I've been plucking up the courage to start talking about sex as apposed to internalising it and feeling caged and over sexed Basically I've been married a 6 years now and I've come to point where I feel inhibited by my marriage. First of all sex was great and frequent but as time has gone on, it seems to have reached stagnation. I have tried various things to spice things up, and to be honest, to no real avail . I'll list a few symtoms to give an idea of the situation: Sex one directional: from me to her never the other other way round (sometimes it would be nice not being the driver) She doesn't instigate, If I don't instigate sex, it'll not happen (i've tested this) She's not interested in giving oral sex - but it's a must before (if we do) have sex I've tried introducing a sex toy - she not interested (it doesn't feel right??) She won't masterbate herself, in my presence or not Porn is not her thing When I try talk about it, conversation dies and her only response is "Ok, it's me, I'm the one with problem! Issue closed" I've tired to introduce tantric sex I feel sex is simply for making babies (in her view- now that she wants one) About me: I love sex and have a high sex drive - I think the national average in terms of frequency would suit me just fine... I've had an affair before, probably to get a sex life (We've talked it through and are over it - I felt terrible about being deceitful though). This boosted the sex life, but only in the short term... I feel it would be a huge mistake in my life to leave the relationship (but I'm beggining to think it might be better than cooped up sexual desire) I'm fed up with having to satisfy my sex life with porn and masturbation (somehow I feel it's kind of cheating, counter-productive and makes me feel deceitful) I'm begining to think of having a marriage in name and seeking pleasure elsewhere (but this seems wrong). I feel a need to explore sex and this marriage is in the way - of course, without question I want her to be on the same page and to join me if it's not going to happen within our marriage... What do I do? I'm really scraping the barrel for a solution, or at least some direction... I have always had a suspicion that she's repressing lesbian tendancies and this may be the cause...?? She insists not, as she has had a lesbian encounter before, her previous best friend is lesbian. I have considerred bringing a third person into the situation to help remove some barriers, but she's not going to let that happen, I've tried...
Communication is everything here. You have spoken to her about this, but have you told her everything you're telling us? About how it's making you question the marriage and think about cheating? About how you're thinking about leaving her? She should probably know that sort of thing, it'll either force you to make a move (leave her) or it'll make her wake up to how big of a problem this is for you, and she'll make efforts to fix it with you. It sounds like you guys need help though, this can't go on obviously. This relationship is not working out.
I got almost 30 years under my belt and at a family function one year someone asked me how we seem to be so happy all the time? I reply with we have a great sex life. I then get asked after a big blast of laughter yeah right whats the trick to that? I smile and don't even bat an eye and say Oh I pay for it. They all looked at me in amazement. I assure them she's gonna get it anyway so why not try to get YOU a little bit as well. Google the Hitachi Magic Wand. It's hidden as a massager but trust me when used properly it will open many doors for you and are simply the best massager on the market for your needed purpose. I have spent several thousands of dollars over the years on toys I even got the Juicer this being hand blown glass with out of round tip that hits the G spot and spins their eyes like a slot machine. But after 700 dollars and maybe 7 uses it sits along side everything else that I could possibly open a Porn Shop with lol. It sounds like you have been talking about it BUT is she listening to YOU and YOU of her? I would suggest to try something different totally out of character. One of the funnest nights with mine was a strip club night and she had a ball. I remember going into the bathroom and standing at the stall I hear hooting and hollaring and I think oh shit she's drunk and I come out to find her FULLY CLOTHED on stage busting a move with the girls and everyone loved it. Tell your lady to put on her best outfit and go to a club and let her go in by herself and watch as guys hit on her (READ IT ALL PLEASE) then as time goes on walk up to her whisper something in her ear and then she gets up and walks out with YOU. #1. For guys to hit on her will make her realize that she's still got it. Trust me she knows she loves you man but women ALWAYS want what they cannot have and to be it seems she's got you lock stock and barrell. #2. The look on the guys faces that are standing with her (when she gets up and leaves with you) is utterly priceless. You 2 will laugh about it for years saying things like I bet they wonder what you said to me,and that to will set a tone for a better beginning. If you love her with all your heart don't give up but maybe don't try so hard. Let her know she to is gonna have to work for it. But it's gotta be fun for if it's not you need to think to yourself what things you do all the time in life that are not fun that you enjoy? I say rent a NICE Room somewhere and don't tell her. Dinner and dancing and lot's of drinks but more importantly you 2 need to be kids again if only for a bit because if you don't the adult things in life take over. My Penny Mr.Wags
Background info we are both in mid 30's together for 13+ years. I just put a check mark to all your points, you could as well be describing my life. Think back to and ask your self these questions: was she the initiating party in early sex encounters? Was she ever excited/open minded to try new things? List things she introduce to your sex life? Does she periodically buy sexy lingerie/sexy outfits? Did she ever buy a vibrator? Will she 'let you do things in bed', but you know she is not into it and just wants it to end? How is she behaving when drunk/buzzing? Is she a little less inhibited? When your are having sex and propose/talk dirty/ask how she would like it etc, and all you get is 'deer in the headlights look'? I tried everything: being patient, taking it slow, 'good house - husband rutine' (this one never works, and if I hear one more n00b saying that seeing a man with garbage bag and a mop makes a woman go wild with desires....); talking about my needs how I feel, and so on and on... All I get is deer in the headlights look I once took sex accessories, toys, lubes etc I purchased and all she purchased (outfits, lingerie etc. ) side by side to illustrate by point (she purchased 1!!!! stocking/corset set over 13 years and that was during 1st year). And I got 'what is your point? The way I figure its one of these scenarios: Sexually repressed/inhibited low self esteem woman. Lock of masturbation (loosens up with some alcohol) speak for it. Masturbation serves a couple of purposes: self exploration (get to know your body etc), and release of sexual tension. Your wife masturbates in secret quietly to release some tension, but not to explore. Rub one out quickly and be done with it (same as mine). Put this kind of a woman in front of a mirror and she will not be able to rub one out. Unlikely 'more talking' will change that, she has to do it. Get some self help books or see sexual therapist. She needs to discover here sexual side. Maybe it's medical? She needs to know her body better then you. Try proposing this (worked on my previous gf, turned her into a bit of a freak!, and before she kept her eyes shut during sex, total dead wood): for a month she will have to masturbate in front of the camera. Take all vibrators away from her, she can use dildos and anything else she can find. Rules: at least X times a week and she must record it all! Save it all and both of you will see her progression. This could be a great 'time laps compilation' if she wants to improve, plus you get get yourself off watching her If this does not work (therapy, self help etc.), move on. I will try this approach and if it does not work I will end it. There are a lot of more compatible choices out there. No point wasting your life away. She is too 'comfortable' to end it. She is waiting for her 'prince charming', you are just keeping the seat warm. She will end it or will cheat on you with her prince (exciting and forbidden). Set a hard date, monitor progress (or lock of). Walk away now or you will do it in 5,10,15 years....
All I can say is I feel for you. There is no clear solution but there probably are ways it can get better. You want to have a relationship where you can give all your partner wants in good faith that they will take care of your satisfaction as well. You once had something where she was excited to be touched by you, now she acts like its a chore. Instead of a place where there is only each other, it feels reduced to something just to get rid of your need for release, which used to be an asset because it allowed you to spend more time there. People tell you to have her do this or that thing, but they don't understand that you can't get her to do anything. Any discussion of sex either angers her or puts her in a pout-defense. And to leave her because of this feels like destroying your whole life for the sake of some pleasure. Besides, shes the one you love, you don't want someone else to happily have sex with you, you want her to regain her passion for you. The closest thing to a solution i can offer is that except for the rare case where shes cheating or lost her sex drive completely, this is caused by depression of a sort. I haven't entirely mended this situation with my wife. But the things that you can do to help a depressed person will help this, and it avoids the problem of her being touchy about sex. Of course there is the sad fact that people just don't seem to be able to recreate the thrill of a new partner. That can be replaced with closeness, but staying close is a tough and touchy road. good luck, we both need it.
