i would do if i did.probably tell him to turn around and walk away like he did when i was little.

but i cant tell you what you should do and niether can the people above me.its up to YOU.

 

Thanks for the replies, been a while but just though i'd update y'all.
Didn't mention a lot of the backstory to this but just decided I am going to meet him and to go in with an open heart and not continue any of the anger that surrounds this situation.

The risk of getting burnt is there but at least I will know in my heart that I went in with peace and understanding and whatever else happens happens Figured you can't stop living because of fear of regret!

 

man, i wish my father even remotely cared to find me.

 

Hey Man, my Dad didn't care to find me either.

I did all the chasing and have been so angry my while life at him but I have just decided to open my heart and reach out. After years of internet searching and phoning up random dudes with the same name as him I finally tracked him down in the last 6 months.

If you want it don't give up, and if you don't want to find him try to make peace with yourself and give up any anger. It is a very difficult place to be in and can give you a lot of issues.

Whatever way you go just make sure it is in YOUR best interests and what YOU want nobody else! He had his chance when he decided not to stay in contact, do what ever feels right to you and make sure you are always looking out for yourself.

I hope you find peace :sunny:

 

Alexflower---Did it work out OK,if you don't mind me asking?

 

Well I have decided to meet up with him someday but not planned anything yet, he lives kinda far away so just taking it very slowly.

 

I come from this but the other side.
When I was 21 I got a girl I barely knew pregnant and because she had been molested long before she met me she became withdrawn and very violent if I pushed her for answers, finally after a very short time she told me "I'm going off and have this baby and you will never see it".

I searched for her for years and came close a few times only to have her see me first and hide. finally when my son was 9 I found her but she was unwilling to talk to me because she had made me into a monster in order to justify what she did. After that I just gave up and waited for my son to find me.

I met him when he was 21 (2 years ago) but it hasn't gone too well, even though he believes me and knows his mom is batshit crazy he is still VERY angry at me for not being there in his life. Emotions are hard for one to overcome with years of programing even faced with fact.

Please give the man a chance.

 

I may or may not be on the other side of this, in a less honorable way.

I was involved in a crazy situation with a crazy very damaged girl who told a number of simultanious "boyfriends" she was on the pill, and I seem to have been lucky to escape without herpes, given what others AND her told me later. Then a year after I'd talked to her (having previously simply stopped talking to her because of what she did) She called me out of the blue (apparently after getting at least one resounding "fuck off") and asked me to take a DNA test. I told her she had known very well my opinions on kids, and basically tried to ruin my life. She told me to forget it, and I've hardly talked to her since.

If it ever turns out that I have a kid, I shall offer my apologies... But having three miserable people is worse than having two, there is no way I could coexist with this "mother". If she where sane, I would help raise someone ELSES kid. But I couldn't do a lick of good with her around, other than throw my life away. As I understand it, the child in question is in the care of her parents, and she's working on producing a second in the same fashon.

I really hope it's not mine. She doesn't seem to think it is, but nothing she thinks is worth taking into account, honestly. And either way, I can't see that it would matter, I would still feel guilty if it where not.

This might have something to do with my totally avoiding females, despite being quite hetrosexual.

I did it. I told you all what a horrible person I am....

 

I haven't seen my dad since I was 16. I've talked to him on the phone maybe twice in all that time... I guess we're capable of having a casual conversation but he's not like my dad really... my older male friends are kinda like my uncles and my boyfriend's dad is kinda like my dad.

 

Glasshopper - Sorry for the late response, what happened with you and your son is so sad. At least you tried what you could to be in touch when he was younger and I am sure that means something to your son. I imagine it would be difficult for you son to accept having a "Dad" as like him my Dad was almost like a fictitious character to me growing up. I had all these ideas of what he would be like and how it would just be like everyone else's Dad who had always been around. Then in reality it is very different, as soon as I spoke to him for the first time everything got so real and there was a lot of issues I never even knew I had.

I think the main thing in overcoming all these emotions that come from not knowing each other is just to be as honest as you can and as sincere as possible. I am giving my Dad a chance and trying to be as understanding as possible. I am going forward with an open heart and I just have to hope that he is doing the same. Although I have found myself doing all the work I will keep trying my best.

I wish you and your son all the best, feel free to message or post back on here if you have any advice or just want someone to listen who understands the difficulty of your situation! :sunny: